Pete Davidson, One More Time:
People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that's because they never saw him tell his wife he didn't f-ck that nanny.
Rob defies age...restrictions. Really, you're a f--king Adonis. I hate you. You look like you're sculpted. You put the 'statue' in 'statutory rape.' God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I'd known that's when I had my best shot.
Nikki Glaser, on Ann Coulter:
Ann, you are awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.
Nikki Glaser, on Jewel:
Jewel, I don't want to badmouth you, since God already did. Your teeth are like the Spice Girls: They're all different colors and doing their own thing.
Jewel, on Ann Coulter:
I do want to say, as a feminist, that I can't support everything that's been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I'm delighted.
Jewel, on Ralph Macchio:
Who doesn't love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors. And actual karate masters. And real actors. Italians. You know: people.