"Our common denominator is Dean. It just makes sense that we’d want to talk about it." - Tori on her totally normal plan to meet up with Mary Jo Eustace

"Dean feels like the show is a mistake and it’s hurting our relationship, not helping it." - Tori, in the second biggest understatement in the history of human civilization

"I feel like I'm a little bit of a laughing stock." - Dean, in the biggest understatement in the history of human civilization

"She’s kind of the one person I want to talk about the affair with." - Tori, on Mary Jo, because obviously that's what she thinks is a good idea, without giving any consideration to her reality show

"I took a kitchen knife with me in my purse." - Tori, on the first time she met Mary Jo Eustace

"My parents, rule wise, were really strict. 18 years old, I was on a hit TV show." - Tori on her rough upbringing

"They kind of sit together and hash out old things and I usually sit there, feeling really awkward." - Tori, watching Dean and Mary Jo

"I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I continue to make a lot of mistakes in my life. It would be really hypocritical of me to come down on him for making a mistake like that." - Dean, comparing his teenage son inviting too many people to his party to his own "mistakes"

"Being a step-mom is usually a no-win situation." - Tori, in the truest words ever spoken on True Tori

"It’s like Alice & Wonderland, but like the rave slash Halloween nighttime version." - Tori, on a totally appropriate 16th birthday party for stepson Jack

"It's a lie. I don't know what to tell you, babe. The whole thing about having her on the show too … the more she comes across is as this wonderful, loving person, people are watching going like 'Yeah what the f--k is Dean's problem?'" - Dean, on Mary Jo joining True Tori and compounding Dean's f--king problems

"I gave her a great life. She's f--king crazy. She's f--king delusional, now I'm starting to get really mad." - Dean on ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace