They say if you marry for money, you’ll earn it every day of your life.
Generally that expression refers to the fact that you’ll be forced to feign attraction to some elderly monocle-rocker who won’t shut up about the time he got mustard gassed by the Red Baron, or some sh-t.
But for Melania Trump, the devil had an even more nefarious bargain in mind…
When she signed on the dotted line, it looked like Melania was in for a sweeter deal than either of the Donald’s previous wives.
After all, they eventually got traded in for younger models, whereas Melania had the good sense to hitch her wagon to an obese sundowner who’s fueled by Big Macs and rage.
There was a time when it looked like she would quietly endure a few short years of spray tan residue and uncomfortable Ivanka-related moments before collecting her winnings.
But then God and the people of Wisconsin conspired against her.
These days, Melania is the most sedate first lady since Betty Ford, and it’s not hard to see why she’s having a hard time mustering enthusiasm for the gig.
After all, not only is her husband’s administration a leaky, decommissioned Russian battleship with a constant stream of fleeing rats, her marriage is going down faster than Steve Bannon locked in a candle-lit room by himself.
The latest embarrassment comes in the form of reports that Donald had an affair with Stormy Daniels, a porn star who’s presumably harboring meteorological ambitions.
The first marriage has shown signs of strain in the past, such as when Melania swatted Donald’s hand away during an official visit to Tel Aviv last year.
But according to The New York Times, tensions between the Trumps have risen to an all-time high in the wake of the latest cheating allegations.
"Mrs. Trump and the president have had a tumultuous relationship at times over the years, but few episodes have roiled the peace as much as the news surrounding Ms. Daniels," the paper claims.
"The reports of a payoff blindsided the first lady, who was furious with her husband, according to two people close to the couple. She has kept a low profile since."
Melania’s shade throwing campaign has consisted of publicly snubbing her husband in a variety of ingenious ways.
At the last minute, she canceled plans to accompany him to Davos, Switzerland for the World Economic Forum, an event that Trump reportedly considered one of the most important of his presidency.
Shortly thereafter, she broke with tradition by riding to his State of the Union address in a separate vehicle.
This week, she flew with the president to Palm Beach, but reporters say the Trump’s interactions were visibly icy.
And then there was the matter of how Melania chose to mark the one-year anniversary of Donald’s inauguration:
As you can see, the Donald is nowhere to be seen, and Melania seems to be enjoying the company of a strapping young gent in uniform.
Fortunately, her husband is a self-assured man who’s entirely secure in his masculinity and possesses full control over his emotions.
There’s no way that Donald John Trump would look at a photo of his wife on the arm of a man who’s actually 6’2", 239 lbs. and feel threatened in any way.
Obviously, Mrs. Trump is winning major points these days, but it’s a major gambit.
After all, the Donald’s not the type to stay single for long, and it seems Piers Morgan is already auditioning to take Melania’s place.