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Before we begin this week's recap of The Hills, let us just reiterate a few points:

  • Don't you just love Whitney?
  • Don't you want to beat the ever-loving snot out of that disgusting ass clown Spencer, possibly with a baseball bat, then kick him in the ribs repeatedly as he writhes in pain on the ground?

Okay. Sorry. We had to get that off our collective chest.

Furry Friend

As Whitney Port, who plays a larger-than-usual role in this episode, gets ready to graduate from college, she ponders her future in the fashion biz. Whitney asks her boss, Lisa Love, if there are any opportunities at Teen Vogue, and whether she'd be considered.

Lisa tells her there is a position (the nebulous "Fashion Contributor") that is going to be opening up at Teen Vogue, but some other interns have similar qualifications as Whit and will be interviewing for it too.

Meanwhile, Lauren Conrad and Whitney work with that, like, kinda bitchy New York all-star intern, Emily, on a Good Morning America Oscar piece. A Vogue big shot is at the studio with the girls, and picks Whitney out of the crowd to, like, model one of the dresses!

Emily stews as the head honcho vows to put old girl Whitney Port on TV in one of Hilary Swank's Oscar dresses. OMFG!

But the meaning of the episode title, "Everybody Falls," hits home on the day of the shoot when Whitney tumbles down the steps on live TV. It was mortifying. That snarky little b!tch Emily even smirked at Whit's mishap.

After the taping, Lauren (in a cute role reversal) does her best to comfort her friend, who is understandably devastated by the mistake.

All is well the next day, however, as Lisa gives Whitney great praise for handling the incident with class and grace under fire. Lisa wishes to send her - with a high recommendation - to NYC to interview for the Teen Vogue position opening up.

Audrina Patridge is nowhere to be found, and even LC is hardly featured in this episode. Mainly it's Whitney and Heidi and Spencer - who bicker, once again, over moving in together.

Heidi says there is a trust factor between them, to which Spencer pretends to be shocked. Spencer and Heidi argue about her intentions and puts the pressure on. To make a long story short, this stuck up prick gives her an ultimatum to move in with him or let him slut around with the rest of L.A.

When a distraught Heidi gives that slimy Spencer Pratt her final "no" on moving in, and he throws her out of his car. The conversation went like this:

Spencer Pratt: "You need to tell me your final answer."
Heidi Montag: "Well, like, my answer is no."
Spencer Pratt: "Fine, then my answer is get the hell out of my car."

But don't start crying for Heidi Montag (or celebrating the departure of Spencer) just yet. The previews for next week's season finale show Heidi pulling away in, like, a moving truck and looking back at a tearful LC.

Way to stick to your guns, babe. And on a side note, does anyone else think it's weird that The Hills gives away everything in its previews? Some shows tease you a little, but you basically know what's going on from the second you catch scenes from the next episode. Weird!

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Not from the simple, yet sage words of Lauren Conrad:

  • "I think if a guy after a few months asked if I wanted to move in with him, I'd be like, Whoa." - to Heidi
  • "A good roommate is like a good pair of jeans â€" you hold on to them no matter what." - to Heidi
  • "If you do a really shady thing, be like, 'I was shady.'" - to Jen
  • "You were evil and conniving. It wasn't all Brody; it was you." - to Jen

All these quotes and more stemmed from the drama on last night's episode of The Hills, which featured Lauren's coming of age - and not just because she celebrated her 21st birthday party at Hyde.

Gnarly Heidi Montag

Finally, America's sweetheart is learning to stand up for herself, ladies and gentlemen.

The episode begins with Lauren and Heidi at the homestead. After a brief moment of tension during their discussion of Heidi possibly moving in with that douchebag Spencer Pratt, the estranged BFFs seemed cool again (thus the jeans comment).

And she's right. Who isn't happy to have Heidi Montag back on Team LC! Even better that Heidi was clearly getting along with Audrina Patridge as well, conspiring to plan Lauren's surprise party.

What wasn't all good was Heidi's relationship with Jen, who had the nerve to show up at Heidi's workplace to talk about her fight with Lauren!

Jen, apparently, is, like, best friends with Lauren. So she says. Which is why you hooked up with Brody Jenner behind LC's back, right? Bitch! Still, Jen laments: "I haven't talked to my best friend of 15 years for, like, what? For, like, sloppy thirds?"

Before telling her she had to get back to work, Heidi took the high road and said that she wasn't getting involved and this spat is between Jen and Lauren.

Later, Heidi throws Lauren off the party trail by faking like she was canceling on Lauren for Spencer for the 245th time. Wow, talk about a realistic lie! Lauren Conrad looked like she was about to cry, which was sad, but she was cool with it when everyone surprised her at Hyde.

