We had our doubts about 2017 being any better than the Year Who Must Not Be Named that preceded it, but if stories like this one keep coming out way, this trip around the sun might turn out to be okay, after all.
As you may have heard Kim Kardashian and Kanye West could be headed for divorce.
We've heard this story many, many times before, but this time, there's actual evidence to support claims that Kim and Kanye's marriage is coming to an end.
Naturally, there's been a lot of talk about the causes of the rumored breakup.
Some say Kim was pissed that Kanye wasn't more supportive after she was robbed at gunpoint in Paris.
Others claim Kim is frightened of her estranged husband as a result of Kanye's recent emotional breakdown.
Both viable explanations, but they're sad and make us feel bad for celebrities as though they're real people, or something, so we're gonna go with the hilarious narrative offered up in the latest issue of the National Enquirer:
According to the most notorious of all gossip rags, Kimye's troubles started when Kim got her famous ass stuck in a fancy toilet seat that Kanye bought.
According to a source - who, based on his language, is either Stephen King or the Crypt Keeper - Yeezy bought some high-end porcelain from a Japanese designer, but the piece wasn't made for to handle Kardashian-sized butts:
“Hearing Kim’s blood-curdling howl, Kanye hustled to the upstairs bathroom and found her hopelessly wedged in the throne," the insider claims.
“Furious Kim shrieked ’til hubby tugged her loose, then screamed that he’d lost all bedroom privileges until further notice.”
Sadly, the whole thing is a little too on-the-nose to be believable.
Kanye made an extravagantly douchey purchase? Obviously.
Kim got her famous Kardashi-ass stuck in a some sort of zany contraption? We'd buy that.
But when you put both together, it sounds like the good folks at the Enquirer spun the Kim wheel and the Kanye wheel at the same time and had a contest to see who could churn out the fastest story using both premises.
We appreciate you trying to cheer us up, Enquirer, but we just need to accept that this year is destined to be a sh-tshow.
Not only was that pun unintentional, we're too depressed to even joke about Kanye's failure to watch the throne.