If you believe everything you read on the Internet, which The Gossip (by definition) pretty much as to, you'd know Hollywood's biggest star has been keeping his new baby daughter, Suri Cruise, under wraps because she's an alien, or may not even exist.
Baby Suri, not even four months old, is attracting the kind of snarky comments and speculation usually reserved for celebrities like Tori Spelling.
According to Australia's Herald-Sun and numerous other sources, there are even rumours that the young one's birth certificate is a fake and some of the celebrity friends who claim to have seen the baby are a bunch of damn liars.
That Suri hasn't yet been seen in photo form is just too much for celeb gossipites to bear! In response, Tom Cruise and rough looking fiancee Katie Holmes, the mother of Suri, if Suri is in fact real, have been forced to issue statements saying they won't be pressured into showing their offspring to the public before they're ready.
It's a sign of the ubiquity of celebrity fame. No topic is off-limits. No part of the personal is private. Thank God!
We're all on a first-name basis and follow everyone's lives, thighs, and highs. Yes, celebs are hotter than ever, with a new magazine, Famous, now on newsstands. In the latest issue, we can read about how Nicole Richie is starving and lonely, while Jennifer picked the wrong guy (again) and how Lindsay's life is ruined.
Again, Thank God!
But there's a nasty whiff of hypocrisy in Cruise and Holmes's response to the clamor of the media for baby pictures. Celebrities selling themselves and their families one minute then pleading for privacy the next seems a tad ridiculous, especially for TomKat, whose entire relationship has been acted out in glare of the spotlight.
After all that couch jumping, etc., it's no wonder people want the next episode of the TomKat soap opera and they want it now.
It's not just TomKat, to be fair. Britney Spears is pleading for people to remember she's a "real" person one minute, then making a TV show about her life the next. The worthless Ashlee Simpson is also finding out that the public will tolerate 1980s hair-dos and intolerably bad singing, but not hypocrisy.
The implausibly thin sister of the implausibly voluptuous Jessica Simpson appeared on the cover of Marie Claire claiming ordinary women should love their own bodies. This from a girl who's had a nose job and God knows how many additional plastic surgery procedures. And since when does a singer who was exposed as a lip-syncher on SNL get to tell anyone what to do. Skank.
We aren't perfect, of course, and don't expect our celebrities to be that way either. We like them better when they're a little tarnished, even. As Mel Gibson and countless others have shown, the standards of behavior we expect from many public figures is very high. You put yourself out there, now deal with it, for better or worse.
In other (possibly true) Cruise news, the Daily Star reports that Tom has extended an invitation to David and Victoria Beckham (a.k.a. Posh and Becks) to view Suri, but only under certain conditions. Seriously, this cannot get any weirder.
Cruise reportedly says that the couple, who are longing for a baby girl themselves, must not pick the baby up, take her picture or coo over her.
"David and Victoria are honoured that Tom and Katie have asked them along," a source tells the Daily Star. "However, they were a little shocked at the list of rules they'll have to follow. It will be difficult for Victoria, because she just loves babies and is trying for a daughter with David at the moment."
Cruise, as we all know, is a devout follower of Scientology, which does not allow cooing over babies as it may effect their development. Scientology's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, warned against exposing young children to noise and alleged that a child could become mentally unstable if exposed to too much attention.
Tom and Katie befriended the Beckhams at a football match last year. The former Spice Girl, who has three sons with soccer star David, reportedly gave Katie advice while she was pregnant. David and Victoria are planning to take a mini Real Madrid jersey for the baby. What a waste of money!