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Kim Zolciak is, to put it very mildly, a piece of work.

She’s loud, obnoxious, offensive, and those are some of her best qualities.

Another one of her charms? That special way she has of trying to make everyone believe she’s never had any plastic surgery on her face.

Kim Zolciak Before and After

In this new interview she did with Entertainment Tonight, she listed all the things about her appearance that are fake or constructed by the expert hands of plastic surgeons. And, well, it just sounds wrong.

She started from the top, saying “We all know that I wear a wig, although I have amazing hair.”

“I’ve done my lips,” she continued, and added that “I’ve been getting Botox since I was young, for migraines initially and now it’s the obvious reason.”

“I’ve had my boobs done. I fixed by hernia and had a tummy tuck at the same time, you know, it’s one in the same.”

You might have noticed that Kim didn’t mention anything about a nose job, or about any other intensive procedures regarding her face. Which is strange, because her face looks remarkably different than it did a few years ago.

Kim Zolciak on Instagram

“Makeup, the contouring and what have you, definitely helps,” she explained. “Why would I not talk about a nose job?”

We don’t know, Kim. Why would you advise your own daughter to “try 5-10 penises” before getting married? Why do you do anything that you do?

Kim also said that as of right now, plastic surgery is completely off the table, thanks to that stroke she had last year.

“This is the other thing, you idiots!” she so adorably said. “You think I’m gonna have a stroke and then go do something? Go have plastic surgery?”

“That’s really smart. You can’t. I’m on blood thinners for at least another year.”

Kim Zolciak in the Hospital

Yeah, you idiots. Do you think Kim is some kind of ignoramus or something? Do you think she’d be that stupid? Get real, dummies.

(Nice deflection from the nose job conundrum, right?)

In the interview, Kim also discussed another thing she’s known for: getting into embarrassing, pointless fights with strangers on social media.

“I’m a Taurus, right?” she started, and so you know she’s about to drop some wisdom.

“So I’ll take it, and I’ll take it, and I’ll take it, when it comes to me, anyway. When it comes to my kids, you got about a very small window, and then I just blow up.”

Brielle and Kim Zolciak on the Red Carpet

“It makes me so mad that people take time out of their day to write a nasty comment … You’re making a conscious effort, decision to type this out to me, or my daughter?”

To be clear, she’s talking about her oldest daughter, Brielle Biermann. Brielle gets a lot of hate because she’s just as insufferable as her mother, but as Kim tells it, it’s because she’s “very strong, very confident.”

And as for her husband, Kroy Biermann, Kim says that he doesn’t have any social media accounts, so he usually doesn’t keep up with what she posts. That’s how she’s free to post nude pics of him.

“He doesn’t know what I do,” she said, “Until he gets a Google Alert.”

Well, aren’t you just a peach, Kim? What a real and true gem.