After eight long months on the inside, Mike Sorrentino was released from prison on September 12.
And as anyone who's been watching recent episodes of Jersey Shore knows -- Mike's absence has been keenly felt on the show.
(How many more scenes in that Vegas hotel suite will be forced to endure?!)
But if you're among the many viewers who have lately found themselves missing the old guido group dynamic, fear not:
The Sitch is back, and he's ready to bring the heat with some spicy stories from his time in the clink.
Sorrentino appeared on Snooki's podcast this week, and in addition to weighing in on the latest drama involving his housemates, he opened up about life in prison and the joys of his newfound freedom.
Mike began by confirming the obvious -- the top item on his post-prison agenda was smushing with his wife, Lauren Pesce.
After that, it was right back to making that green:
"I feel fantastic," Mike told Snooki.
"I've lost 40 pounds in this process. I'm back reunited with my beautiful wife.
"And working on the No. 1 TV show on MTV! I'm very grateful and just taking advantage of every moment, every conversation, every meal and just living my best life."
(Some possible shade directed at the ladies of Teen Mom there? We love it!)
"When I first got home, all I wanted to do was spend time with my beautiful wife. I wanted to have a naked pizza party," Sorrentino continued.
"I wanted to watch movies. I wanted to watch 'Avengers.' I wanted to watch 'Game of Thrones.' I had to catch up on all that TV. I wanted to snuggle with my dog."
Unfortunately, his binge-watching was short-lived, as producers recognized the need to film Mike in his first days as a free man in order to maximize the drama:
"And then the producers of MTV were like, 'Listen, we need to get you in there ASAP,'" The Sitch went on.
"So I pretty much took the ball and started to run with it immediately," he explained.
"I started working the day I came out. I saw you guys the next day, and then I think I moved in a couple days later."
"I was mentally ready, but at the same time, I was like, 'Alright, this is my job. It's time to man up. It's time to rise to the occasion.' Get that shmoney! I missed out on eight months. I wasn't doing projects for eight months."
As for his experience on the inside, Mike says he benefitted from fame and was well-liked by his fellow inmates.
("I got all the extra food all the time!")
He confirmed the rumors that be befriended infamous Fyre Fest organizer Billy MacFarland and revealed that MacFarland was less than a model prisoner.
"He supposedly smuggled in some sort of recording device, and he was caught with it," Mike claimed.
"They said he was trying to record high-profile inmates, and they threw him in the SHU. They sent him to a worse prison, I think, recently. That's a bonehead move right there.
And that's not the only famous face who served time alongside The Sitch.
And like the president, Sorrentino enjoyed demanding risky favors of Cohen:
"I went up to him the first day, and he was a bit nervous, and I thought to myself, you know what? I'm gonna ask him to go sneak me some chicken out of the main line. It's his first day," Mike recalled.
"I went up to Michael Cohen, and I said, 'Listen, Michael Cohen.' I'm there for like three-four months, I'm like, 'Listen, bro, I'm gonna need you to do something for me.'
He said, 'What is it, Mike? Anything!' I said, 'I'm gonna need you to go in main line. It's your first day here. No one knows. I'm gonna need you to smuggle chicken from the main line and give it to me. I'm gonna hide it in my locker so that I can have an extra serving after my workout.'"
Sadly, Mike says Cohen "chickened out" and didn't go through with the meat heist.
If only he'd shown that kind of backbone the last time a reality TV asked him to engage in some sketchy behavior!
All-in-all Mike says his time behind bars was deeply unpleasant but not nearly as bad as it could have been due to his celebrity status:
"I was blessed to shoot a lot of TV before I went into prison, so while I was in prison, I was on TV every Thursday with a smile on my face," he said.
"Like, 'Oh, look, there's my wedding!' But I missed out on a lot of money from being in prison for eight months."
As for the work he was expected to perform, well ... fame goes a long way with the masses, even behind bars.
"I'll be honest," Mike said, "there was a guy in prison that did my job for me."
Hey, we're just glad he's back to his real job -- stuffing his face and spouting inspirational cliches on television!
Welcome home, Sitch!