Star, desperate to hang on to its lackluster circulation (compared to In Touch‘s nearly 50 percent circ jump, anything else is “lackluster”), Bonnie Fuller has become quite comfortable using the knowledge of a paparazzo’s assistant’s cousin’s dogsitter.

Witness this hunk of celeb journo waste:

Based on the very swirly font, we can only conclude said dogsitting tattler is a bigger queen than all of Queerty‘s combined.