Before we start, let's just get one thing out in the open:
Nathan Griffith is the worst.
Like, yeah, his former lover, Teen Mom 2 star Jenelle Evans, is also awful, but at least she's seemed to clean up her act lately.
Meanwhile, Nathan has made it his life's goal to make his act as unclean as possible. As we speak, he's probably just down there in South Carolina or in jail or whatever, just pissing all over the thing.
He. Is. Terrible.
He's so terrible that the Master of Horror herself, Jenelle, is taking him to court in an attempt to get sole custody of their two-year-old son, Kaiser.
And, according to this new interview Nathan gave to Real Mr. Housewife, he simply cannot let that happen.
As Nathan says, Kaiser "needs a good, loving environment like I can provide him instead of him being 2 and a half years old already getting stuck in pre-school."
"Jenelle doesn't work," he went on. "How about she take him to the park? You see all the pictures I constantly post with him. I have a blast with him."
See, because as Teen Mom 2 has taught us, parenting doesn't count unless you provide evidence of it on social media.
Nathan posts pictures of Kaiser "constantly" while Jenelle just posts every once in a while, so he's a better parent, get it?
Griffith isn't nearly done with his list of grievances though.
He also is upset that Jenelle has told people that he's not around Kaiser that much "just because there was one weekend I asked my Mom to watch him so I could go out with my girlfriend."
"I mean, come on," Nathan brilliantly argues.
"Aren't there weeks at a time she doesn't have Kaiser because she has him at David's Mom's while the go on these extravagant vacations?"
"The woman is a book of contradictions."
Oh, Nathan, what a wordsmith you are! Weave more magical tapestries, more, more!
"Jenelle spreads so many lies about me," he complains.
"I'm just going to end up going to mediation. I already talked to my lawyer and can't go into great detail about this."
But he did give an example of one of Jenelle's many lies - according to him; Nathan and Jenelle both have an odd relationship with the truth.
To hear him explain it, one time, "My Mom asked Jenelle if she wants Kaiser to be supervised and if she could come to pick Kaiser up."
"She said, 'Oh yeah, you can pick him up anytime' and then she doesn't respond. She's a liar."
And the injustices don't end there!
No, Nathan is also taking issue with the way Jenelle tries to use social media to always make him out to be a bad person.
Can you imagine?!
Nathan, always the victim obviously, says "She wants to proclaim me being this horrible father and that she doesn't trust me."
"She's living with a convicted felon who just was sentenced to jail for 60 days," he says of Jenelle's baby daddy-to-be, David Eason.
"Also, all the marks and bruises and all he sicknesses and strange illnesses Kaiser has have never been with me, only with her."
"Like the hand foot mouth disease, the rashes, the blisters on his butt, the scraped up knees, the bump on his head -- I can go on and on."
We don't want to take anything away from Nathan's powerful narrative, but perhaps Kaiser scrapes his knees and bumps his head and gets rashes because he's, oh, say, a toddler?
And maybe all those things happen on her watch because she watches him the vast majority of the time?
We're not exactly defending Jenelle, but how can he possibly say that he'd be a better parent for Kaiser than she is?
He's been arrested twice in the past four months for choking someone. He drives drunk like it's an Olympic sport he's training for.
Like we said, he's the worst.
So Nathan, bud, we know it must be so hard to be you, to have all these terrible things happen to you, but maybe, just this once, put yourself in a time-out and figure out what you did wrong.
See you in the next century.