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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

British Gossip: Funny shit even we don’t quite get

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We’ll let you in on a little secret: only in New York and L.A. do the snide comments by Richard Johnson and Lloyd Grove actually matter. But across the pond, gossip is a way of life.

While Americans strive for such superficial ubiquity, the Brits mastered the art long ago. Unfortunately for the U.S., most of us haven’t a fucking clue who they’re talking about, since half of their gossip items are about footballers and nary an American understands said athletes don’t participate in touchdown celebrations.

But that doesn’t mean their gossip items can’t be as titillating as a Lindsay Lohan table dance. As such, we’re going to start looking inside English celebrity, where David Beckham is god, Chelsea is a borough unto itself (and not the future home of couples-with-child) and mentions of the Queen have nothing to do with rollerskating at the Roxy.

Play along, because we’re learning as we go. Today’s edition:

It seems this is Wayne Rooney, a 19-year-old “striker” for Manchester United (Beckham’s former team), who allegedly beat the shit out of music management student Patrick Hanrahan after a nightclub encounter. Hanrahan is said to have insulted Rooney, calling him a “treacherous cunt” (we removed the asterisks for you) and shouted “once a blue, always a blue,” in reference to his former Everton career.

It’s like gang warfare up in here. We’re still trying to figure out if running this item accounts for a slow or fast news day, though without a David Beckham mention, it’s probably at a crawl.

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