Of all the celebs we cover here at THG, Farrah Abraham stands out as the young woman who always comes up with the best quotes.
The definition of "best" is subjective, obviously. If you listen to Farrah ramble, rant, reflect or ruminate on something, you know what we mean.
There is perhaps no single more predictable thing in the celebrity gossip world than a vintage Abraham word salad generating headlines.
So in celebration of this ongoing, amazing fact ...
Here are some of the most memorable (no dispute about that), and usually dubious (or that), things the Teen Mom star has ever said.
From her younger daze to the infamous Teen Mom OG reunion fight seen around the world, these pearls of wisdom are second to none.
And yes, these quotes are all real.
1. So Many Hate Crimes
"It’s sad that such a phenomenal show will no longer have its biggest talent on the show because of women hating, sex shaming, hate crimes, selfish, Weinstein company power trip behaviors against a professional hard working, honest mother." - on being let go from Teen Mom OG
2. The Mogul
"Viacom let me go because as a Business Mogul I act like an adult and part take in adult promotions and activities that other adults do for FREE or in private!" - on getting fired from Teen Mom OG (allegedly, maybe)
3. Grab Life By the P--sy!
"Should we have the first business man in history for president or should we have first women in history for president? For my daughter, I think Trump would be [the best candidate]. Grab life by the pussy, bitches!" - Farrah on her support for would-be President Trump
4. I Don't Share My Stage
"I don’t share my stage. I mean, I don’t give a s--t about either of them, and I’m sick of them trying to be like me. They’re obsessed with me. I sent them a cease and desist so they need to leave me out of their books, out of their interviews. I don’t want anything to do with them. They’re just jealous or envious. I’ve tried to be friends with them over the years, and I’m just not anymore." - on arch nemeses Amber Portwood and Matt Baier
5. Just a Cut Above
"I get better treatment because I'm a hardworking business mogul and amazing mother who holds herself with respect and keeps production accountable and always goes above and beyond what is asked. And I stay above the trash they have on the show. Sadly, the girls are not taken seriously because of how they conduct themselves, and they're to blame, not me." - Farrah on her obvious superiority
6. I Love You, But STFU
"I love all of you people, I don't give two drops of dried up pigeon sh-t on concrete how you feel about me." - Farrah's kind words for her fans
7. Not a Real Friend, But ...
"If I'm the only one that's going to be honest and up front and give a real s--t about someone, I guess you can call me hateful, I'm horrible, I'm not a real friend, but I am a true friend." - Farrah on friendship
8. High Road? Taken.
"Look, I don't make anyone run out there. I’m not going to play the high school game of 'let me beat your ass.' That's where [my co-stars] are and I respect where they are in their lives and their journeys but that's not how I'm conducting myself." - Farrah, in the wake of the reunion fight
9. Better Off Alone!
"I have a better life without them in my life. Even though I'm much separate and apart from them, they keep including themselves and talking about me." - Abraham on her co-stars, without irony
10. From Rags to Riches
"I once saw a boy run a lemonade Stand on a corner. I opened my own and took all of his business and made the local news paper by being sweet & savvy! Plus I hired the neighbor kids to help me and started other local neighborhood businesses. I was once the cart girl at a grocery store starting at minimum wage and corperate America & had to apply 3 times before getting the job, then worked my way up the ladder to bag sacker, cashier, catering and food sampler. Today I've had my own products being sold in whole foods and grocery stores, selling out." - from her (hilariously real) LinkedIn page
11. Not About the Porn
It's not about porn. Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn. Because if I was really a porn person, then I would have a porn name. Like Candy Willow … I'm not in the porn industry. But I do have novelty items being produced that I've won an award for given my celebrity sex tape [sales].
12. Different Styles of Parenting
I think there’s different parenting styles. At that time we really didn't [have a relationship] because of some abusive things that happened. My parents got put into jail ... [we] have such a different dynamic now. Not everyone's perfect. We do learn and we grow. - Farrah on her abusive past
13. Raped By Uber
"An Uber driver almost raped me, so I don't know about Uber … I felt like I was getting raped...I felt like I almost got raped. You're violating me by looking at me. Don't act like a rapist ... I have a severe problem with that." - Farrah, confused at what being a rapist is
14. F--kin' Monkey
“F—kin monkey ewe s—t come up 4 what she is a nothing.” - Farrah going all racist, NSFW and nonsensical on Blac Chyna for no reason at all
15. How Ya Like Me NOW!?
"I was once the girl buying all those magazines and now I'm on the cover and in magazines and am the star of every occasion. I once strived to be the best in reality television and now I'm the top reality star and top 10 listed female celebrity in the nation. I once couldn't finish a book, and now I made the New York Times Best Sellers List and wrote a memoir, trilogy and children's book." - via LinkedIn
16. Mom of the Year
[On daughter Sophia] I have my own life and [I'm] doing [my] own thing. She has her own life and she does her own thing.
