Folks, we're gonna step into the Wayback Machine for a moment and transport you directly to 2009.
A fresh-faced Barack Obama had just moved into the White House; the global economy was still reeling from the Great Recession; and the Tiger Woods cheating scandal dominated tabloid headlines.
For our younger readers who may not remember the revelation that Woods' obsession with holes extended beyond the golf course, allow us to summarize it thusly:
Tiger Woods slept with all the women.
Actually, to be fair, it's not totally clear if he was still sleeping with his wife with any regularity, but in 2009, he was definitely banging everyone who wasn't his wife.
Another figure from the bygone oughts who factors into today's sordid tale is Duane Chapman, otherwise known as Dog the Bounty Hunter.
There was a time when networks were allowed to produce reality shows that focused on things other than real estate and reproduction.
During this time, Dog reigned supreme, combining the most bonkers elements of Cops and Intervention to form a weird hybrid product in which he would tackle people and then lecture them about their life choices.
How do the tales of these two fallen heroes intersect?
Well to explain that, we need to introduce you to Jamie Jungers.
Jungers was one of Woods' mistresses, and it seems her life hit the skids in a major way in the years since she parted ways with the golfer.
Fortunately, Dog emerged from retirement to come to Jamie's rescue.
In a wild interview with Radar Online, Chapman tells the tale of saving Jungers' life by rescuing her from a drug house where she was exchanging sexual favors for heroin:
“She was 88 pounds when we got her and the handcuffs wouldn’t even go on her wrists because they were so skinny. She was going to die in the next few weeks," Dog tells Radar.
“These guys were holding her in a house where she was giving sexual favors for drugs," he adds.
“She told me she was trading drugs for sex with guys at four or five houses.”
Hilariously, Chapman thinks we need to know the professions of Jamie's johns:
“One was the top investigator for one of the biggest insurance companies in the U.S. Another guy was in construction," he tells the website.
Champman goes on to say that Jungers fully blames Woods for the current state of her life:
“She said she blames Tiger," he reveals.
"She said all these dirty motherf--kers wanted to f--k me just because I had f--ked Tiger Woods, and before I knew it all these people were coming into my life because of drugs and I’m a f--cking junkie now and I hate it.”
Well, Tiger might be partially responsible, but it seems like there's a lot of blame to go around in this case.
This has been the first in what we hope will be many installments of Dog vs. Tiger.