Tila Tequila

It was a big weekend for Tila Tequila.

The professional Tweeter flew to Australia, performed the most ironic song possible in front of fans ("Like a Virgin"), got engaged, planned a move to Texas and got beat up.

Shockingly, one of those statements is actually true. The rest simply comprise Tila's latest social networking postings. Read, enjoy and shake your head over them below...

• I promised to "LAY LOW" for a while because I will no longer be "TILA NGUYEN".....very soon... I shall be A "MRS" ...... TO be continued...
• YES IM STILL PREGNANT! YES I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY THE FATHER OF MY CHILD! YES I AM STILL TRYING TO ADOPT A BABY FROM RUSSIA! THERE! NITE!
• PS-YES I AM INDEED CRAZY! Crazy about life and crazy about my future husband and our lil one. <3 Sweet dreams everyone! muah!
• When I get back from tour, he & I are getting tatoo's 2gether, then I keep doing my job, but once belly starts getting big, Im movin 2 Texas
• And since when was it ok to beat up on a pregnant woman? I got beat up recently, kept my dignity and God set me free. Im a lucky woman.

Last week, Tequila announced her retirement. We shudder to think how frequently she'd invent stories on Twitter if she were still active.

She had a great run while she lasted, didn't she?

But we're sad to report that Tila Tequila has called it a career.

The professional attention hog announced her retirement today, hanging up her fake breasts in an interview with Radar Online:

“With so much going on in my life right now and being pregnant, I’m retiring from being a star in Hollywood,” she said.  “Yes, I have seriously retired.”

The Tweeting maniac goes out on top of her sport.

She holds the record for Most Games Played with the Press and it's hard to see any topless model ever exploiting the death of a loved one in the way Tila has taken advantage of Casey Johnson's passing.

What will Tequila do with her newfound free time? Concoct more stories via Twitter, update her celebrity gossip blog and continue to lie about being pregnant.

“I never said I had a miscarriage,” Tila said, referring to her most recently contrived tale of woe.  “I wasn’t feeling good and having stomach pains, but I didn’t have a miscarriage.”

That's true. In order to be have a miscarriage, one must be pregnant - and there's proof below that Tila was never knocked up.

According to Tila Tequila, her and God are, like, total BFF.

The professional Tweeter has posted a series of messages on her social networking site, each one giving thanks to The Man Upstairs for the role He apparently played in her lawsuit settlement with former sex partner Shawne Merriman, along with His influence on her imaginary adoption.

As always, no jokes or one-liners can even do justice to Tila's Tweets. So take it away Crazy Pants...

• OMG I have such happy news!!!!!!!! All I can say is "The Truth Shall Set YOU FREE" Amen to my best friend GOD! My lord savior! My everything.
• All I have 2 say is I been through so much! All painful things, but I remain graceful and take it all in with a grain of salt! I never lie!
• So in the end, I'm always so fierce because the one thing I have that other people don't have, is the Truth about my life! God is great!!!!!
• I just want to say that I'm madly in love with my baby daddy cuz he's madly in love with me too!! A wedding on the way???

We're mere celebrity gossip bloggers. We don't pretend to have inside information on what God is up to.

But, come on. There's no way He's been there for Tila. The woman is insane, and He has far more important things to do, like be exploited by Sarah Palin at highly-paid speaking engagements around the country.

Tila Tequila actually decided to avoid confrontation for once and end her legal war with her former boyfriend San Diego Chargers' linebacker Shawne Merriman.

The NFL star and the ... whatever the hell she is settled dueling lawsuits they filed against each other stemming from a heated altercation back in November.

The terms are confidential - also a first for Tila Tequila.

She may now resume more important matters, like Tweeting about fake pregnancies, fiancees, baby daddies, stalkers, suicide attempts, adoptions and miscarriages.

Next thing you know, Heidi Montag will say her breasts are fake and Jon Gosselin will admit he cares more about attention than his children...

In a development only anyone with a pulse could have seen coming, Tila Tequila has insinuated that she's having a miscarriage.

THG predicted the demise of her fake child in late January, as we asked readers to name the date on which the troubled bisexual would start to Tweet about losing her "baby." Who had February 15 in their office pool?

Earlier today, Tila left multiple messages that implied she was on the verge of suicide due to miscarrying her fetus. Neither of these events are joking matters, but this is Tila Tequila. Nothing is off limits if it extends your 15 minutes in the spotlight another second or two...

** UPDATE: Tila will not be killing herself. The reason?

She has "been APPROVED to adopt my own baby boy 2-3 years old from RUSSIA!!! I will be his Mommy by the end of the year!!"

If this were remotely true, we'd make some joke about it being the worst Russian idea since Communism. Instead, we'll ask readers to start a new pool: When will this adoption "fall through" for Tila?

We hope you're sitting down for this.

You best not be operating any heavy machinery when you hear the news.

Seriously, this is more stunning than Chris Harrison's announcement that The Bachelor will have a shocking conclusion. Are you ready for it?

