It's been over two years since Johnny Depp and Amber Heard finalized their divorce, but the latest Hollywood split in recent memory is once again making tabloid headlines.
That's because Depp is suing Heard for $50 million, alleging that the actress violated a non-disclosure agreement by writing about her experiences as an abuse survivor in a Washington Post op-ed.
The bitter civil trial has seen Depp and Heard hurling increasingly shocking allegations at one another.
In court documents, Heard described Depp as an alcoholic "monster," prone to frightening fits of jealousy and violent rage.
She later accused the actor of trying to get her fired from the movie Aquaman and blacklisted from Hollywood.
Depp fired back, claiming that Heard tried to cut his finger off during a fight and went to great lengths to frame him for physical abuse.
Thus far, most of the allegations have come in the form of filings from Depp and Heard's lawyers.
But now, Johnny is speaking for himself in newly-released documents first obtained by The Blast.
"I’ve denied Heard’s allegations since she first made them in May 2016 when she walked into court to obtain a restraining order with painted on bruises that witnesses and surveillance footage show she didn’t have each day of the preceding week," the actor wrote.
"I’ll continue to deny them for the rest of my life. I never abused Heard or any other woman."
You may recall the photos of Heard's bruised face that were published in several publications in 2016.
Believe it or not, Depp is now claiming that the press was bamboozled by a skillful makeup job.
He portrays heard as a master of deception whose "lies are internally inconsistent, shifting, and contradicted by overwhelming testimonial, photographic, audio, video, and other evidence."
From there, Depp does the thing where he claims he's not just working to rescue his public image -- he's also standing up for the real victims!
He writes that he filed the suit "not only to clear my name and to restore my reputation, but also to attempt to bring clarity to all the women and men whose lives have been harmed by abuse and who’ve been lied to repeatedly by Ms. Heard as their spokesperson."
Heard's alleged motive for concocting such an elaborate lie is never revealed in Depp's filing.
Presumably, he wants us to believe she hoped to destroy his career and fleece him for everything he's worth in the divorce.
Of course, the man the internet has dubbed "Johnny Debt" has done a fine job of destroying his own finances, what with spending $30,000 a month on wine for several years, among other ridiculous expenditures.
Someday, you'll explain to your children that there was a time when Donald Trump was a harmless reality show host, and Johnny Depp was universally beloved weirdo.