Last August, former The Bachelor contestant (and winner) Vienna Girardi suffered a tragic miscarriage. Grief-stricken, she reported that she had lost both twins.
That was five months before her due date.
Now that what what would have been her due date has come, Vienna is posting about how she's coping -- and not coping -- with her loss.
Back in June, we were so happy to report that Vienna Girardi was not only pregnant, but expecting twin daughters.
On August 5th, Vienna Girardi tragically miscarried. On August 13th, she was finally ready to share the sad news.
"My water broke due to the amniotic sacs rupturing. I spent the next 2 days in the hospital trying everything to save them."
A heartbreaking and desperate fight. One that she and the doctors ultimately lost.
"My little angels went to Heaven on Aug 5. And I was rushed into the OR for emergency surgery and was in the ICU for 4 days."
"Your mommy will never forget you and I loved you both with my entire heart."
On Wednesday, January 10th, Vienna Girardi posted an update on how she's doing:
"Today should have been a day to rejoice and celebrate life... today was my due date."
Sometimes, something as simple as a date on a calendar can break your heart all over again. It's tough to ignore.
"Instead I’m finding it hard to even get out of bed, hard to smile or feel anything at all."
That is very understandable. Grief can seem to suck the life out of you and rob you of any sense of hope or joy.
She describes what sound like serious depression symptoms, and she doesn't try to sugarcoat things.
"I feel numb as I stand outside watching my dogs; it’s wet and gloomy as if the world knows and feels my pain."
She says that one thing has gotten easier: wearing a facade that everything's fine and normal.
"Each day has gotten easier to for me to put a smile on and pretend everything is ok but not today."
Coping with grief can be a fake-it-until-you-make-it process, but on some days, everybody has to drop the false smile.
"I can’t pretend today."
Just because she can't seem to feel happiness doesn't mean that she's entirely numb.
"I’m hurting, I’m sad, and I feel empty."
And she continues:
"I still wondering why and I still get angry and today I’m mad and sad and just want it to be ok to feel this way."
She ends her post with a broken heart emoji.
Different people respond to different situations in different ways. Just because you may know someone who "shook it off" after a miscarriage doesn't mean that someone else's sorrow is somehow invalid.
And, chances are that the people who "dealt with it" didn't, actually -- that they're just better at hiding it.
It's good that Vienna is sufficiently in touch with her emotions that she can describe exactly what she feels and what she doesn't -- what she can't -- feel at this point in her grieving process.
That will help her to heal.
That ... and time. Nothing can make it better, but time can make it easier.