The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap: Double the Cray!

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ABC's The Bachelorette is back, and with a big twist you've surely heard about: Kaitlyn Bristowe AND Britt Nilsson are doling out the roses this spring.

At least for the time being. The Bachelorette spoilers offer some interesting scoop on how this journey ends for both of the charismatic Bachelor beauties.

We'll let you read the spoilers for yourselves if you're into that sort of thing. For now, let's break down the Season 11 premiere in all its drunken glory!

The twist of two women competing for the coveted title role began when interviews with the male contestants suggested the dudes were torn between Britt and Kaitlyn.

This is America. Why choose one if you can have both???

Described as “the most controversial show in Bachelor history,” as every season is ... this season is a true game changer with two Bachelorettes.

Of course, there will be a winner and loser.  But before we can talk about Britt or Kaitlyn winning or losing, we have to talk about the men.

There were some serious winners, and some even more serious losers. Sure, opinions on these sorts of things are subjective, as always.

But come on, who couldn’t fall in love with Brady?

Brady is a musician from Nashville. Not only is he seriously fine, he seems to have a creative side that ladies love.  He said, “I’ve always had melodies inside of me.”

Ummmmm, that alone gives him major points.  Add his rock-ish looks and creative nature… Britt or Kaitlyn would be stupid to ignore him.

Then there is Ian, the Princeton track star who was hit by a car and left for dead. After his accident, doctors told him he would never run again.

But through physical therapy and determination, Ian now runs everyday. His determination will translate into his romantic life.  He is clearly capable of commitment.  

Of course, not everyone can be winning like Brady and Ian.  In fact, some of these dudes are pathetic.

For instance, Ryan M., the middle-aged frat boy, sucks.

Ryan got wasted drunk and started sh*t talking the other guys and even the girls.  He repeatedly said, “I’m all horned up.”  Uh, gross. 

He even sloppily said, “I would love to take her out for a nice steak dinner and never call her again.” Let’s skip the steak dinner and get straight to the never calling part.  Please.

When he asked a fellow male contestant, “Why am I not raping you right now,” he proved that he is a complete waste.  Rape jokes, insults, and threats are never okay.

Thankfully, he was kicked off the show.  But not before smacking Kaitlyn on the a**, taking off his clothes and getting in the pool, and calling both women hoes.

Other than a few douches, Kaitlyn and Britt have some decent choices.  

Probably.  I think…

I mean, I’ve met and gone on dates with more than 25 dudes, and I’ve hated them all.  Especially the 42-year-old chiropractor who lived with his mother and was upset that she wouldn’t let him put a pull-up bar in the house.  

But whatever.  This is about Kaitlyn's and Britt’s sh!tty dating lives.

For the most part, the men seemed to be pleasant while they briefly “dated” the ladies.  However, they were more likable during their initial introductions as they entered the mansion.

On the "dates," they were friendly but boring and often embarrassingly sappy.  When they initially introduced themselves though, they were clever (and often corny).  But they left the inauthentic charm out in the beginning.

For instance, one guy handed Kaitlyn a hockey puck and said, “I would love to puck you.” Charming?  No.  Funny? Yes.

I would take the hockey puck guy over the odd dentist that rolled up in a cupcake car making some ridiculously pathetic joke about dentistry and sweets.  And I would take anyone over Ryan M.

It was a relief to see that Kaitlyn and Britt were not in a cat fight with each other.  Too often shows portray women as competitors out for blood while lusting over men.

Of course, they both want the title role, but they seemed to be, for the most part, supportive of each other. Even Britt said, “This is a weird way to do this.” 

Kaitlyn and Britt were chosen for the show for obvious reasons.  They are both beautiful and charming.  But certainly they are not flawless.

For example, if Kaitlyn said she was nervous one more time…  After her 10,000th nervous exhalation, she explained how stressful the process is.  We get it.

It was like also difficult like to listen to Kaitlyn like when she like kept saying like all of the like time.  If we are going to watch two hours of this a night, we need someone who doesn’t say “like” all of the time.

Her humor plays in her favor though.

Kaitlyn Bristowe’s jokes are not particularly funny, but the attempt at humor humanizes her.

It adds a flavor to her character that makes her stand out amongst others.  She owns her space with her humor and forthcoming presence.  I can dig that for the rest of the season.

Britt Nilsson, meanwhile, seems to have the stereotypical qualities of a the girl next door. She is overly kind and sweet.  She is girlish and innocent.

Britt taps into the unrealistic version of women that our culture desires.

That alone will probably win her the role of The Bachelorette. But we have to wait to see who has the most roses in the ballot boxes.

Speaking of! The ballot box room is freaky.  It is eerily reminiscent to a funeral parlor. 

The little ballot boxes look much like mini-coffins.  And it really doesn’t help that there is a portrait of each lady over their respective mini-coffin-ballot-box.

Maybe it is appropriate.  Some say that a wedding is like a funeral where you smell your own flowers.  

And following the track record of the other Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, the bachelorette is likely to go to her own funeral before she marries the dude she meets on the show.

The episode left us just before host Chris Harrison announced who will be 2015’s bachelorette.

By the end of the episode, many of the contestants seemed torn.  A few even switched their choice after meeting both ladies.

Most likely, it will be a close race. And as sure as they sky is blue, there will be tears.

Find out tomorrow, once and for all, during the second installment of the season premiere, who will be the next Bachelorette this summer!

Oh, and six dudes will also be shown the door. Who do you want to stay on and who do you want to be rid of after just one episode?

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