Tila Tequila is not pregnant. We'll give you a few moments to digest this startling revelation...

Buried in a series of Twitter messages late last week, Tila wrote the following:

Today, of course, she made another reference to her "baby daddy" in a post. This woman is so bat $hit crazy confusing!

Even if Tequila is (gasp!) not actually knocked up, she's still threating the universe with a child. She Tweeted last night:

Im in the process of adopting a baby from Kazakhstan, just like Casey's Daughter. That's all she wanted so Im adopting a child there. xoxo.

Whatever. We're just glad Tila didn't die over the weekend. Our life would be so much less funny (although so much more truthful) if she had.

The fake pregnancy chatter is dying down.

The abortion threats didn't net that many headlines.

That stalker story only lasted for a day.

So, what is an attention-starved, talentless celebrity such as Tila Tequila to do next? Pretend like she's on the verge of death, of course.

The former Penthouse pin-up bumped her head yesterday. It was so serious that she had time to Tweet non-stop about what it could actually result in. To wit:

Tila was released from the hospital and returned home last night. She hasn't posted a Twitter message in hours.

Maybe this really is serious! (Editor's note: it's not.)

Lying about pregnancy is sooooo last week. The new attention-grabbing fad?

Inventing a stalker! Isn't that right, Tila Tequila?

With buzz dying down over her fake baby, the extraordinarily troubled celebrity has resorted to a new story in order to remain in the news: someone is supposedly stalking her.

Police cars were summoned to Tila's San Fernando Valley house yesterday, as they responded to a distress call from the reality TV star. She claimed there was a man in a car sitting outside her property and that he had been there for two weeks.

In a stunning turn of events, though, officers searched the scene and found no trace of anyone. But Tila insists she's telling the truth.

"There's been a psycho stalker and he's getting closer to my door and tried to get in," she lied to Radar Online. "He's been sitting in the rain for days trying to say hi to me. He put his eye up to my door and was trying to peek in."

Hmmm... we wonder if he saw her making love to her baby daddy in that case.

Last April, Tequila claimed someone broke into her home and posted messages on her Twitter account. Police were suspicious because the messages were actually coherent and full of truth, but no arrests were made.

Tila Tequila hasn't just returned to Twitter, folks.

She's also returned to men!

On the day after she re-opened her social networking account, the mentally unbalanced liar didn't disappoint those that follow her Tweets just to laugh at what nonsense she'll spew next. The latest?

Tequila is sleeping with her baby daddy... who she might be falling for... yet who is "NOT ALLOWED to tell anyone who he is" because he signed a non-disclosure agreement... yet who she previously claimed was The Game and adamently insisted she would out in nine months after he denied the charge.

Makes perfect sense, right? In Tila's attention-hungry world, absolutely. Relive her most entertaining Tweets over the last few hours below:

• Anyway, even tho I'm already preggers, It's time for more baby making time tonight! Oh boy! I can't wait! Been a while!!!!!!! LMAO! shhh!
• My baby daddy, is here eating all of Mommy and baby's food!!!! Ol lazy assss! LOL
• MY BD just left....we have a funny joke. I'm like "JUST CUZ U MY BABBY DADDY DONT MAKE U MY BOO!" lol
• I think my babby daddy is falling in love with me.....I told him that he bet not do that cuz I dont wana hurt him....
• But Imma tell u a little secret, I'm falling for my babby daddy too! DUM! DUM! DUM! DUM! And the Saga continues...it aint spose 2 b this way
• and YES Im still a lesbian but, I give my baby daddy that exception. I want to love the father of my child at least so the baby is loved too
• Any men out there who would like to be my next baby daddy?? This is quite addicting!

You heard her, guys. Tila is already on the prowl for the next man to knock her up. We'd tell you to make a run for it, but there's no need to worry: she's not actually pregnant.

We don't give Miley Cyrus credit often, but we can say this about the 17-year old: she deleted her Twitter account and never looked back.

She's also not clinically insane.

The same can't be said about Tila Tequila, who claimed to have quit the social networking service on Monday (because it's the "MOST HATEFUL, DEVIL WORSHIPPERS, RACIST, AND VIOLENT COMMUNITY THAT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED"), only to fire it back up today.

She wrote:

"Damn Twitter was f***ing BORING without me huh? I would be bored as hell if I were U and I wasn't on twitter anymore! hahhaha jk xox."

That sure is a funny joke. Almost as funny as lying about a pregnancy.

That 1 day has arrived... God help us all.

Because Tila is committed to a mental asylum in the near future, we can only hope to her followers, she continued to Tweet about her return:

"Did ya;ll miss me?? I see all the OG's here! YAY! No more filthy haters and Media peeps following! So many famew****s on my tail & would do ANYTHING to get fame by name dropping me! LOSERS!"

Well, she asked. Now it's time to answer: Are you glad Tequila is back on Twitter? Did you miss her?