Glenn Beck To Continue Waxing Intellectual In Exchange For Unfathomable Sums Of Money 36871

How easy is it to go from being a forgettable Christian radio host and Top 40 DJ to signing a five-year deal worth $50 million to continue hosting your own conservative cable talk show? Apparently, very!

And so, in the interest of jogging your memories and ours, we’ve decided to peruse the archives of Cable Quotables and take a look back at some of the valuable contributions that millionaire pundit Glenn Beck has made to the cultural stratosphere. Read on, then ask yourselves one very important question:

Seriously?

On Britney’s VMA performance:
• ???You know what she looked like? You know what she looked like? Me, without my shirt.??? Glenn Beck, hurling the most vicious insult possible at an already downtrodden Britney Spears, Glenn Beck, September 10

On Larry King’s thorough preparation techniques:
• ???You???ve never watched this show, have you???? Glenn Beck, realizing even Larry King has good taste, Glenn Beck, May 17

On settling the Roe v. Wade controversy once and for all:
• ???I figure, why not just wipe out the entire human race by arming monkeys???sorry, sorry, simian-Americans???and that way, we can make everyone happy, the baby-haters and the monkey-lovers, you know???? Glenn Beck, addressing Roe v. Wade from a ???Planet of the Apes??? perspective, Glenn Beck, May 7

On the importance of philanthropy:
• ???I mean, it was, you know, it was nice the charity thing, but screw the starving kids. Kick somebody off.??? Glenn Beck, pissed that American Idol helped children in need, Glenn Beck, April 26

On Heather Mills’ disappointing ‘leg’ on Dancing With The Stars:
• ???So they knew all along there would be no flying legs. ABC, I was promised a leg falling off. That???s false advertising. How dare you mislead this nation like that.??? Glenn Beck, realizing he may lose the “Heather Mills betting pool,” Glenn Beck, March 20