The Hollywood Gossip staff is excited to bring back our Tale of the Tape, the Internet sensation in which we break down various matchups within the celebrity gossip world.
This week, our editors had no choice but to pit a pair of newborns against one another. We hope Mason Dash Disick and Hank Baskett IV live long, happy, fruitful lives; but it's not clear if this is possible.
That's what happens when your respective parents - Kendra Wilkinson and Kourtney Kardashian - seem to care more about publicity than child-rearing.
We've already asked readers which of these kids is worse off, but we're here now to examine each child's prospects in closer detail. Who will prevail in this grueling battle? Let's find out. Ding, ding!
1. FATHER IS...
Hank IV: A back-up wide receiver on the Colts.
Mason: A jobless jackass.
2. MOTHER IS...
Hank IV: An E! reality star.
Mason: An E! reality star.
3. NAMED AFTER...
Hank IV: Dad, grandpa and great-grandpa.
Mason: Some crappy clothing boutique.
4. CREEPY, OLD MAN INFLUENCE
Hank IV: Hugh Hefner.
Mason: Bruce Jenner.
5. AUNTS AND AUNT-LIKE FIGURES
Hank IV: Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison.
Mason: Kim and Khloe Kardashian.
6. HEADLINES THG HOPES TO WRITE IN 2025
Hank IV: Baskett Catch: Kendra's Son Named High-School All-American
Mason: Mason Dashes to Emancipate Self From Insane Family
7. TIMES MOTHER SPILLED SOMETHING ON HER LEG AND MISTAKENLY THOUGHT HER WATER BROKE
Hank IV: Zero.
8. NUMBER OF FAMILY SEX TAPES
Hank IV: Zero.
9. NUMBER OF SHAMELESSLY SELF-PROMOTING PREGNANCY ARTICLES ON THG
Hank IV: Nine.
10. MOST CLOSELY RELATED FOOTBALL PLAYER
Hank IV: Peyton Manning.
Mason: Reggie Bush.
THE VERDICT: Sorry, Mason Dash. Based on these influential categories, you might be heading down a Jayden James-like path, as Hank IV crawls tall with a 7-2-1 record. At least you can find inspiration in the upcoming CW series Life Unexpected and try to emancipate yourself.