Conscious Uncoupling: Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Even Break Up Like Elitist A$$holes

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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who shocked fans with their separation last night, say they are just consciously uncoupling ... whatever that means.

In a statement on Paltrow's website Goop (which crashed due to the onslaught of traffic), they jointly announced plans to "consciously uncouple."

"In many ways we are closer than we have ever been," they say, but have concluded that "while we love each other very much we will remain separate."

It all sounds very amiable ... but what is conscious uncoupling?

While Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are very free-spirited, it's difficult to take this statement seriously. You're divorcing. Stop trying to sugar coat it.

Paltrow shared a 2,000-word article by Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami that spells out what they're doing with their oh-so enlightened lives.

The report's sections: Until Death Do Us Part, End of the Honeymoon, Intimacy & Insects, Conscious Uncoupling, Wholeness in Separation and Coming Together.

"Divorce is a traumatic and difficult decision for all parties involved - and there's arguably no salve besides time to take that pain away," the spouses say.

"However, when the whole concept of marriage and divorce is reexamined, there's actually something far more powerful - and positive - at play."

According to Sadeghi and Sami, high divorce rates should be viewed in the context of our "skyrocketing life expectancy" and simple human nature.

They argue that social norms are contradictory with people's true needs, writing, "Our biology and psychology aren't set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades."

"The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone," they continue, which totally justifies it for Gywenth and Chris. PHEW.

Psychotherapist and author Katherine Woodward Thomas similarly specializes in "the art of completion" and turning a negative into a positive. Or something.

She describes a "conscious uncoupling" as "a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace."

Thomas claims that breakups should be seen as an opportunity, "a catalyst for making a breakthrough in the way you show up in your life ... and in your next relationship."

Mmm hmm. Thanks for opening our eyes to this, Gwyn and Chris. Really, what would we mortals do without your supreme relationship wisdom.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Biography

British Vogue Cover
Gwyneth Paltrow is an American actress. We are happy to report that her head has been reattached since the movie, Seven, and now she... More »
Full Name
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes

I've learned more about myself being married than anything else. I hate to say, "We've got it worked out," because you never know what's going to happen, but we laugh, we're good friends, we like to do the same stuff.

Gwyneth Paltrow

It's hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We're the same as any couple.

Gwyneth Paltrow