If you were worried that Charlie Sheen's HIV diagnosis would cause the hard-partying actor to change his ways, fear not:
Chuckles is still living the life of a jet-setting drug sponge, and he hasn't lost his ability to narrowly avoid capture from international authorities like he's James Bond ...
... If, at some point in his travels, James Bond had developed a serious taste for bath salts, of course.
According to Radar Online, the Sheenius' latest brush with the law took place at Brown Field Airport in San Diego, when his plane was forced to land for an inspection following a trip to Mexico, where Charlie had presumably devoted several weeks to scholarly research of the lifestyle of tequila worms.
"Charlie was on his private plane coming back from Cabo San Lucas, where he'd been on a bender, and had to stop in San Diego for inspection," a source close to Sheen tells the website.
To the complete shock of literally no one on the planet, Sheen was more than a little tipsy during the search:
"Charlie was hammered, and upon inspection, some sort of narcotic appeared to be found on board," the insider says.
Drugs?! On Charlie Sheen's private jet?!
What's next, evidence of corruption and incompetence in the Trump administration?!
The tipster says authorities then "took all the bags off the plane, and had drug-sniffing dogs go through the plane and bags."
The insider adds:
"A dog sniffed around one of the suitcases on the tarmac. The dog scratched on the case, and it was opened, but it was a false alarm."
A witness to the inspection says Sheen conveniently excused himself when the drug dog came on the scene:
"Drunk Charlie scuttled off to the bathroom, saying he had to pee," the onlooker tells Radar.
"Charlie, who may have ditched the drugs in the bathroom, was relieved in more ways than one, and reboarded the plane."
"Relieved in more ways than one"! You slay us, source!
Earlier this month there was talk of Sheen undergoing "life-saving" detox following a family intervention, but we think it's safe to say the treatment didn't stick.
Either that, or Charlie is experimenting with a new form of sobriety that allows margarita-guzzling contests in Cabo.
Now that's a health plan we can all get behind.