It was weird, though, with Brody Jenner being back on the scene. And, OMG, going straight to asking about Jen. The guy may be hunky but he has some kind of nerve. It was nice, we think, that he apologized, even though Lauren insisted it wasn't his fault, when it, like, kind of was.

SIDE NOTE: Can you believe when Whitney Port told Lauren at work that she dated Brody once? Has this guy dated every cute girl in Southern California - and how does this not come up at Teen Vogue HQ until right now?

SIDE NOTE #2: What's funnier - the fact that Lauren Conrad is now 21, but has been going to these hot clubs for some time now, or the fact The Hills gals have become big enough stars that we knew about LC's 21st birthday party when it happened six weeks ago?

Anyway, back to reality. When Jen showed up at Lauren's place to apologize (and we use that term loosely), Lauren wasn't having any of it.

"You put yourself in this situation, she said before showing Jen the door.

If only she'd treat the guys in her life with the same determination. At least the legal system isn't as forgiving to Jason Wahler, right?

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Note to Spencer Pratt: If we ever see you at Hyde, we might just have to beat the living crap out of you. Which shouldn't be that hard. So consider yourself warned.

This is not because The Hollywood Gossip is out to get people or enjoys violent conflict. It's simply because Spencer Pratt fills us with blinding, unrelenting rage. Basically, watching him on The Hills makes us want to channel our inner Jason Wahler and go postal.

Laker Love

It was probably during last night's clothing-store scene â€" when Spencer was asking Heidi Montag to move in with him while constantly pawing at her â€" that we realized how bad this guy needs a boot to the f*%king skull.

Of course, as Entertainment Weekly wryly notes, the way he so selflessly dedicates himself to being creepily manipulative for our viewing pleasure is nothing short of miraculous.

Taking a break from Spencer for a second, the gang starts off the episode gearing up for the best New Year's Eve ever. We're also informed that the lovely Whitney Port, LC's fellow intern, is also a decent softball player.

Seriously, she can really drive the ball!

In addition to planning a hot NYE at the nightclub Area, everyone was also acting determined to make amends after the great Heidi-Lauren rift.

"I feel like, 2006 was a hard year on our friendship, and I want to spend New Year's with her," Heidi tells Spencer.

On the big night, he kept repeating how much he despised her friends and the fact that she "chooses them" over him. As if a girl can't have both a boyfriend as well as female friends. That'd just be too f*%ked up.

So it goes in the mind of Spencer Pratt, however. Why is Brody Jenner even friends with this tool again? At dinner, before they met up with the group at Area, Spencer told Heidi:

"I don't even want to go to the club. I just want to take you home right now. But you have another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad."

Blinding, unfocused and unrelenting rage
.

Things were much cheerier on Lauren's side, thankfully, where her big plan for self-improvement in 2007 was to take kickboxing with Audrina Patridge.

Hey, every girl's gotta have a New Year's resolution. Lauren's pal from Laguna Beach, Lo, also paid a nice visit. Moreover, Lauren met a pal of a pal of Audrina's (vacationing from Colorado) who she could smooch on New Year's, too!

We've loving Lauren's newfound interest in regular guys, by the way. Maybe it's just that Heidi dates Spencer. But it shows LC's not as superficial as may of her peers.

Heidi, meanwhile, seemed intent on her underlying goal to destroy her friendship with Lauren (or what's left of it) by blabbing to Lo about Spencer suggesting they move in together - without mentioning it to her roomie. WTF!

Then, taking a page str8 outta Spencer's playbook, she got all pensive and pouty at midnight when no one, like, was paying attention to her. Absolutely classic Heidi.

Days later, Spencer was still at it.

"I've been thinking a lot," he told Heidi. "I think it's really rude that you've chosen Lauren over me."

And our blood pressure keeps on rising.

NEXT WEEK: The return of Brody Jenner (amazing how he keeps turning up) as well as that girl Jen. Plus, Lauren Conrad's big 21st birthday!

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As another enthralling episode of The Hills began last night, Whitney and Lauren were scheduled to work on a major photo shoot at Teen Vogue.

But Whitney Port, bless her heart, is "just soooo over it."

Heidi's Dance Moves

She's tired of being someone's intern - some of us here at the Hollywood Gossip feel the same way - and wants more out of this roller coaster ride they call life. Some of us (cough, Brody Jenner) are content with boring lives. Not Whitney!

But it's not abject misery at Teen Vogue yet. Whitney's sister, Jade, gets a totally awesome opportunity to be a part of a "real kids" photo spread for Teen Vogue, while Whitney works the shoot. Which is cool, except for the bitch photo editor, who is, like, a stickler for detail.

Needless to say, our girls do some serious eye-rolling.

Lauren's estranged BFF, Heidi Montag goes to Santa Barbara with her loser man, Spencer, for the weekend, leaving LC to sit and stew at the West Hollywood Villas.

