On an epic season finale, even by The Bachelor standards, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi decided to spend eternity together. Tears of joy flowed as he proposed.
Congrats, guys! We give it at least a couple of weeks!
Despite her best efforts, Tenley Molzahn could not compare to Vienna, a pariah all season long but a free spirit who has always had a vice grip on Jake’s heart.
Our traditional point-system recap of Monday night’s shocking events – and the most difficult decision Jake Pavelka will EVER have to make – appears below …
Jake reflects that Tenley seems so perfect but he has this “lightning-hot chemistry” with Vienna Girardi. Minus 4, because no one talks like this dolt. No one.
Tenley and Jake jump in the pool with all their clothes on. So totally unrehearsed and totally romantic! Plus 8. The rest of the family joins them. Minus 8.
Sallie, Jake’s mom, is not a fan of Vienna. Her weird sarcasm and lack of anything nice to say is really making it awkward. Funny how that works. Plus 2.
Jake thinks his fam’s opinion is because he set Vienna up to fail, telling them Vienna was not well-liked in the house. Dude, you are delusional. Minus 5.
Vienna and Jake make out and rub mud all over each other. Plus 17, because this belongs on Cinemax late night and took place on ABC at 8:40 EST.
On the boat, Jake worries he and Tenley have emotional chemistry but he feels no physical chemistry. Tenley sighs, “I feel it.” Ouch. Poor girl. Minus 10.
The best production assistant creation of the night goes to the photo collage Tenley “made” for Jake. Honorable mention? Vienna’s promise ring. Plus 9.
Shirtless Jake tries to look contemplative on the balcony. Neil Lane arrives and the network makes it look like Jake and Neil are BFFs somehow. Plus 17.
Tenley Molzahn is first to hear Jake’s decision. Kiss of death. Minus 250 for the wrong choice, and because she “appreciates his honesty.” Preposterous.
Vienna arrives and Jake gives back her promise ring, a total fake-out move before he proposes for real. Plus 125 for the writer who thought up that one.
On “After the Final Rose,” Jake calls Vienna, who is moving to Dallas with him, his “baby” and says they have “so much heat.” We’re creeped out. Minus 11.
Chris talks about what a “maverick” Jake is. Sarah Palin rolls in grave. Plus 7.
As predicted, the new star of The Bachelorette is Ali Fedotowsky! Plus 20.
Oh yeah, and Jake has actually been cast on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. Is this a great addition to reality competition? Or a case of ABC forever giving up the farce that The Bachelor is about finding love and not ratings? Eh, we love it. Plus 100.
TOTAL: +17. SEASON: +26.
Will Jake and Vienna last?