Breaking news: Meghan Markle is pregnant with her first child! She and Prince Harry are expecting sometime next spring.
Okay, so you probably heard that last week. But speculation about the newest royal baby's name is already heating up!
Despite unconfirmed reports that Meghan is having a boy, and that Harry wants a girl, they've yet to confirm their offspring's gender.
That's not about to stop us from weighing in on her child - specifically what the Duke and Duchess of Sussex should name it.
Let's just say that if she listens to our staff writers, she'll have plenty of options for an idea that ... wait ... wait ... Suits her.
Suits has given Meghan Markle so much already: it was through the show that she first came to global prominence.
The Pearson Darby storyline from Season 2 guided her through her first British merger. And as she was born Rachel Meghan Markle, choosing to take her middle name professionally, the show even gave her the opportunity to reclaim her birth name as Rachel Zane.
It is only fitting, then, that Suits provide the Duchess with the name of her first child. But which name to pick?
Unfortunately, the show’s three mainstays are out, as Harvey, Donna and Lewis are terrible first names. How about finding inspiration in the last names, then?
After all, Markle’s love life has been bereft of last names: on Suits, she married Mike Ross, a man with two first names. And in real life, she married Prince Harry, a man with no last name.
Again, this is a no-go: Specter is out, as naming a child after the organization out to kill James Bond is probably not the best way for a foreigner to ingratiate one’s self with the British populace.
As is Zane, as the break-up of One Direction is a wound far too fresh for England to reopen, even with a slight spelling change.
But perhaps there is something with Zane after all. Suits never lacked for drama, but it, like all shows, will eventually come to an end. The only drama that lasts forever is family drama.
While Markle has largely stayed above the muck that her estranged family keeps wading into, the naming of her child provides an opportunity for her to end that drama once and for all: name the child “Robert” after Robert Zane, her father on Suits and the best father figure Markle has ever had.
For a boy: Harvey.
Generally, royal babies are given traditional names like Henry or Aethelred, so that if they wind up ascending to the throne due to freak accident or bloody war of succession, they can just slap a Roman numeral on the end and be done with it.
I say that’s lame, and it’s for nerds.
It worked for centuries, because the royal family is comprised entirely of lame nerds. But Meghan Markle is cool and hot and she’s from Hollywood, which is why, if she has a son, she should name it … Harvey.
Hear me out!
It’s been rough year for that particular moniker, but not all Harveys are sexual predators. Before she became the Duchess of Sussex, Meg was best known for her role on Suits, and her boss on the show was named Harvey Specter.
Yes, her husband on the show was named Mike, but you can’t give a royal baby such a basic-ass name. No one wants to bow before King Mike.
So christening the wee lad Harvey would be a great way to honor Meghan’s past while also reclaiming what could be a cool name and preventing future generations from associating it with a sweaty scrotum monster.
I’d be lying if I told you I knew I’d end up using that phrase in an article about baby names.
For a girl: Tatiana.
Ha! All the Suits fans out there thought I was gonna go with Rachel, in honor of Meghan’s character on the show. Well, I’ve got a surprise for both of you!
Yes, I’m once again paying tribute to MegMar’s acting career, but unlike all you bandwagon-jumpers, I’m aware that her most essential contribution to the world of cinema is her uncredited role as Tatiana in the largely forgotten Russell Brand-Jonah Hill classic Get Him to the Greek.
(Her part as a Fed Ex girl who gets hit on by Jason Sudeikis in Horrible Bosses is a close second.)
If I’m being completely honest, I had no idea Meghan was even in that movie until I Googled her filmography five minutes ago, and it looks as though her scene has been buried by the sands of time - if it even made the final cut.
But that’s neither here nor there.
At its core, this idea is about my desire to see the look on the Queen’s face when Harry and Meghan tell her they’re naming their daughter Tatiana because of a Russell Brand movie, a moment that I hope they would capture on video and put on YouTube for the world’s amusement.
This has been the first installment in my series on the many ways in which the royal family could be way cooler.
If you grew up wanting to be a parent, there’s a good chance you’ve spent at least a little bit of time thinking about baby names.
And if you meet an actual prince then fall in love with him and decide to get married, and you have some weird obligation to make more little baby princes and princesses … You DEFINITELY have some names floating around in your head.
What we’re saying is that Meghan and Harry are probably way, way ahead of us in thinking of potential names for their baby.
So we have a lot of catching up to do! First of all, let’s go ahead and throw out the name everyone’s going to be thinking of: Diana.
Sure, William and Kate used it as like the third name for their daughter, but it’s not like they own the name, you know?
But then again, Meghan is pretty much the coolest thing that ever happened to the royal family, so that might not be hip or original enough for her.
Maybe they’ll go with something that ends in “-ayden,” right? A lot of people seem to be into that. Or just a random but adorable noun, like River or Olive or Lamp.
Let’s see, one of her old dogs was named Bogart, so maybe they could reference some classic movie star? Hepburn? Monroe? Brando?
Ooh, ooh, or Grace Kelly, because she was a Hollywood star who became a princess, just like Meghan?! But you know what?
This whole thing would be way more fun if we all didn’t know that what’s going to happen is that they’re going to pick some old, boring name.
James, Mary, Victoria, Henry … Basically open up a history book, find the section about all the British kings and queens and their kids and dogs or whatever, and that’s where you’ll find your Harkle baby name. Such a waste.
What Harry and Meghan name their first child is a deeply personal choice that will reflect who they are as people as well as their child's relation to the royal family.
So, naturally, I'm sure that they'd love to hear my opinion.
Alexander or Alexandra remain arguably great names, because they fall within the traditional names of British nobility and are also normal names.
William and Kate made similarly good choices with George and Charlotte but then stumbled on that front with Louis.
Louis is very royal but only a “normal” name if you are a duckling who wears green. But while variations of Alex may be good choices, they're not super interesting.
We have already mentioned that Harry's children will not have princely titles unless his grandmother intervenes to make it so.
By default, it is expected that Harry's eldest son will be an Earl at birth. So Harry and Meghan should just name their son Earl.
It's a dignified name and will effectively strong-arm the Queen into giving him a better title so that he doesn't go around being called Earl Earl.
Instead, he'll just grow up with resentments, like a normal child, and with no great love for the Dixie Chicks.
If they have a daughter, they should name her America. To be clear, that's after America Chavez, a really great superhero.
By coincidence, it'll be an eternal and glaring reminder of the land of Meghan's birth. You know, in case anyone forgets.