The two make a plan to have a Heidi and Lauren alone night on Monday, after Heidi gets back from the weekend. Then things get real interesting when Audrina Patridge asks LC if she can set her up with her guy's roommate - and Lauren actually agrees!

When Audrina goes a step further and asks Lauren Conrad about Brody, Lauren makes a face like she's totally done with him. Yessssss. The man is hunky, no doubt - but after that crap he pulled last week, Lauren should have kicked Brody to the curb and we're glad she did.

The night of the exciting double date comes and Lauren's guy is, like a hockey player and he's soooo cute. In a very weird way, he reminds us of Jason Wahler. Only nicer. And not getting arrested every time we turn around.

Anyway. The girls have such a nice time and Lauren seems really happy for the first time in like, forever.

Up in Santa Barbara, Spencer Pratt and Heidi stroll along the beach and make all million viewers of the show simultaneously nauseous. They decide to stay another day, but Heidi calls LC and makes plans to meet at the apartment for dinner.

Audrina calls Lauren and asks if she wants to meet the guys for sushi, but Lauren turns her down for Heidi. Which is totally nice. But then Lauren gets home... and finds a note from Heidi saying she went to the movies with Spencer.

Oh. Snap. That girl has some kind of f*%king nerve.

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The Hollywood Gossip is torn.

As LC would say, "We're, like, so torn."

The Plastic Pairing

Or, as Heidi Montag might put it, "torn, torn, torn!"

Apparently that's H-Mont's new thing on The Hills now: to repeat every point she has two to three times. But anyway. While Brody Jenner has been turning on the charm around Lauren, and they've maybe, kinda like hooked up, he's not her boyfriend, okay?! How many times can she say it?

That said, we're not sure she should be allowed to spend a whole episode getting territorial about him when Jen came to town for her birthday and moved in on him. On the other hand, if we spend just 10 minutes crushing someone here at T.H. Gossip and another staff member knows it, we expect them to back the g*d damn hell off.

Which I guess means we are coming down on Lauren's side, like, at least a little.

But let us go on the record stating that either way, Lauren is sooooo better off without Brody Jenner! We all know he's just out to date every celebrity he can so he can get famous.

The feud between Lauren and Heidi all began when Heidi, still hurting from a prior rift with LC over the latter's (justified) Spencer-hating, began joining Spencer's evil scheme to get Jen and Brody to totally hook up!

Wow. This demonstrates the lengths Spencer Pratt is willing to go to piss Lauren Conrad off. But really, as with so many of these things, it's much better in Heidi's words, uttered during a key ladies' room conference with Jen: "Loves you, loves you, loves you," she said of the incomparable Brody J.

Lauren, bless her heart, seemed to take a low-key approach in her passive-aggressive attack on Heidi. All she came up with was being BFF-ish with Audrina Patridge - so much so that we seriously thought there'd be some hot girl-on-girl action. For a second.

Just kidding. Not really.

But Heidi Montag, being Heidi Montag, after all, didn't even notice, since she was so busy pushing Jen on top of Brody. Eventually, the crew â€" Heidi, Jen, Brody, and Spencer â€" decided to retire to Brody's condo for the final sealing of the deal, if you will. And Jen will.

We loved the extra touch - just twist that knife in real deep, girl - of Jen phoning LC from the scene of the crime to ask Lauren's permission to go in for the kill. We are, like, officially siding with our girl LC in this feud now, FYI.

"Is it really worth screwing a friend over for Brody?" the adorable Whitney Port asked the next day upon hearing the story.

She meant it rhetorically, we're assuming, but the Gossip will go ahead and answer just the same: "No."

Later, while Lauren steamed clothes at Teen Vogue with Whitney (finally, a truly intern-worthy duty), she got a call from Jen - and the exchanged the followed proves that the newly empowered, assertive Lauren was here to stay.

"Seriously, Jen, don't be at my apartment when I get home," Lauren barked before hanging up.

Oh snap! If only she had given that treatment to Jason Wahler last season (she got it right in the end, though). Later, at home, she gave it good to Heidi, too.

"I don't feel like you're the friend you used to be," she said. "Spencer has you frickin' brainwashed; it's so sad to see. He's a sucky person."

This is why you're our hero, Lauren Conrad. Rock on, girl.

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We're like, totally over Spencer.

So is Lauren Conrad, whether or not he bought her a dozen roses.

Heidi Montag Nude

Speaking of those flowers, whose intended recipient was in such question, which is sketchier: that Spencer would randomly bring them for Heidi on a lunch date, or that he would bring them for her to give to Lauren to make peace? Entertainment Weekly poses this very valid question.

