• A judge ordered Courtney Love into rehab after her sobbing confession that she violated terms of her parole by getting high. His honor’s mission? Letting Love hit rock bottom. Meanwhile, the Kurt Cobain widow is reportedly pregnant with actor Steve Coogan’s child. We’re sure that fetus will turn out nicely.
• It’s splitsville for sitcom hopeful Jenny McCarthy and her husband of six years, John Asher. No word on how the divorcing duo will be splitting custody of their children or her breasts.
• Take you and your “Marcia Cross is a lesbian” rumors and stick ‘em back in your double-wide. The Desperate Housewives vixen accepted a marriage proposal from boyfriend Tom Mahoney. We hear they’ll be donning matching tuxedos.
• You’ll have to wait a little longer for Natalie Portman’s shaved head, as her V For Vendetta flic that features a London Underground bombing has been postposted from November to March 2006 in reaction to the real-life terror attack.
• Talk shower Joe Franklin is ruminating on whether to file a lawsuit against The Aristocrats for funny lady Sarah Silverman’s that he raped her.
• Olivia Newton-John continues her search for long-time boyfriend Patrick Kim McDermott, who might follow right behind Natalee Holloway in cable news coverage.