Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette was essentially scaled back to an hour and 15 minutes to make room for the Jake Pavelka-Vienna Girardi smackdown.
This left us with two thoughts: 1. This could easily be a one-hour show every week, and 2. This interview was likely the greatest 45 minutes in show history.
There were so many ridiculous comments made and insults traded, The Hollywood Gossip has devoted a separate Bachelorette recap to their joint interview.
Our traditional Bachelorette rundown will follow shortly. Now, for the blow-by-blow of the much-hyped reunion that followed the Breakup of the Century …
Introducing the segment on a somber note, venerable host-pimp Chris Harrison pretends not to be ecstatic this fell in ABC’s lap. What a great job. Plus 8.
Jake comes out to tell “his side” first. Jerry Springer-esque. Minus 4, if only because a screaming audience and/or chairs thrown would have enhanced this.
Oh, if you have this on DVR, have one person do a shot every time she says “fame whore” and another take one every time he says “undermined.” Plus 10.
After Jake Pavelka says he was “blindsided” by the split, Vienna Girardi alleges “emotional abuse.” Hard to tell who’s lying more in the early going. Minus 3.
Jake seems genuinely surprised, even now, that Vienna is trashy and not that smart. Plus 4, because 10 million viewers knew this on his season’s premiere.
We’ve never been big fans, per se, but when Jake starts being all condescending about text messages, her family, her dog, etc., we feel bad for V. Minus 7.
Vienna, on Jake complaining that she remeasured their room: “I never picked up a tape measure. I never picked up a tape measure in my life.” Plus 12.
For whatever reason, they bleep out Gregory Michael’s name, even though Vienna’s alleged cheating with Gregory Michael was widely reported. Minus 18.
That story about Jake throwing the GPS into the back seat was pathetic and disturbing, but Minus only 5, because you know how guys are about directions.
Chris: “We don’t really care about the dog.” LOLOLOLOL. Plus 10.
Asked by Chris what they loved about each other, Jake says Vienna “challenged him.” Plus 14, because he definitely just became “the biggest fake liar ever.”
Jake: “I believe there is more to relationships than sex and intimacy.” Like updating one’s Twitter and going on as many reality shows as possible. Minus 9.
Near tears and vehemently denying Jake’s accusations of her “flings with other men,” Vienna asks Chris if she can take a “poly-o-graph” test. Plus 1,000.
How the HELL has Chris kept a straight face for a HALF HOUR? Plus 7.
When she interrupts Jake, in the midst of apologizing no less, he raises his hand in rage (not quite making a fist, but close) and berates her. Minus 250.
As she storms off in tears, Jake just shakes his head condescendingly. “There she goes again.” How would these two EVER work as a couple?! Minus 40.
Minus 200 more, because as entertaining as this was, these morons both need to go away forever now … and we have a strong suspicion they won’t.
Wow. We always knew Jake was an uptight stiff, but we didn’t peg him for a misogynistic a$$hole. We can’t believe we’re saying this, but … Team Vienna?
Whose side are you on?