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Gwyneth Paltrow.  The name is synonymous with “Privileged,” which must give her license to say the most ridiculous, most obnoxious things in the world.

The Oscar winner and GOOP founder covers the May issue of SELF, which is apt given how much she talks about the organic, pristine, 24-carat life she enjoys.

Let’s take a gander at the droplets of wisdom and advice that absolutely no one can relate to.