by Hilton Hater at . Comments

It was a big weekend for Tila Tequila.

The professional Tweeter flew to Australia, performed the most ironic song possible in front of fans ("Like a Virgin"), got engaged, planned a move to Texas and got beat up.

Attention Grabber

Shockingly, one of those statements is actually true. The rest simply comprise Tila's latest social networking postings. Read, enjoy and shake your head over them below...

  • I promised to "LAY LOW" for a while because I will no longer be "TILA NGUYEN".....very soon... I shall be A "MRS" ...... TO be continued...
  • YES IM STILL PREGNANT! YES I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY THE FATHER OF MY CHILD! YES I AM STILL TRYING TO ADOPT A BABY FROM RUSSIA! THERE! NITE!
  • PS-YES I AM INDEED CRAZY! Crazy about life and crazy about my future husband and our lil one. <3 Sweet dreams everyone! muah!
  • When I get back from tour, he & I are getting tatoo's 2gether, then I keep doing my job, but once belly starts getting big, Im movin 2 Texas
  • And since when was it ok to beat up on a pregnant woman? I got beat up recently, kept my dignity and God set me free. Im a lucky woman.

Last week, Tequila announced her retirement. We shudder to think how frequently she'd invent stories on Twitter if she were still active.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

According to Tila Tequila, her and God are, like, total BFF.

The professional Tweeter has posted a series of messages on her social networking site, each one giving thanks to The Man Upstairs for the role He apparently played in her lawsuit settlement with former sex partner Shawne Merriman, along with His influence on her imaginary adoption.

Scarcely Clothed

As always, no jokes or one-liners can even do justice to Tila's Tweets. So take it away Crazy Pants...

  • OMG I have such happy news!!!!!!!! All I can say is "The Truth Shall Set YOU FREE" Amen to my best friend GOD! My lord savior! My everything.
  • All I have 2 say is I been through so much! All painful things, but I remain graceful and take it all in with a grain of salt! I never lie!
  • So in the end, I'm always so fierce because the one thing I have that other people don't have, is the Truth about my life! God is great!!!!!
  • I just want to say that I'm madly in love with my baby daddy cuz he's madly in love with me too!! A wedding on the way???

We're mere celebrity gossip bloggers. We don't pretend to have inside information on what God is up to.

But, come on. There's no way He's been there for Tila. The woman is insane, and He has far more important things to do, like be exploited by Sarah Palin at highly-paid speaking engagements around the country.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Next thing you know, Heidi Montag will say her breasts are fake and Jon Gosselin will admit he cares more about attention than his children...

In a development only anyone with a pulse could have seen coming, Tila Tequila has insinuated that she's having a miscarriage.

THG predicted the demise of her fake child in late January, as we asked readers to name the date on which the troubled bisexual would start to Tweet about losing her "baby." Who had February 15 in their office pool?

Earlier today, Tila left multiple messages that implied she was on the verge of suicide due to miscarrying her fetus. Neither of these events are joking matters, but this is Tila Tequila. Nothing is off limits if it extends your 15 minutes in the spotlight another second or two...

Miscarriage Tweet

** UPDATE: Tila will not be killing herself. The reason?

She has "been APPROVED to adopt my own baby boy 2-3 years old from RUSSIA!!! I will be his Mommy by the end of the year!!"

If this were remotely true, we'd make some joke about it being the worst Russian idea since Communism. Instead, we'll ask readers to start a new pool: When will this adoption "fall through" for Tila?

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

We hope you're sitting down for this.

You best not be operating any heavy machinery when you hear the news.

Seriously, this is more stunning than Chris Harrison's announcement that The Bachelor will have a shocking conclusion. Are you ready for it?

Tila Tequila is not pregnant. We'll give you a few moments to digest this startling revelation...

Buried in a series of Twitter messages late last week, Tila wrote the following:

New Tila Tweet

Today, of course, she made another reference to her "baby daddy" in a post. This woman is so bat $hit crazy confusing!

