In a recent, sort-of revealing interview with a London tabloid, resident American Idol meanie Simon Cowell denies being a closeted homosexual, though refuses to address questions pertaining to why he wears the same black t-shirt every single day. Says Cowell:
If I was [gay] why hide it? It???s not as if the music business would be an odd place for a gay man to work. And anyway, if I was trying to hide the fact that I was gay, I would be off playing rugby every Saturday, wouldn???t I?
Either that or you’d be going tanning, getting your highlights retouched and having your eyebrows waxed and overcompensating by pretending to date Teri Hatcher.
• Simon Cowell: Worst. Friend. Ever.
• With one, single, remarkably unflattering picture, all that hype aboutt Britney’s “hot new bod” is officially debunked.
• Danny Bonaduce apparently unaware of the “Old Guys Must Wear Shirts At All Times” rule.
• Katherine Heigl furtively smokes a cigarette. It’s okay, Katherine. We all know Knocked Up was just a (ridiculously funny) movie.
• “Shocking Lindsay Lohan pictures?” We’re not sure that’s even possible.
Please, for some reason, tell us you’ve read this interview with Paula Abdul in the latest issue of TV Guide. And please, don’t be embarrassed to admit you were reading “The Guide, “there are plenty of acceptable rationalizations for such behavior. (Examples: “Oh, I was flipping through it at the doctor’s office!” or “Right, I was just glancing at a copy that some previous straphanger must’ve discarded on the L-train.” Etc.)
Anyhow, in this article, Paula talks about her relationship with Simon, making sure to mention that in spite of all appearances, the two are actually very close friends. She’s also careful to make note of their brother-sister rapport, because it makes their awkward on-air bickering seem impish and cute rather than immature and staged!
“In the middle of me trying to figure out how I’m going to say something that gives someone dignity walking off that stage, I’ve got the antagonistic brother goofing on me, trying to throw me off,” she says in the interview.
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We’re finally gonna see ourselves some Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes that might be worth tuning in to. The CNN news anchor’s part-time job will have him sitting down with American Idol judge Simon Cowell.
Cowell will be profiled on this week’s edition of the venerable newsmagazine by occasional contributor, CNN anchor, Anderson Cooper.
He is expected to discuss the heat he’s taken from the music industry, his vast wealth – Cowell is among the richest in his native England – and the appeal of “American Idol.”
And, if we’re lucky, Cowell will turn his “come out of the closet” demands from Ryan Seacrest to The Coop. Sadly, however, this show ain’t live. But then again, neither is Countdown.
Alright, for those of you who watched last night’s American Idol and are already demanding a recap—back off. (Seriously. The show is on like eight times a week, and those recaps take time, people!) That said, we wanted to assure you that we did, in fact, see the show, and yes, we certainly enjoyed the amazingly awkward banter between judge Simon Cowell and (horribly dressed) host Ryan Seacrest. Especially the part where Seacrest may or may not have been outed:
Seacrest: Simon, any advice on the high heels?
Cowell: You should know, Ryan!
Seacrest: (awkward pause) Stay out of my closet!
Cowell: Come out!
What’d we tell you? Pure television magic! Anyhow, seeing as we’re far too lazy busy to write an actual in-depth summary of last night’s episode at present,** we figured we’d tide you over with this poignant video clip, that comes to us courtesy of our gay younger brother, Queerty.
**That’s an afternoon job!
• Penniless pauper Obnoxiously rich Idol judge, Simon Cowell, calls Britney Spears’ rehab stint “self-indulgent,” denounces her for “never working in a coal mine.”
• Diddy allegedly threatened some dude by sneering, “I’ll smack flames out of your ass.” And given Diddy’s unusual super power, we finally get the whole Wearing Sunglasses Indoors thing!
• TMZ continues to profit off of celebrities’ misfortunes.
• “Anyone who’s rude to paparazzi, must be a total a-hole!” says Jeanette Walls.
