Cable Quotables 37311

It’s late on a Tuesday afternoon and it’s a sad day in Jossip Headquarters. Little Intern Wendy was unable to find a theme to tie together today’s edition of Cable Quotables! Devastating, we know. And just as we were about to lose hope, suddenly a common thread appeared. Could it be?? Yes, a unifying factor—other than the fact that all these people are crazy. It took unspeakable amounts of caffeine, but finally we’ve got it: People Who Should Never, Ever Procreate. You can’t win them all, Wendy.

• “I can???t fathom this. I???m here on a Friday night talking about Britney Spears, so my legal career has obviously reached a new low.” Bernie Grimm, admitting he’s no better than a glorified ambulance chaser, On the Record, October 26

• “How many acts of terrorism have Methodists from Texas committed lately?” Tucker Carlson, looking for the next big jihad, Tucker, October 26

• “There has never been anything cuter than a Chinese baby. That is the marker for cuteness.” Tucker Carlson, pissing off the entire Pitt-Jolie brood in one fell swoop, Tucker, October 26

• “Why don???t we take a random drug test of him. You take a blood test, you???ll find, like, Aramis and Cheez-Wiz, that should be illegal.” Michael Musto, pondering what???s in Kevin Federline???s bloodstream, Countdown, October 26

• “So sometimes you have two people. You say, who should we give the kid to, the burglar father, or the crack addict mother? Oh, no, neither one of them. Let`s give it to the aunt who has five kids and has check fraud charges. Oh, maybe not.” Pat Brown, summing up the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline custody battle, Nancy Grace, October 26