So, this week we get another exciting look at the same old stories. To spare you the pain of actually reading any of them, we bring you the 15-second synopsis.

Jessica and John Mayer had a grand cry-fest in Cabo, San Lucas and are (probably!) over. Meanwhile, the dumb one from The Hills is marrying her annoying shark-toothed boyfriend, while Matthew McConaughey (who kind of looks like a monkey) continues to prance around shirtless, sometimes with Indian warpaint.

Finally, the tabs all honed in on Brad and Angelina for the millionth week in a row and said pretty much the same things on Lindsay Lohan (troubled starlet loves coke, needs intervention, etc.)

Intern Joseph brings you the 90-second synopsis, after the jump!

US Weekly
• Surprise, surprise—we get another issue filled with Brad and Angelina. And by filled, we mean 6 full pages, which is pretty much a novel by Janice Min’s standards. While the article will put the average person to sleep, we do commend Kevin O’Leary for really putting together a well sourced piece—unlike, say, the Reader’s Digest anonymous insider extravaganza nary two weeks back. And what did we learn? We learned that, as much as Brad and Angelina are trying to make people think that their family is “normal,” they’re still two ultra famous, exorbitantly overpaid superstars, with four nannies and enough diversity to land a United Colors Of Benetton campaign. Also, we learned that Us loves to change its mind! A few weeks ago, they bitched about Angelina’s utter lack of care for daughter Shiloh, noting that the two were never photographed in the same room together. Now, O’Leary paints her as the ideal mother—one who wakes up early just to spend alone time with her.
• Also, Gabe Guarente writes a nice recap of the last few coke-fueled, sloppy-drunk, days of Lindsay Lohan’s trainwreck carwreck existence. The article kind of makes us feel bad for the girl, until it reminds us that Lohan has a big lesbian foul mouth and she can probably drink us all under the table.
• Lastly, the happily married couple, Brittany Murphy and that creepy older guy, may not be as “picture perfect” as they seem. (Kidding, they’ve always sort of skeeved us out). And now, after getting married just after a few months, reports are surfacing that Murphy’s man is a lying, cheating scum bag. A court will decide on July 12th if he is to be deported to the U.K., where he will—presumably—be taken under the wing of European scumbags, like Robbie Williams. Also, it’s weird to look back and reflect on Murphy and Ashton Kutcher’s bizarre coupling. Which, when you think about it, isn’t really that strange when you consider that Britney’s marrying a con artist and Ashton is already married to much-older MILF, Demi Moore.

In Touch
• Instead of taking the “Angelina is a God route” this week, In Touch speculates on her ever-fluctuating weight, a fantastic way of reminding the world that no one in the Pitt/Jolie clan would answer their voicemails. Angelina blames her near 20 lb weight loss on running after her four children, which In Touch translates to mean that she is a self-destructive lunatic. [Ed: Who cares? Isn’t Brad “Mr. Mom” anyway?]
• In addition, we learn that Lindsay Lohan is typically a drunk, but that she also occasionally dabbles in unidentified powdery substances. More imporantly, Lindsay wears a “yellow bullet.” No, not the food processing machine, but rather “a small device that discreetly dispenses cocaine into the nostrils.” And here we were starting to question her intelligence.
• Lastly, we find out that Britney Spears and her mother Lynne won’t be patching things up anytime soon. Apparently, K-Fed, Shar, Lynne, and Jamie all hung out together at the Dancing with the Stars finale. Which sounds slightly cute, until you realize that Britney’s mom is choosing her ex-family over her.

Life & Style
• Apparently Brad and Angelina have secretly separated, and have agreed to take turns parenting their brood of adoptees. Also, apparently Life & Style alone has the “exclusive” on their troubled relationship. And apparently, they’ve failed to consider the possibility that Brad and Angelina have been photographed separately with the children because each have ridiculously busy schedules, befitting that of a really famous superstar couple.
• Sadly, Life & Style falls short of its competition, and gives us a tiny blip about Lindsay Lohan’s recent car-in-ditch Memorial Weekend spectacular.
• And finally, to prove that Posh Spice is a malnourished, attention-seeking whore, we get a nice little look at Posh’s new reality T.V. show. The premise: watching a monotonous, anorexic woman buy shoes in L.A. Where’s our DVR remote??

Star
• Star, like In Touch, chooses to focus their energies on Angelina’s weight this week, however Star‘s two-pager packs a much better punch. Among the highlights: While Angelina may be nourishing her malnourished adopted children, experts say that she’d better start taking care of herself. Otherwise? She’ll end up having “a nervous breakdown,” warns Star. Which, presumably, would be far crazier than being “totally in love” with her brother, carrying around a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood and adopting every toddler in a 175 country radius.
• Meanwhile, in typical “Star” fashion, the glossy is not only reporting on Lindsay’s DUI, but is also quick to inform us that Blowhan has attempted suicide twice in the weeks prior to the accident. Which actually makes us feel legitimately sorry for Lindsay, whose attempts at self-imposed death apparently involved slitting her wrists and downing an entire bottle of Advil. Yep, in just one page, Star has definitely delivered, and the alcohol abuse, drugs, car crashes, lesbian lovers, and attempted suicide are enough to make our eyes tear up, and piss the hell out of Life & Style, for not thinking of it first.
• We also get a feature about Jennifer Aniston’s forthcoming new book. It must be fascinating to know all about Jen’s life! So, naturally, we’ll just wait for the tabs to tell us everything that’s in it.

OK!
• OMG, wait—OK! got an exclusive interview with Brad Pitt? Oh wait, they actually just snagged an invite to the Ocean’s 13 press junket, [Ed: Which is still a pretty big deal for OK!] Of course, all we get is a boring snoozefest about the actors’ respective charities of choice. Which is nice, in a philanthropic sense, but disappointing under the circumstances. (When we see a front page header reading, “Brad speaks his mind.” we want Angelina, not Darfur, dammit!)
• Also, OK! has a two page article totally contrasting Life & Style‘s report that Brad and Angelina are, in fact, a “solid” family. (But wait! Tabloids are never wrong!)
• Meanwhile, we discover that OK! is almost as shitty at reporting breaking news as L&S. Their article couldn’t have been more basic—two pages to say that Lindsay needs attention?? Groundbreaking stuff, OK!.
• Wow, a two page Paula Abdul interview sent straight from her publicist’s wireless handheld device! Please forgive us for not reading this.
• And finally, a two page Star Jones interview with…Star Jones. Again, please forgive us for also not reading this.