Even if Tequila is (gasp!) not actually knocked up, she's still threating the universe with a child. She Tweeted last night:

Im in the process of adopting a baby from Kazakhstan, just like Casey's Daughter. That's all she wanted so Im adopting a child there. xoxo.

Whatever. We're just glad Tila didn't die over the weekend. Our life would be so much less funny (although so much more truthful) if she had.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

The fake pregnancy chatter is dying down.

The abortion threats didn't net that many headlines.

That stalker story only lasted for a day.

So, what is an attention-starved, talentless celebrity such as Tila Tequila to do next? Pretend like she's on the verge of death, of course.

The former Penthouse pin-up bumped her head yesterday. It was so serious that she had time to Tweet non-stop about what it could actually result in. To wit:

Tila Tequila Twitter

Tila was released from the hospital and returned home last night. She hasn't posted a Twitter message in hours.

Maybe this really is serious! (Editor's note: it's not.)

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Tila Tequila hasn't just returned to Twitter, folks.

She's also returned to men!

On the day after she re-opened her social networking account, the mentally unbalanced liar didn't disappoint those that follow her Tweets just to laugh at what nonsense she'll spew next. The latest?

Tequila is sleeping with her baby daddy... who she might be falling for... yet who is "NOT ALLOWED to tell anyone who he is" because he signed a non-disclosure agreement... yet who she previously claimed was The Game and adamently insisted she would out in nine months after he denied the charge.

Major Phony

Makes perfect sense, right? In Tila's attention-hungry world, absolutely. Relive her most entertaining Tweets over the last few hours below:

  • Anyway, even tho I'm already preggers, It's time for more baby making time tonight! Oh boy! I can't wait! Been a while!!!!!!! LMAO! shhh!
  • My baby daddy, is here eating all of Mommy and baby's food!!!! Ol lazy assss! LOL
  • MY BD just left....we have a funny joke. I'm like "JUST CUZ U MY BABBY DADDY DONT MAKE U MY BOO!" lol
  • I think my babby daddy is falling in love with me.....I told him that he bet not do that cuz I dont wana hurt him....
  • But Imma tell u a little secret, I'm falling for my babby daddy too! DUM! DUM! DUM! DUM! And the Saga continues...it aint spose 2 b this way
  • and YES Im still a lesbian but, I give my baby daddy that exception. I want to love the father of my child at least so the baby is loved too
  • Any men out there who would like to be my next baby daddy?? This is quite addicting!

You heard her, guys. Tila is already on the prowl for the next man to knock her up. We'd tell you to make a run for it, but there's no need to worry: she's not actually pregnant.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

We don't give Miley Cyrus credit often, but we can say this about the 17-year old: she deleted her Twitter account and never looked back.

She's also not clinically insane.

The same can't be said about Tila Tequila, who claimed to have quit the social networking service on Monday (because it's the "MOST HATEFUL, DEVIL WORSHIPPERS, RACIST, AND VIOLENT COMMUNITY THAT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED"), only to fire it back up today.

She wrote:

"Damn Twitter was f***ing BORING without me huh? I would be bored as hell if I were U and I wasn't on twitter anymore! hahhaha jk xox."

That sure is a funny joke. Almost as funny as lying about a pregnancy.

Tila Tweet

That 1 day has arrived... God help us all.

Because Tila is committed to a mental asylum in the near future, we can only hope to her followers, she continued to Tweet about her return:

"Did ya;ll miss me?? I see all the OG's here! YAY! No more filthy haters and Media peeps following! So many famew****s on my tail & would do ANYTHING to get fame by name dropping me! LOSERS!"

Well, she asked. Now it's time to answer: Are you glad Tequila is back on Twitter? Did you miss her?

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Over the past few weeks, Tila Tequila has feuded with Casey Johnson's family, friends and ex-lovers.

She's seemingly used the death of her fiancee as a means toward promoting her record label, celebrity gossip blog and Twitter account.

Having sat back and watched the talentless model exploit Casey's death and act like a self-centered fool, Kelly Osbourne has finally had enough. She's alerted the world to her take on Tequila: girl is a total fart!

