Amber Portwood: I F--king Hate Myself!!!

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Amber Portwood breaks down emotionally in her upcoming MTV special, Being Amber, about some of the past mistakes she's made. It's not a short list.

Amber Portwood and Leah Pic

Unlike former co-star Farrah Abraham, who will also be featured in an hour-long special, Being Farrah, on Sunday night, Amber is keenly self-aware.

Prison will do that. Following her release from the big house last November, the Teen Mom alum returned home to Indiana to be with her 5-year-old daughter.

Readjusting to life in the real world has not been easy, though, especially when the reality of how much time she missed with Leah starts to hit home.

"I feel so f--king bad," she says, sobbing. "I left her for so long...I know why she's acting the way she is. She's afraid that I'm gonna f--king leave her again."

"I just f---ing hate myself for everything I did," Amber Portwood continues tearfully. "It was all the drugs and s--t. It was all I did. All I did was get f--ked up."

Indeed, the 22-year-old Portwood confessed to Dr. Phil in December that she was high "every time" she appeared on camera on Teen Mom, or close to it.

The reality star even did drugs while in treatment for drug use, no less.

Drugs weren't the only thing she abused, as Gary Shirley found out.

After a lengthy list of legal troubles, Portwood saw jail as the best way to get clean. Many questioned that decision, but it looks she may have been right.

Rehab stints for her addiction to prescription pills proved unsuccessful, and in May 2012, she asked a judge to send her to prison for five years.

Now that she's out, Being Amber isn't easy, but it is sobering.

Listening to her reflect on life now, she sounds every bit like a young woman who knows how she failed but is trying to turn it around. Here's hoping she succeeds.

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Amber Portwood Biography

Amber and Leah (Teen Mom)
Amber Portwood is a star on MTV's Teen Mom. She is the mother of Leah Leann Shirley, whose father is Gary Shirley, Amber's on-off fiance... More »
Anderson, Indiana
Full Name
Amber Portwood