By now, you've almost certainly heard the news that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are stepping down from their roles as senior royals.
Though it may have been partially motivated by friction within the family, this was a professional decision that will serve to minimize the amount of time the couple is obliged to devote to their royal duties, thus freeing them up to focus entirely on their humanitatian efforts.
While they'll still enjoy some of the comforts enjoyed by other members of the royal family, Harry and Meghan will no longer draw any sort of salary, and will instead be forced to support themselves financially.
Though there's been a good deal of controversy over the manner in which the announcement was made (The palace claims the Queen was blindsided by he announcement, but that appears to be utter bollocks. More on that later.), it sounds like a perfectly reasonable arrangement.
And so it was that Buckingham Palace recognized that the pressures of royal life are not for everyone and wished Harry and Meghan the best in all their future endeavors.
Just kidding, everyone from the Queen on down is losing their mind and begging the couple not go go through with this.
"Members of the family were not consulted on the contents," one "exasperated" royal aide told The Daily Mail.
"People had bent over backwards for them. They were given the wedding they wanted, the house they wanted, the office they wanted, the money they wanted, the staff they wanted, the tours they wanted and had the backing of their family. What more did they want?" the insider added.
"It’s deeply unfair to the Queen who doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. It is a shoddy way to treat her," the source went on.
"The family understands that they want to do something different and is perfectly willing to help them. People are just devastated."
"The level of deceit has been staggering and everyone from the top of the royal household to the bottom feels like they have been stabbed in the back," another source told the Mail, adding that the family has "no clue" as to how Harry will become financially independent.
"It’s a masterclass in wanting to have your cake and eat it," yet another insider ranted.
"Even their own staff cautioned against them making this public until they actually sat down and discussed it with the family properly. But they are in this weird bubble and have this strange siege mentality," the source continued.
"They feel like it’s them against the world and are painting a very unfair picture of how this is a family that supposedly doesn’t understand or support them, which is complete and utter rubbish."
The insider went on:
"They have got to start working with people. It’s hugely unfair to paint out that this is a fusty old institution that doesn’t want to help them. People have been bending over backwards looking at different ways of doing things."
Yeah, the "attempt to stir up sympathy for the Royals" tactic probably isn't gonna be very effective, although might work for the Queen simply by virtue of the fact that she's been alive since the War of Spanish Succession.
But there's also an effort to paint Prince William as the victim in all this, and you can bet that will fall flat in hilarious fashion.
A new piece from The Sun describes William as “incandescent with rage," and to be honest, it might be nice to see homie express an emotion for the first time ever.
“Their statement was not cleared with anyone. It breaks all protocol. This is a declaration of war on the family. There is fury over how they’ve done this without any thought for the implications for the institution," a source tells the outlet.
"The Queen is deeply upset. The Prince of Wales and Duke of Cambridge are incandescent with rage.
“Harry and Meghan wanted it their way or the highway. So they’ve gone and exiled themselves from the Royal Family. It’s extraordinary," the insider added.
"The plan was there to discuss it and work out a way that works for everyone in the family.”
Hilariously, a new piece from The Evening Standard claims that Harry and Meghan did exactly that, and they went ahead and made the announcement themselves only after palace officials kept dragging their feet on making the news public.
Yes, Will is being as shady as ever, but believe it or not, he isn't the most pathetic figure in all of this.
No, that title goes to Meghan's awful father, Thomas Markle.
You might remember him as the lying doofus who faked a heart attack to get out of attending the royal wedding.
For years, Thomas claimed that the Royals had kidnapped Meghan and forced her to cut ties with her family.
Now, for some reason, he's pissed that she's decided to distance herself from her in-laws.
“I’ll just simply say I’m disappointed,” Thomas recently told Us Weekly (and you can be sure he was paid for the interview).
Frankly, we don't get it.
All of these people should be thanking the Sussexes.
After all, this will allow Meghan's awful family to slither back under the rocks from which they came.
As for the Royals, this story is temporarily distracting the world from the fact that Prince Andrew is a pedophile.
It's a win-win!