You may not know Intern Whitney, but you’ve already seen glimpses of her personality.
Her ability to round up the weekly celebrity news cycle is a testament to her efficiency, ability to prioritize, and encyclopedic knowledge of all things Britney. Her contribution to the crappiest things about the Emmy’s neatly summed up our hatred of an awards show best known for not being the one where Isaac Mizrahi fondled Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet. Her willingness to interview a certified body language expert revealed the very pliancy we tend to look for in all our Jossip interns, as well as a misplaced trust in authority and adorable naivety.
Which is why we were hardly surprised when, a few weeks back, Intern Whitney told us her most shameful secret: She spent the bulk of her adolescence nursing an unrequited crush on former boy bander, Lance Bass. Awww/ewww! Bass, better known as “the gay one,” has apparently captivated our Whitney since she was too young to know any better, and too proud to admit how wrong she was.
And because we find her stubbornness endearing, we’ve teamed up with our younger brother Queerty and instructed her to write a first-person testimonial chronicling the one-side love affair in its entirety. Read on to find out how Whitney first knew it was true love and more importantly, how she reacted on the fateful day Bass “shocked” the world by professing his undying gayness to the faithful readers of People magazine and a poor, heartbroken girl from Abilene, Texas.
“Why I Want To Marry Lance Bass: A One-Sided Love Affair” by Whitney Little
I left work early on Friday to buy Lance Bass??? new book, Out of Sync. I scanned the shelves of ???Best Selling Nonfiction??? and ???New Releases??? and finally came to the conclusion that Barnes & Noble was sold out. I was wrong. I finally found the book in a dark abandoned corner, stacked on the floor.
When I got to the checkout counter, the Barnes & Noble employee LAUGHED at me upon seeing my selection. ???It???s not for me,??? I lied. ???It???s for a work assignment.??? Then it hit me: I had denied Lance Bass. It was then I knew. Our nine-year love affair was over.
It began during the summer of ???98. I had just graduated the 7th grade, and I happened upon a Disney Channel concert special featuring a then-unheard-of band called *NSync. I recorded the concert and watched it over and over until I had memorized every lyric and moment of dialogue. While most tween girls were obsessed with Justin Timberlake, my heart was set on another: Lance Bass.
I loved Lance (and always will) because he was clearly the Southern gentleman of the group. Sure, there was Justin (who hailed from Tennessee), but Lance was more of a good ol??? boy. Justin always wanted to hog the spotlight, but Lance was fine being the quiet one in the background. He was extremely good-looking (as a 13-year-old girl, I had impeccable taste), and he always flaunted it without being egotistical.
My obsession (at the time I referred to it as ???devotion???) with Lance was strong right off the bat. I began spending all my allowance on J-14 and TigerBeat magazines so I could rip out every picture of *NSync and wallpaper my room. There reached a point when my entire wall was covered, floor to ceiling. One of my favorite gifts for Christmas was a disco ball with Lance???s face glued on it that hung from my ceiling fan. I considered screen printing Lance???s face on my pillow, but for some odd reason my mom never let me follow through.
My imaginary love affair only intensified after I began chatting with someone on AOL ??? LuvR4NSync ??? who said she lived next door to JC Chasez and his family. I believed her, because why would anyone on the Internet lie? She said she was close with all of the *NSync members; sometimes they would even sign online under her screen name so they wouldn???t be hounded by fans. I then made it my mission to make myself available to the AOL community 24/7.
Christmas Eve ???98: It finally happened. Lance Bass signed online under the LuvR4NSync screen name. We had a good 30-minute discussion (the best half hour of my life), but then he had to go because famous people are busy, even on Christmas Eve. I printed out the conversation and kept it tucked away so I could read it whenever I felt discouraged in my mission to marry Lance.
Needless to say, I didn???t have many friends in middle school.
One of my few friends, however, was just as obsessed with *NSync as I was. When the band announced it would be making a tour stop in Dallas, her mom offered to take both of us. We made the three-hour drive for the concert, and spent hours making posters (mine was glittery and read ???Lance marry me,??? but it got confiscated at the door). That afternoon before the concert, we overheard on the radio that *NSync was at a press conference at Planet Hollywood near our hotel. We waited outside with hundreds of other fans in the 100 degree heat for over two hours until we finally got a glimpse of the boys leaving the restaurant.
That wasn???t enough for me, however, so I jumped security and proceeded to chase the band???s limo down the street, screaming my lungs out the entire time. When the driver honked at me, I jumped for joy and nearly had a seizure. ???They saw me! They saw me!??? I hollered, and jumped and sang the entire way back to our hotel. That night at the concert (we could only afford tickets in the nose-bleed section) I screamed and danced so much I fell down the aisle and suffered from dehydration. It was all worth it.
This went on for the next year or so, until I decided that there were other things to life besides *NSync. That, and I realized I couldn???t survive high school until I started acting non-obsessive and making friends. There were rough spots (namely his relationship with Danielle Fishel, better known as Topanga on Boy Meets World), but our love remained strong. Then, on that fateful day in 2006, my world came crashing down: Bass confirmed to People that he does, indeed, play for the other team. I got approximately 5,000 texts from friends who were happy to say ???I told you so,??? and I finally had to admit what everyone else knew all along: My future husband likes boys.
So it???s been a good run, Lance. I???ll always remember you. And if you ever change your mind on that whole homosexuality thing, feel free to give me a call.
OMG I am laughing so hard because this sounds strangely familiar. I am a bit older than intern Whitney so my almost identical story revolved around my devotion to Simon Lebon. I was saving myself for him. Imagine my devastation when he instead married Yasmin (and ONLY because she was pregnant)! I mean, what 30 year old man wouldnt rather have a 14 year old girl!?!
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 at 9:03 am
Sorry to hear about your experience. If you’re ever in DC and want to hang out with a non-gay PR pro, drop me a line.
I didn’t go to Wharton, although I went to a “little Ivy” – the second best school in Main Line, PA! Also, I can bench press 50,000 pounds.
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 at 11:58 am