• Christina Aguilera swifly transitions from 1930’s pinup girl to Transparent Catsuit-Wearing Diva.
• Admittedly, we’re not particularly religious, but we somehow doubt that Time columnist Joel Stein is, in fact, “a god.”
With all the illicit photos of Antonella Barba on the internet nowadays, it’s easy to forget that this is actually a singing competition. You know, with actual judges, who have actual opinions on the whole NakedIdolGate controversy:
“I think it’s disgraceful that so-called friends would sell these pictures,” he told PEOPLE at a Playboy Mansion party for the E! show The Girls Next Door and the launch of the new Ryan Seacrest-produced reality series Paradise City. “It’s private property. I really, really have a problem with that ??? big problem.”
Things Simon Cowell does not have a problem with:
• Googling pictures of Antonella Barba.
• Paula’s reputation as “the drunk one.”
• Hanging with a bunch of scantily clad Playboy models, and high-fiving the Hef on his way into the centerfolds-only jacuzzi.
• Wax likenesses of Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell to be jeered at, pelted with flaming dog poo by those ‘ugly, untalented people’ they embarrassed on national tv.
• Barack Obama to smoke Hillary Clinton all the way to the White House.
• Is there any reason used-up celebrities agree go on embarrassing “celebreality” show other than cash and notoriety? [Ed: No].
• Angelina Jolie reportedly concerned that her sister-in-law stayed so buddy-buddy with Jennifer Aniston. Related: Angelina Jolie gets jealous? Of other people??
• Clint Eastwood face gets younger with every passing day, as Dirty Harry ignores the cautionary tale that is Janice Dickenson.
• The Treasury Department turns a blind eye to the hardships of low-vision Americans, claiming they spent all their dough on “those annoying wheelchair ramps.”
American Idol premieres tonight, and it’s time once again to be reminded of all the poor, misguided fools who only think they have real talent. And, as always, as we look forward to a new season of tone-deaf nitwits, drunk hosts and snotty British quips, we’re forever reminded of the Idol stars who will forever live on in our hearts.
After all, who could forget the off-key (yet lovable) William Hung, who became a cult-favorite for his tuneless rendition of the Ricky Martin classic, “She Bangs?” Or how about Katharine McPhee’s top-secret, highly publicized struggle with bulimia? What of Carrie Underwood, the Idol winner who’s best known for being NFL star Tony Romo’s jock supporter? And, of course, there was the outcry over the Reuben vs. Clay finale (which, ironically, didn’t matter anyway as neither one went on to achieve any sort of greatness.)
And, more recently, in all the hype surrounding the new season, let us not forget the main characters: the judges. Paula, with her usual effervescence, delivered a slurred, incoherent but nonetheless energetic sound byte about the intoxicating season-opener. And Randy, with his street-chic eloquence, continues to be irritatingly neutral on all issues not pertaining to Famous People Randy Jackson Knows. But it was Simon who won us over this time, when he generously—and with his characteristic humility—praised Kelly Clarkson as being way better than that artsy Bob Dylan character.
We’ll be watching tonight, oh yes, we’ll be watching. Because in only a short matter of time, the nobodies of today will soon be well on their way to becoming the has-beens of tomorrow.
• In the unbiased opinon of American Idol judge Simon Cowell, the legendary Bob Dylan pales in comparison to Kelly Clarkson.
• Don’t expect Pat O’Brien’s hosting contract to be renewed at The Insider. His bosses are citing his infamous drunk-dial as the primary reason, with his “creepy mustache” coming in at a close second.
• Drew Barrymore has possibly broken up with longtime beau Fabrizio Moretti; ironically, friends are citing the couples’ past breakup history to predict that the pair will end up together.
• With or without his political playbook, Republicans don’t think Rudy Giuliani has what it takes to blaze the campaign trail in 2008.
• Robin Williams wins over his critics by cracking hilariously irresistable jokes about lepers performing oral sex acts.
