• One-legged philanthropist Heather Mills rejects Paul McCartney’s paltry $41 million divorce settlement offer, but agrees to put ‘all this pettiness aside’ for the nominal fee of $102 million.
• In the philosophizing words of Cisco Adler, a pseudo rock star who has very strange-looking genitals, “I tend to find myself dating famous women sometimes. I just write dope songs and [bleep] hot bitches.” Such is life.
• Kate Hudson “[bleeps] with the media” by only pretending to date a shirtless comedian, whose nose has never been broken and then pieced back together by a semi-drunk plastic surgeon.
• Steve Martin will finally marry his longtime girlfriend, former New Yorker writer Anne Stringfield, after rationalizing that she’s a hell of a lot better than his ex-girlfriend, full-time crazy-person, Anne Heche.
CONTINUED »
• Lindsay Lohan postpones date to snort coke off bathroom floor for a quick trip to AA.
• Kathy Griffin nearly dropped off the D-list and to the Death-list.
• Just as she makes so many in-roads to be a better mother, Anna Nicole gets evicted.
• Suge Knight claims Snoop Dogg never ends up in jail because he’s always willing to namedrop bigger fish.
• It’s cat and mouse for Fabian Basabe and Amy Sacco.
• Christina Aguilera has one heavy night of partying and all of a sudden she’s got to be compared to Britney Spears again.
• Sharon Stone may be bringing her special brand of crazy to the recording studio. What good is she without her crotch flashing? [Page Six]
• Madonna is house hunting in Israel, bringing their celebrity citizen count to at total of one. One crazy leotarded lady. [The Scoop]
• We can’t let this one go: Death Row Records may be on, uh, death row, after Suge Knight missed yet another court appearance. Damn it. Now who’s going to release all of Tupac’s “new” records? [Billboard]
• There are a few options for what to do if your iPod battery dies. Shut up, your daddy’s totally gonna’ just buy the newest version anyway. [ChiTri]
• Sony isn’t making all the money off Prince’s new release, and some heads are gonna roll. Who would’ve thunk this would be his number one album? [Gatecrasher]
• Suge Knight’s belt just got tighter now that a judge ruled to freeze the self-shooter’s assets. The imprisoned husband of Lydia Harris, who is due $107 million from Suge for helping start Death Row Records, says half of that judgment should be his.
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are looking to take twin actors Cole and Dylan Sprouse under their wing and turn them into the male version of them. Not the walking waif aspect, but the minting cash one.
• Paris Hilton continues snubbing probable ex-fiance Paris Latsis by touring the town with Scott Storch. Supposedly it’s a move to generate publicity for her upcoming album. Or her upcoming, ahem, video.
• Meanwhile, new relationships are forming all around, with Tyson Beckford and Foxy Brown coupling up during a night at PM. So pleased were the duo that they asked for a copy of the photo a NYDN photog snapped.
• Maury Povich is back for an additional three years, say the rumors, as he’s reupped with NBC Universal to continue airing what amounts to boot camp follow-ups.
• Dear god, we’re not sure we can endure so many words on the relationship between Rupert and Lachlan Murdoch. And usually we enjoy reading about attractive young white people.
• It’s actually not so hard to get in the door at a Fashion Week show, so long as you get bitchy about your birth certificate.
• We weren’t the only ones who love, love loved the circus that is The Tyra Banks Show.
• Fabian Basabe suddenly got Asian, which is not the same as suddenly going gay. Some transitions are more subltle, after all.
What was Suge Knight’s top priority as he was carted away from Kanye West’s VMA party after shooting himself in the leg?
Whipping out his mobile to play PR damage control.
• Thanks to Suge Knight’s self-shooting at Kanye West’s VMA party, The Game is running into trouble himself. He was set to attend the Magic Marketplace fashion convention in Las Vegas to promo his Hurricane sneaker by 310, but organizers forced him to leave fearing Knight might send some goons for retribution, even though he had nothing to do with the incident.