Indeed, matching ridiculous, immature Tweet for ridiculous, immature Tweet, Osbourne posted the following over the weekend:

Kelly Tweet

Snaps, yo!

Not one to just lie down (except for Shawne Merriman, Courtenay Semel and anyone that will get her in the news) when faced with a publicity op, Tila fired back at the former Dancing with the Stars contestant.

In the space of a few minutes, Tequila bashed Osbourne's teeth, ankles and need for a large tampon. It's brutal stuff:

Tila vs. Kelly

A Twitter war is not her style, Tila says? That's like a supermarket tabloid saying it hates to invent rumors about Brangelina.

Consider the two sides carefully, readers, and then decide: Are you on Team Kelly or Team Tila?

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Breaking, almost definitely made-up news: Tila Tequila is pregnant!

In her latest stream of Tweets - which follow last night's God-based barrage - Tila claims she is taking the high road; that haters are pissing off the Almighty; and hints strongly that she has a bun in her warped oven.

Like Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin, the most damning, hilarious evidence of Tequila's publicity-inspired madness is simply to list her Twitter messages word-for-word. Shake your head over them (listed from latest to oldest, all within an hour) below...

  • Thank u everyone for your kind words. I am off to bedrest again now. I have let go of all anger inside of me. It feels so good! TTYL! xoxo
  • My Wife has passed away and all I have left is the baby. I wish mean people can just respect the dead and respect a new life growing inside!
  • The doctor i visited says that all this stress and negative people around me getting me upset, can affect the baby in a bad way. Pls stop.
  • Yes I promised myself and my wifey that we WILL NOT discuss anymore thing about this. SO with that said. I have AMAZING NEWS 2 SHARE W/U!!!
Tila Tweets
  • I just want to go back to the way things were. Let me mourn my wife in private. I want to talk about the FUN things that I wanted 2 tell u!
  • As for me, I am so tired. I have no energy to defend my wife anymore. I faint, Im tired & this is not good for my baby. Leave us alone pleas
  • & for the haters. Please stop. Enough with this vile vindictive behavior. Respect my Wife please. She is dead. Let her rest in peace please!
  • My only wish is 4 all the negative people to leave me alone please. I dnt want to talk to media, I dnt want 2 deal w/haters. Leave me alone.
  • I love my wife and will always forever. I'm not doing a press tour like those other people "AHEM" we know who they are. Gross! Whatever.
  • Those disgusting people who talk shit about my wife are upsetting God right now, and that is who she's with. I'm taking the high road now.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Over the weekend, when asked by E! News about Casey Johnson's funeral, Tila Tequila (shockingly) made the event all about herself. She said:

"I don't want to talk about the funeral. I wasn't allowed to go and I am so upset. I can't sleep and I am on suicide watch."

Fortunately, it sounds as though the attention-starved blogger is no longer in danger of slitting her wrists. She's moved on, as evidenced by a series of Tweets she posted last night.

Unusually Serious

We really can't do her apology to God, nor her vow to be happy in honor of Johnson, justice. So we'll let Tequila take it from here...

  • 1st I would like to Apologize to GOD for feeling vindictive. It's tough right now, but I'm better than that. So I apologize God. Never again
  • Wow I feel A LOT better now! No point in wasting negative energy on negative people. It gets you NOWHERE!
  • So tired of drama. YOU GUYS READY FOR THE "OLD" TILA BACK??? Cuz I'm back & I love POSITIVE THINGS!
  • Ok I LOVEEEEEE feeling this happy again! YAYY I MISSED FEELING THIS WAY SOOOOO MUCH! WEEEE! Can u give me 3 more minutes 2 enjoy this? hehe
  • Umm excuse me to the happy cockblockers! My Wifey would NOT want to constantly see me sad. She wants to see me HAPPY! So now I will do that!
  • Naw I've had a very long long past few weeks. Me tired. Me going to sleep now. Good news tomorrow ok? me go bye bye zzzzzz is that mean? lol

We're glad Tila is feeling better, but bummed this may mean the end to her Twitter war with Perez Hilton.

Below, watch a hilarious video that recounts how these two losers have been at public odds with one another.

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