Gwyneth Paltrow Found You a $15K Vibrator. You're Welcome.

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If there's anyone less qualified to offer you sex toys than the world's WASP-iest woman, then I implore that person to step forward.

Gwyneth Paltrow Signs Copies of 'It's All Easy' Cookbook in NYC

Gwyneth Paltrow imagines she's doing the Lord's work by offering her readers high-end sex toys, edited neatly on her pretentious lifestyle site that I hate/love, GOOP.

Your regular, hum-drum "goody draw" needs an upgrade.  Like, coach-to-first-class-and-you-pay-the-difference upgrade.

The lube you're using has parabens, and those condoms may have prevented several unwanted pregnancies and STDs, but are they "vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free?"

I think not!

Thanks to a particular scene from Netflix's Grace & Frankie, we're now aware that drugstore lubricants are dangerous.

"We’d never considered what went into lube, and that it’s actually super toxic (the most popular options contain parabens, for one) and that we are in theory putting it into the most vulnerable and permeable parts of our bodies,” GOOP pointed out.

“So, maybe Frankie was onto something when she called her yam-lube invention ‘a big moment in the history of the vagina.'”

Now you've got us all paranoid about our nether regions, Gwynnie.

If you're worried about your genitals falling off as a result of toxic lube and want to give them a final hurrah they soon won't forget, might GOOP interest you in Lelo Inez's 24k gold vibrator?

It was designed “for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure," so surely you're ok with dropping $15,000.

For those of you who are too poor for such luxury, might GOOP interest you in the stainless steel version ($7,900)?

If you were deciding between that dress at Neiman Marcus or a "black and gold cat whip by Agent Provocateur,"ask yourself which one who kiss you goodnight.

Neither! Any way you slice it, you're spending $535 on something you will probably get only one use out of.

If you're feeling sexy-on-a-budget, GOOP suggests the $399 Tiani vibrating couples’ massager.

Why?  because it features a "ring of 24k gold laser-engraved with a unique serial number and a new dual-motor design for more power than ever before.”

How laser-engraved serial numbers have anything to do with sex is beyond me.

Then again, this article comes straight from GOOP.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Biography

British Vogue Cover
Gwyneth Paltrow is an American actress. We are happy to report that her head has been reattached since the movie, Seven, and now she... More »
Full Name
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes

I've learned more about myself being married than anything else. I hate to say, "We've got it worked out," because you never know what's going to happen, but we laugh, we're good friends, we like to do the same stuff.

Gwyneth Paltrow

It's hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We're the same as any couple.

Gwyneth Paltrow