To say that Donald Trump is an unorthodox president would be like saying Josef Stalin thought outside the box when it came to resolving conflicts with his enemies.
By now, of course, Trump's policy decisions probably have you stocking your basement with cans of Dinty Moore beef stew, but his administration is also bonkers in ways that have nothing to do with gross violations of the Constitution.
As you may know, the Donald's family situation is less than traditional, what with his three wives, one of whom currently lives in a different freakin' state, and apparently has no intention of moving closer to her husband any time soon.
We were originally told that Vanity Fair Mexico cover girl Melania Trump would remain at Trump Tiower (costing tax payers hundreds of millions of dollars in the process) until the end of the 2017 school year, for the benefit of her 10-year-old son, Barron.
Now, sources are telling Us Weekly that Melania may never move out of Manhattan.
"They will reevaluate toward the end of the school year if they will keep this arrangement or if Melania and Barron will move to Washington," says the source.
"They could go either way right now. They will ultimately do what's best for Barron."
Translation: We'll see Melania and Barron move to D.C. around the same time we see Donald's tax returns.
You may be asking yourself, What's the big deal? Since when do we care about president's personal lives?
To which we reply, Really, hypothetical reader?
We've cared about about president's personal lives since around the time some nosy reporter spotted Washington pulling a carpenter ant from between his pine canines.
In this case, we doubly care, because the estimated cost of providing Melania and Barron with Secret Service protection in the heart of Midtown Manhattan is estimated to be about $1 million a day!
To put that in perspective, the annual budget of the NEA (which Trump has proposed abolishing for cost-cutting purposes) is about $146 million.
So yeah, less than half of what we're all gonna shell out to keep Melania in her gilded monument to greed for the next 12 months.
Someone should really tell the Trumps that D.C. has both really good schools AND a number of high-end boutiques.
It's a bigly shame that thus far in his presidency Trump has been such a slave to Bannon and Barron.
When does Donnie get time ... for Donnie?
*solitary tear carves a path through the Snooki-brand spray tan on his cheek*