17. She's Gonna Be a (Cam Girl) Star
"I will always have a place in my heart for reality TV as I [have] history in reality television and for social issues time and time again … but I must continue creating in a different way in my free time." - on branching out into acting
18. Sex Tape vs. Teen Mom
I think having a TV show that shows your personality and your intimate life, you know, showing your best friend, and then showing having sex ... to me it's kind of the same thing because both things are intimate.
19. The Tooth Fairy Brings BANK!
Loosing [sic] your teeth should be special, I like to add passion and something special to everything ... These years are flying bye [sic] and soon $600 won’t be surprising to my daughter and the tooth fairy will just be imaginary and made up. So $600 for one tooth is a great addition to her college fund and let’s [SIC] her have a big surprise. You’re only a kid once! - On giving her six-year-old $600 for a lost tooth
20. Dabbling with Businessmen
I say go where the getting is good. I'm not going to find such marriage material at a club. I do dabble with, like, some businessmen that I do meet.
21. It Suits Her
I feel like if I can't show my true self, and if I can't explore who I am, then it would be lying to myself and I would stunt my growth. So if I feel like opening up a restaurant, opening up a gentlemen's club, opening up a children's clothing store, and doing songs, books, everything that I feel like doing, I'm going to do it. It suits me well.
22. I Work HARD
I'm young, I'm 22, and I'm a single mom. On the flip side, I'm a very good mom. I work very hard. I'm probably one of the best parents you're ever gonna meet. That's who I am.
23. I Seriously Rule at Life
No matter what I've been doing, I've been doing the best in it that we know of. What I'm saying by that is, if I'm developing novelty toys, I'm winning awards. If I'm writing books, I'm a New York Times bestseller … how do I do it all? I don't know.
I think moving on in my future and in my career that is something that I am proud of at the same time I'm using it as a positive rather than a negative, which is hard to deal with at times.
25. Plastic Surgery FTW?
After years of utilizing plastic surgery for positive changes in my life, I've seen it help me as a person and help my life thrive.
26. Better Products
I just want to bring great prices and better products to the world and be creative all at the same time, and I think that's what I'm good at business-wise. That's Farrah. If you know me, that's me.
27. Smart Business Woman
Against all odds of everybody else telling me not to sell it, not to do it or whatever - it was already out, it was already going to be out there for free, so I made a business deal out of it. I'm smart, and I'm happy that I did that.
28. Popular Girl Problems
I don't really pay attention to much online. Listen, I was, like, the most popular girl growing up and I had women do the same thing to me then as now. And I overcame it.
29. I'm Not a Porn Star!
I am not a porn star, I'm going to be done doing adult gentlemen's clubs and exotica expos soon you know. At first I loved doing that, meeting new fans that appreciated me as being on Teen Mom and having a sex video that was out. Now I feel like it's gotten too far and I just kinda want to be done with that. I think going out and doing some of these things are fun, but when it gets to a point when it’s not fun, it's more distracting, I'm not about that anymore.
30. No, I'm Really Not a Porn Star!
I have friends who are in the adult entertainment industry, and that is something that they make their full income off of. That is what they dedicated their life to. And if that’s your choice that's fine. Personally, making a sex tape, and that's all I've ever done, that's not being a porn star. I live a very different life. I can’t help what the public perceives.
31. Beating Her Hard
"I've been beating out Kim on a lot of things." - Farrah on rival Kim Kardashian, without explaining what things those actually might be
32. True Professional
You're very close with [fans], so in that aspect, in that light, I think it's only helped me be more honest and a hardworking person because I have more going on than my personal life, I have a professional life. So that's how I feel about that.
33. Maci Bookout is LIEING!
Maci is still scared. Well when she stops lieing [sic] being immature like the rest might be hope of me associating with them. I wonder if her book is full of lies like her mouth … Maybe Vivid should apologize to Teen Mom girls, still crying and envious of my celebrity sex tape. They named it ... Should we ask after the #MayPac hug if Maci is ever going to mature? Enjoy watching yourself. [via Twitter]
34. James Deen Sucks!
[On James Deen] I don't need to talk negatively about someone because I have nothing good to say. He should really just get out of the porn industry because things have gotten to his head, he disrespects women, and his penis is small. I haven't seen many but his definitely was not big.
35. God is My Manager
I think God is my manager. God is my guide. Because within entertainment, I can’t control anyone, I can’t pay somebody enough. God really has helped me be the best person that I can be.
36. Take That, Charlie Sheen
[To Charlie Sheen] You sound like you have mental issues, (hints maybe you need some anger management counseling) given your disgusting lash out towards my body and my relationship with my daughter which each are both the epitome of perfection.