• Kelly Osbourne offers unsolicited, nude photos of herself in exchange for “major” amounts of Photoshopping.
• Daddy Diddy will raise a legit kid. We just hope he treats it better than the cast members of Making the Band 3. That would seriously be grounds for child abuse. [Jam!]
• Pete Wentz beat out some tough competition to become the one celebrity most unemployed, thirty five year old men want to see naked. [Much Music]
• We wonder what DMX is planning to do ,… y’know, now that Busta Rhymes took his spot over as hip hops biggest fuck up. [Access Atlanta]
• Jack White???s house or Willy Wonka???s chocolate factory? [Pitchfork Media]
• The normally sweet and helpful Simon Cowell has no suggestions for you this time around. [NYDN]
• Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie may be ending their feud. Calling all world leaders — these girls hold the key to peace on Earth. [Enquirer]
• A summer wedding for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? Will their fake kid be there? [LSE]
• Lindsay Lohan is healing from her dehydration by adding some tat ink to her freckled bod. [Page Six]
• Andrew Lloyd Webber is talkin’ some serious smack about Scarlett Johansson. Calling someone a diva? Doesn’t get much more insulting than that. [AP]
• The realization that Simon Cowell has a “serious girlfriend” is shocking enough … but now he has a mistress? Does he pay her $200 per massage? [Lowdown]
• Is Leslie Sloan crazy? We wish somebody would offer to take Britney Spears off our hands. [Lowdown]
• Meanwhile, Brit struggles to finds someone to take over her pesky New York apartment. [NYO]
• We pity the fool who decides to take advice from Mr. T. [MSNBC]
• Thank god we don’t have to pretend to be good citizens by watching Geena Davis on TV anymore. [CNN]
• Teri Hatcher should consider her hot minute with Ryan Seacrest a blessing — Oprah talks always help book sales. [Us]
• Paula Abdul stopped her drunken crying to have a truly delusional moment. She announced that Simon Cowell wants to marry her. [MSNBC]
Let’s play a game Jossip likes to call “Who’s the Dumbest Person on Television?” We vote for the dude who wants to jet ski in a hurricane, and the whigger who wants to get his ass beat with a frying pan.
Luckily, we have Intern Molly, our special television correspondent, to gather all the freakshows up and put their charming quotes in a Simon Cowell filled Easter basket for you to skip around with.
Or, y’know, just read. The top five are after the jump … and they’re totally worth it. Ryan Seacrest even made us laugh … out loud.
10. “Heaven and hell, earth, power, wind, force, make me listen and my strength will be my source.” ????????Jade, ANTM
9. “Actually, I AM a lesbian, and the fact is I CAN take any one of your girls any day of the week! This is why I hate people.”????????Paula, Real World: Key West
8. “Our food was fly.”????????Stephen (the whitest man ever), Top Chef
7. “She’s looking good from afar, but when we get close she is looking far from good.”????????Adrian proving his wit on 8th & Ocean
6. “I’m not your bitch, bitch.”????????Dave, Top Chef
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Simon Cowell isn’t the only one a little annoyed with Paula Abdul’s antics lately. At 9 p.m. on Tuesday night, Paula entered a Hollywood police station to fill out a report involving an incident at a party at 1 a.m on April 2.
According to Us Weekly Abdul’s former CAA agent, Jim Lefkowitz, put her ex-boyfriend Dante Spencer in the hospital.
Lefkowitz took offense to Abdul????????s ???????smirky attitude,??????? and after a heated discussion, the agent ???????accidentally-on-purpose bumped into her??????? so hard that Abdul ended up sprawled on the floor. Spencer then rushed to Abdul????????s defense and punched Lefkowitz in the face, our witness says.
Abdul was then taken home, where she complained of pain in her lower back and a possible concussion. We’re sure it’s nothing a few rum and cokes can’t cure. Who knows, maybe a brain injury will actually fix her head?
Paula Abdul Files Police Report Citing Harrassment [Us Weekly]