In case you haven't been keeping up with the sad downward spiral of Johnny Depp in recent months, allow us to quickly fill you in:
Basically, over the course of the past year, the once-beloved actor has gone from brooding weirdo with mystique, a la Edward Scissorhands, to perennially-inebriated shyster who you wouldn't trust to look after your houseplants, a la some unsettling combo of Captain Jack Sparrow and Depp's Hunter S. Thompson caricature from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
We won't even get into Depp's truly ugly divorce from Amber Heard, with its myriad allegations of physical and psychological abuse.
Instead, we'll focus on the other legal entanglements that should keep Johnny occupied for his remaining years.
It all started when Depp sued his management team for allegedly allowing him to spend himself to the brink of bankruptcy.
(At a certain level of wealth, you're literally not accountable for anything you do.)
The management group countersued, claiming that Depp is a habitual liar who spends $30,000 a month on wine (seriously).
As we've seen time and again in 2018, once a rich and powerful person gets called out in a legal setting, people begin to realize that he's not actually invincible.
And - taking a cue from his management team - Depp's security guards are getting in on the act and suing the actor for the astonishing sum of $25 million.
Does their case have any merit?
That remains to be seen - but in the meantime, the disgruntled guards are doing a number on Depp's already battered reputation with some shocking tales of misbehavior.
The bodyguards claim they were initially paid by a private security firm, but when Depp fell on hard times, they agreed to a deal where he would pay them directly - and they were immediately punished for their loyalty.
"Depp began making sudden and drastic changes to his staff and management team, causing a significant financial crunch for everyone surrounding Depp, except for Depp himself,” read court documents obtained by Page Six.
“Plaintiffs were loyal to Depp and his family and understanding of the financial hurricane Depp was in.”
The papers go on to allege:
“Plaintiffs found themselves in situations that required more than what a bodyguard would be expected to do."
And what were they asked to do?
Oh just act as Depp's personal chauffeurs/babysitters/drug mules/personal assistants, that's all.
Lawyers claim the guards "were asked repeatedly to drive vehicles that contained illegal substances” and “open containers” and “were asked to monitor unstable individuals in [Depp’s] life and entourage."
Their duties were eventually expanded to include serving as the "primary caretakers" of Depp's children, and occasionally removing the cocaine from his immaculately-manicured mustache.
“Often times Plaintiffs were forced to protect [Depp] from himself and his vices while in public, becoming caretakers for him," the suit claims.
"A[n] incident at a local nightclub involved Plaintiffs alerting Depp of illegal substances visible on his face and person while preventing onlookers from noticing Depp’s condition.”
The guards go on to claim that Depp created a "toxic and unsafe work environment" that eventually forced them to quit.
As evidence, they cite an incident in which the actor's head of security shot himself in the leg “while playing with his weapon in a small control room on Johnny Depp’s property.”
Hey, if "playing" with guns while coked out of your guard makes us toxic and unsafe, we don't want to be whatever the opposite of toxic and unsafe is!
Anyway, you can stop researching that Fear and Loathing role whenever you want now, Johnny.