• There certainly wasn’t any Madonna-Britney kiss to buoy ratings, but Diddy didn’t do much to even maintain last year’s VMA ratings. The MTV broadcast slipped 22 percent over last year, averaging just 8 million viewers from 10.3 million.
• As part of his reelection campaign, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is ripping on old friend Rudy Giuliani.
• Al Pacino could use some lessons with the ladies. Instead of making young starlets feel comfortable around him, he’s scaring them off with his rude ‘tude.
• It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white — unless you’re a Hurriance Katrina looter intercepted by a wire service caption.
• Robert Downey Jr. is speaking about his wedding weekend feud with Ron Perelman and Ellen Barkin, but he says his location switch had less to do with their photo policy on the estate and more to do with their wishes for unhappiness.
• Lindsay Lohan tried reaching out to foe Hilary Duff, only to have the starlet’s sister hang up on her. Hmm, perhaps she’s trying to reconcile in time for their Bad Girls shoot?
• Today show laugh track Al Roker hasn’t been seen in two weeks, even with the country’s biggest meteorological event taking place. Rumor had it he was just sick, but publicist Howard Rubenstein now says he’s going in for “minor back surgery.”
• Jennifer Lopez and Bordertown co-star Antonia Banderas are said to be elevating their professional on-set relationship to something a little more flirtatious, naturally pissing off Melanie Griffith’s lips and Marc Anthony’s skeleton.
• If Naomi Campbell can’t slap you in person, she’ll do it on a T-shirt. But the joke landed fashionisto Mal Sirrah on her blacklist with his shirt “Naomi slapped me… (on the front) and I slapped that bitch back! (on the back),” though Naomi’s camp says it’s more PR stunt than fact.
• Andre 3000 may not eat meat but he’s got no problem killing animals for the sake of fashion. He’s cutting off the tails of the endangered gray wolf to push his latest fashion must-have.
• It turns out Suge Knight shot himself at Kanye West’s MTV VMA party, which makes us less keen on feeling sympathetic.
It’s not that we don’t enjoy pretending this blogging gig is actually our full time job and it’s not that we don’t enjoy bringing you the latest contents of the celebrity and media dumpster each day, but you gotta agree: Suge Knight’s shooting at the Kanye West’s MTV VMA party is just so much more enjoyable when you can digest it without then spitting it out other people (that’d be .. you) to read about it.
Thanks for understanding. We’re glad to be back.
(Oh, and what’s this about next Monday being a holiday? Aw, snap!)
• Zsa Zsa Gabor is spending her late 80s in legal turmoil, filing a lawsuit against daughter Francesca Hilton claiming she took out a loan against the former model’s manse without permission to purchase her own property.
• More violent crime is expected from rapper The Game, only this time it’ll be directed at hip hop king Suge Knight instead of regular friend-slash-foe 50 Cent. All this black-on-black crime .. can’t we get back to hating the white man?
• Fearing his Mercer Hotel “incident” might cost him his career, Russell Crowe is rushing to stop the hemorrhaging by starting his own production company. No directors or actresses are willing to work with him, so with him in the boss’ seat, he’s hoping he can salvage a few more leading roles.
• Britney Spears didn’t bust her ass on stage for years to give birth in a trailer. She’s breaking the Federline family custom with a tricked out Arizona hospital room with lots and lots of flowers. And no bedside neighbors.
• Hoping to gain support for her cause, the NYT’s Judith Miller has set up a website to save herself from prison.
• Presidential neice Lauren Bush got denied at her own 21st birthday celebration because, well, she was underage. The model hadn’t yet ripened enough to get into the club 21, so she and the girls went to dinner after the bouncer turned her away.
• There’s a 28-year-old chic editing Playgirl now, which hopefully means we’ll get more relationship advice columns.
• Viral marketing only works if you spread it, so we’re doing our part. Help feed Lindsay Lohan.
• Apple is working to save its market share, cutting prices on its iPod and adding color and radio to some models. Which makes them that much more of a must-have gay accessory.
(Image via Court TV)