Martin Shkreli: Woman Forks Over $50K For Privilege of Punching Pharma Douche in the Face

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If you've ever heard Martin Shkreli speak, you know dude could drive a Buddhist monk on ecstasy to contemplate the virtues of physical violence.

But remarkably, it seems the so-called Pharma Douche has found a way to use his high punchability quotient for good.

Shkreli, of course, first came to national attention for price-gouging HIV patients during his brief tenure as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

Martin Shkreli Photo

It was widely expected that Marty would disappear back under the bridge from whence he slithered once his 15 minutes of infamy ran out, but that hasn't been the case.

Instead, we've learned that Shkreli feeds off negative attention like that pink slime from Ghostbusters II.

At this point, Trump could devour a litter of kittens on live TV, and in terms of likability, he would still look like Paul Rudd handing out ice cream cones when compared to Shkreli.

While it's true that the sight of Martin's smug smirk sometimes causes our fingers to involuntarily ball up into fists of rage, we don't actually advocate violence against anyone, for any reason.

Fortunately, a situation has emerged that will hopefully yield footage of Shkreli willingly getting socked in the face  -- and for charity, no less!

The 33-year-old evil-doer recently announced that he's decided to auction off the opportunity to pound his widely-despised mug into oblivion.

The proceeds will go to a college fund for the son of Mike Kulich, a PR rep for Shkreli's company who passed away on Saturday.

Martin Shkreli

It's anyone's guess as to what may have moved Shkreli to take a cue from those mysterious creatures that drive his Ubers and deliver his Seamless orders by displaying a shred of humanity.

Perhaps Marty remembered that he's probably headed to prison soon, and when the sentencing judge asks how he spent the past six months, he should probably have a better answer than "playing Pokemon Go and calling women 'Thots' on Twitter."

Or maybe after publicly wishing death on Hillary Clinton, Shkreli had a moment of self-reflection and realized he's reached a level of cartoonish villainy that only your Hannibal Lecters and your Heath Ledger Jokers can pull off. 

Whatever the case, Martin seems to have finally come to terms with the fact that he's most useful to society as a literal punching bag.

But don't go checking your bank balance to see if you can treat yourself to a Shkreli beating this month.

For one thing, the privilege is probably outside of your price range.

Martin claims the bidding reached $78,000 at one point. Of course, the man has been known to lie about ... well, everything.

While it's still unclear exactly how the auction played out, it seems the punch has already been sold to a Florida woman identified only as "Katie," 

Martin Shkreli Pic

"Katie will be permitted to 'repeatedly pummel me in the face' as requested. Bidding is over," Shkreli tweeted yesterday.

The lucky pugilist reportedly shelled out 50 grand for said pummeling.

As much as it pains us to praise this sniveling embodiment of the evils of late-stage capitalism, we have to reluctantly admit that it's awfully nice of Shkreli to look out for his deceased colleague's family like that.

Of course, Martin recently purchased a Wu-Tang Clan album for $2 million, and after his recent arrest for securities fraud, it was revealed that he keeps a whopping $45 million in his E*Trade account.

So it's unclear why he couldn't just cover the kid's college expenses himself.

But we digress.

The real mystery here is why Ghostface Killah didn't just beat the brakes off Shkreli for free back when Lord Twerpington's favorite pastime was taunting the rap legend on social media:

Maybe Ghost is just hoping to lull the pill Nazi into a false sense of security.

Marty, if we were you, we'd keep a safe distance from the slums of Shaolin just to be safe.

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