So while the rift between Lauren and Heidi widened on last night's all-new episode of The Hills, Lauren was hanging with recent Heidi nemesis Audrina Patridge, dissecting the Spencer sitch and eating leftovers.

"Are we eating at the table?" Lauren mused. "Look at us adults."

She then analyzed the relationship between Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag for the 800th time, and predicted (shockingly) that it won't end well.

"I just have the feeling that it's going to be really bad," LC said.

For our part, we seriously can't wait until we can stop talking about that jackass Spencer. Seriously. I mean, even poor, innocent Whitney Port could speak of nothing else during our obligatory Teen Vogue office scene.

The only thing worse? Actually listening to Spencer himself talk. This is a guy who we just learned concocted a scheme in which Brody Jenner would rise to fame by making Nicole Richie eat. We're serious.

Nevertheless, the cameras are fixated on Spencer as he's macking on some more girls. That is, before Lauren Conrad stepped in and had it out with him.

"Heidi gets me and she knows who I am," Spencer shot back.

Take that, LC! Who knows why Heidi comes back for more of his crap, really. But this is The Hills. And incidentally, Lauren - America's Sweetheart - really came into her own sticking up for her friend like that, even if Heidi didn't ask for any sticking up for. Or something.

We're oddly proud of Brody Jenner as well, and not just because he's made it his life's goal to date every reality show star in California. The way he was able to stop trying to get Lauren into bed long enough to defend his friend, creep though he may be, was admirable.

"Of course he was a little bit wrong" Hollywood's most eligible bachelor said of Spencer, "But maybe he feels a little threatened by you."

Then it was back to those pretty, confusion-inducing roses for a few final plot twists. To recap, Spencer shows up with the roses at lunch; then Heidi tosses them to Lauren at home and implies he'd bought them to make amends. Now Spencer blabs to Brody, "Lauren thinks I got her a dozen roses, but it's like, 'Yeah, right, I'm not spending a dollar on you.'"

Then, during the climactic blow-up between Lauren and Heidi at home, Lauren was wondering, "Why would he buy me flowers?" Heidi finally cleared it all up: "I said it like a joke." Ooooh, good one. Apparenly Lauren wasn't so amused either, as this (weirdly) seemed to be the final straw that sent her stomping into her room and slamming the door.

What's to become of the LC-Heidi rift? Is Spencer out of the picture for good? We doubt we'll be that lucky. But here's hoping. Loser.

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In the beginning of last night's episode of The Hills, it's another day at the office for our girl LC at the cutthroat sweatshop otherwise known as Teen Vogue.

As she and her friend and fellow intern, Whitney Port, prepare for the arrival of a New York intern for help in preparing for an event, the mood is normal.

Assault Weapons Ban

But when the New York intern, Emily, arrives, she is scarily efficient, rattling off a bunch of tasks for Lauren and Whitney first thing in the morning.

And it's, like, soooo obvious Lauren Conrad has not had her coffee yet.

The interns go flower shopping for the dinner they are planning and Emily is, of course, a floral whiz. Annoying! At the dinner, Miss Super Intern gets to stay and eat with the royalty, while Whitney and Lauren are unceremoniously "excused." Drama!

We don't see too much of Audrina Patridge this week, but that's not always a bad thing. Same with Brody Jenner. Things do seem to be cooling off between Audrina and Heidi. Somewhat.

Elsewhere, The Hills' line of the night definitely goes to Spencer:

"I'm not a liar."

Yes, he said this to Heidi, apparently unaware that he is being filmed the whole time. What does the guy not understand? They are going to watch The Hills at some point, dog. Haven't you learned anything from Laguna Beach?

Regardless, Spencer does some more fast talking about his night with the Playmates, but Heidi says she needs time away from the chump. And really, it's about g*d damn time.

Later, Heidi Montag, along with Lauren and Jen, celebrate their singleness with a love-bashing dinner. Our favorite part is when Lauren said the only time she misses having a boyfriend is when she "has to pick out something like a T.V. or when she has a lot of groceries."

Awesome.

But possibly short-lived. Cut to the next scene where Miss Heidi is telling a co-worker that she really misses Spence. Even her co-worker is giving her the "you're insane" eyes, but Heidi still wants to give him another shot. She gets all dressed up, looking super hot, and meets up with him. Come on, Heidi.

Whitney Port Biography

Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port in Teen Vogue Lauren Conrad's good friend on The Hills, Whitney Port is there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or offer sage advice.... More »
Born
Birthplace
Los Angeles, California
Full Name
Whitney Eve Port

Whitney Port Quotes

I feel like lately, or at least since I've known you, it's been really difficult with friends, like you've had a lot of problems with friends.

Whitney Port [to Lauren Conrad]

Guys need to realize that they need to wait awhile and that they shouldn't be so desperate.

Whitney Port
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