Talk Of The Tabs 34739

As a general practice, not a week goes by where Brad and Angelina are not on the cover of at least one (but often two) out of the five celeb weeklies. This week was no exception. OK! is reporting that Brangelina are planning to get married. But not so fast, says Life & Style! The couple is actually fighting constantly, explains the recently demoted Bauer sib, and Brad’s friends have all rallied against Angie. Neither mag offers any real evidence either way, however, so you might as well flip a coin and decide which magazine you want to believe this week. Or better yet, read a book instead.

Meanwhile, every mag also mentioned Jennifer Aniston’s rumored hookup with Orlando Bloom, after the pair were photographed getting “hot and heavy” (a.k.a. sunbathing in semi-close vicinity).

Finally, what seven-day period would be complete without some obligatory Britney news? The latest word is, she’s lost her kids, and is now finding comfort in the arms of her tanning bed and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. “Britney hits rock bottom!” Star magazine proclaims. But somehow, Intern Whitney’s not so sure.

US Weekly
Cover: It’s the style issue, featuring all the exclusive fashion coverage you already about in other magazines! Seriously, Us, we come to your unique brand of invasive celebrity coverage void of any sense of moral consciousness, not for your tips on the best 47 items of clothing available for under $100. If we just wanted to read about the latest fashion trends, we’d have shelled out for next month’s Vogue.
• Eventually remembering that it’s a celebrity gossip magazine, Us finally manages to work in a small mention of — who else? — Britney Spears. Sources can’t decide whether Britney is just going through a rough patch and needs to be left alone or if she is her behavior is symptomatic of someone seriously depressed and contemplating suicide. Oh well, at least they have it narrowed down to just two options.
• And then Janice Min gets all soft on us, attempting to educate readers on the dangers of drinking and driving. There’s an awesome spread on the DUI Hall of Shame, featuring such “stars” as Aidan Quinn and Jessica Smith (who?). And then there’s Michael Phelps’ DUI arrest, which sort of reminds Intern Whitney of that one time, three years ago, when she ordered a mouse pad featuring his face off of eBay for $50. Oh Mike, how far you’ve fallen.

In Touch
Cover: Angelina supposedly gained 10 pounds, thus immediately prompting In Touch to speculate: “Is she pregnant?” We thought you already knew, In Touch! If not, please see the cover from two weeks ago.
• In Touch then goes on to threaten us with a rumored Britney sex tape. “A guy who met Britney while she was on vacation in June has told In Touch that he made a video of them having sex. … The only thing holding him back from releasing the video is that he was so disappointed by his own performance, he is embarrassed to let the rest of the world see it!” You should be embarrassed, 28-year-old anonymous guy. You had sex with Britney Spears.
• And then the tab poses a deeply philosophical question: “Has Paris really changed?” In a word? No. But In Touch adorably tries to get us to believe otherwise by showing us a picture of Hilton posing with some guy in a wheelchair. Awwww.

OK!
Cover: Britney suicide watch continues, with Britney explaining, “I just want my babies.” Who knew “babies” was the new slang for “quiet, peaceful self-inflicted death?” Then, sources reveal Britney’s secrets for how she stays so “fabulous.” Among Brit’s (ahem) tried and true recommendations to staying sort-of thinnish: eat salads (but not Cobb salads), acquire more pets to take your mind off the stress of losing your children, and tan twice daily to achieve the illusion of muscle tone. We hope you’re all taking notes.
• This week, Brad and Angelina are thinking about getting married! And this marriage is going to last, because a palm reader said Angie’s palm has three marriage lines. Not mentioned: The palm reader hired by OK! is 8 years old.
• OMG, tension on the set of Sex and the City! As OK! reports, Kim Cattrall is getting the cold shoulder from the other three leading ladies, presumably because cattiness (unlike the already over SATC phenomenon) is timeless.

Star
Cover: Star’s latest scoop quickly falls into the “TMI” category, with the report that Britney takes laxatives to flush out all those Cheetos and Cheeseburgers and “uses the restroom almost every hour.” If true, we’re deeply saddened. Just one more fad diet that doesn’t even work.
• In soccer mom news, Julia Roberts and her husband Danny Moder are struggling to save their marriage. They’ve been seeing a marriage counselor off and on for the past year or so. You know, kind of like most boring married couples.
• Jason Wahler, who once dated The Hills star Lauren Conrad, takes the healthy approach towards remaining sober, namely apologizing to everyone whom he’s wronged unilaterally blaming the MTV reality show for turning him into a drunk. It’s good to see rehab is making such a tremendous impact in these young stars’ lives. Right, Lindsay?

Life & Style
Cover: Brad and Angelina are fighting again, and this time the friends are involved! Which must mean, yep, it’s another Wednesday over at Life & Style.
• In other news, Brad’s ex Jennifer Aniston is reportedly getting hot and heavy with Orlando Bloom. Or at least sunning themselves nearby! Fortunately, L&S breaks down why they’re a great match: They love the sun! Their dogs are their best friends! They both love scarves! Fascinating.
• J.Lo is pregnant again this week, and this time husband Marc Anthony is publicly announcing the news … to some random people in the Bronx. Maybe. Also: J.Lo cried when some small, bratty children sang to her, so obvs she must be with fetus.