Cable Quotables 36356

Initially, Intern Wendy was left scratching her head and wondering whether today’s semiweekly installment of Cable Quotables had any cohesiveness. Then she thought a little harder and proclaimed “If there’s a ‘theme’ this time out, it’s that Kevin Federline’s biggest life achievement is making Britney Spears look insane.” Close, Wendy. But we think you actually meant that Britney’s biggest life achievement was making K-Fed look almost functional by comparison. Either way, we can all agree that neither one will be winning any Parenting Of The Year accolades.

• “You could just grease that pig up and you know—have you ever been to one of those things, like at a state fair or county fair where they, like, grease up the pig and you???ve got to run around, trying to get the pig? [Pause] They probably don???t grease up the pig there in Connecticut.??? Anderson Cooper, contemplating a good roll in the mud, Anderson Cooper 360, September 27

• ???I should just point out, though, I am a Jeopardy champion. Just throwing there out there.??? Anderson Cooper, answering the question “What is a show-off?”, Anderson Cooper 360, September 28

• ???Your hatred amuses me.??? Tucker Carlson, explaining how he routinely sleeps at night, Tucker, September 28

• ???Kevin Federline is suddenly and officially better at something than somebody else.??? Bill Wolff, suddenly struggling to make sense of the world, Tucker, October 1

• ???I think they should go to Mr. Potato Head.??? Bernie Grimm, proposing an alternative solution based entirely on the qualifications of both parents, On the Record, October 1