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We all know that text messages can sometimes be hilarious. Like when they're sent by mom.

Or if the the characters on Game of Thrones ever learned how to text.

But sometimes it's best to just put your phone away and think twice - nay, three times! - before picking it back up and hitting Send.

Like when you're slamming a famous ex-girlfriend and her untalented lady parts. Or when you're a married professional golfer and you wanna bang a porn star. Or when your name is Anthony Weiner.

Below, THG presents 13 of the most well-known celebrity text message scandals of all-time, with far too many involving penis photos and one too many involving a bloodied, beaten Rihanna:

Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez
They've gotten back together and broken up again since, but in January 2014, Justin Bieber allgedly texted Selena Gomez to keep her "talentless [lady part]" away from him.

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Former Tiger Woods mistress and pornographic star Joslyn James has been a bad, bad girl ... and not in a hot way. She's way behind on child support payments.

  • Veronica Siwik-Daniels
  • T-I-G-E-R

In fact, Double-J with the Double Ds is on a government "Most Wanted" list for bailing on nearly $20,000 in payments she's supposed to cough up for her son.

Joslyn James (real name Veronica T. Siwik) has a 14-year-old son, and since she was the breadwinner at the time, was ordered to pay support to the dad.

Instead, she screwed him ... and again, not in the hot way she screwed Tiges.

According to the Washington State Division of Child Support, she owes $18,419.86, good enough to break the Top 100 of the state's 370,000+ child support cases.

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Is Tiger Woods getting a taste of his own medicine from Lindsey Vonn?

The Olympic skier, 28, was spotted locking lips with someone other than the world's top golfer, 37, just a few weeks ago, according to a new report.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn

Backstage at a Justin Timberlake and Jay Z concert in Miami, Lindsey Vonn allegedly hooked up with an "older hunk" from the “SexyBack” singer’s tour.

Says an allegedly well-placed source:

“After the concert, Lindsey and a group of female friends, carrying drinks, made their way backstage, and Lindsey spotted a guy she very obviously knew well."

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Who can ever forget Thanksgiving 2009.

On November 25 three years ago, The National Enquirer reported that Tiger Woods was having a secret, torrid affair with NYC nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel.

  • Hot Rachel Uchitel Picture
  • Tiger Woods, Goatee
  • Elin Woods Bikini Picture

Then, around 2:30 am on November 27, Woods peeled out of his home in his Cadillac SUV and crashed into a fire hydrant, a tree, and some hedges on his street.

He was treated for minor injuries and ticketed for careless driving. In a statement, he called it a "private matter" and credited his wife for helping him out of the car.

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Rachel Uchitel has repaid much of the money Tiger Woods paid her to keep quiet in the aftermath of their affair, and may sue Gloria Allred as a result.

Huh? Relax. It's even more confusing than you think.

Derek Lowe Mug Shot

In early 2010, Allred negotiated a $10 million settlement for Rachel, who had planned to hold a news conference and detail her relationship with Tiger.

The mammoth payoff included a confidentiality agreement, which prohibited Rachel Uchitel from talking about Tiger. Ever. Here's where it gets dicey:

The confidentiality clause works the way you think it does. If Rachel spoke about Tiger, she'd have to pay back the money, as well as potential damages.

Several months ago, Tiger's lawyer, Jay Lavely, contacted Gloria regarding Rachel's appearance on Celebrity Rehab, saying they planned to sue over it.

While she never talked specifically about Tiger on the VH1 show, Uchitel's reality show treatment "addiction to love" royally pissed off Woods' camp.

Rachel felt strongly she had not violated the agreement, but Gloria convinced her she would lose if Tiger's attorney pursued the case against her.

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As Tiger Woods preps for the prestigious U.S. Open this week, it's apparently open season for mistresses claiming he fathered their kids years ago.

Yesterday, we reported on a UK documentary airing this week which will allege that the golfer has a kid with Theresa Rogers, his "cougar mistress."

Now another mistress, porn star Devon James (no relation to Woods mistress Joslyn James), claims Tiger is the father of her son, Austin T. James.

Austin's middle initial is a secret tribute to the golfer she loved, claims Devon James, who leaked a picture of the supposed Tiger Woods love child.

The child was born in 2001, before Tiger was married to Elin Nordegren. The Theresa Rogers spawn was born in '03, also before he was married.

Devon James claims Tiger Woods knocked her up back in the day.

"She was 19 at the time, and attending a Christian school program" a source close to Devon James recalls. "They immediately started a relationship."

"She became pregnant, but decided not to tell Tiger," who she knows is the dad as he's "the only African-American man she dated at the time."

Devon James was one of the bevy of busty babes who came forward with Tiger tales after his mystifying November car wreck and fall from grace.

James first dished on Woods in March, claiming James was asked to join a threesome with a girlfriend a mystery man who turned out to be Woods.

"Hi, I'm Tiger. Nice to meet you," James quoted him as saying before they quickly got down to business - him paying $2,000 each for "dirty" sex.

Is Austin T. James Tiger Woods' love child?

Devon says the first time she bedded Tiger was back in 2000, though, when she was just a teenager, and the threesome simply reconnected them.

"She showed him pictures of Austin, and told him he was his son," a source said. "He didn't want to meet the boy, but did send gifts for the child."

In unrelated and hilarious news, Devon was accused of robbing Joslyn on a porn set yesterday. That's not the only attack on her character, either.

James' mother, Sandra Brinling, said yesterday that her daughter is a "pathological liar" and that she knows exactly who "Austin T.'s real dad" is.

Time will tell if one or both of these allegations are substantiated by DNA evidence, or if more alleged Tiger Woods baby mamas come forward.

Based on the photo above, do you think Tiger Woods fathered Devon James' love child? Or is she just making it up for publicity?

 

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Lies. Ambien. Text message impersonation. Golf club-wielding insanity.

The Daily Beast cites close Elin Woods sources in piecing together the clearest picture yet of the Tiger Woods scandal, a.k.a. the most expensive car crash in history.

Derek Lowe Mug Shot

These sources' details mesh with the more credible accounts of the post-Thanksgiving altercation to date, and we've excerpted some scandalous details here:

During the run-up to Thanksgiving, Tiger gave Elin advance warning that the National Enquirer was about to run a story claiming he had an affair with Rachel Uchitel.

Woods swore the story was false and that he had only met Uchitel 1-2 times at social outings. The day before Thanksgiving, Tiger convinced Uchitel to talk to Elin.

Rachel Uchitel spoke to her for half an hour, and Elin believed that the relationship was platonic - until she read the Enquirer's specifics of the purported affair.

Sources say Elin Woods busted Rachel Uchitel via text message.

That evening, the two argued. Tiger decided to end the bickeringby taking Ambien and going to sleep (he often took Ambien to help him sleep - and bang Uchitel).

After Woods fell asleep, Elin looked through his phone, found texts to Uchitel (under her real name) and discovered one saying “You are the only one I’ve loved.”

Shortly after 1 a.m. in Florida, Elin began texting Rachel Uchitel, pretending to be Tiger, writing “I miss you,” and asking, “When are we seeing each other again?”

Uchitel texted back, surprised that Woods was awake. Elin felt this response indicated that the two of them spoke earlier that night, before Tiger took his Ambien.

At that point, Elin Woods called Uchitel, who answered thinking it was Tiger. Elin said something approximating, “I knew it was you.” Uchitel’s shocked reply: “Oh f--k.”

She immediately hung up.

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Julie Postle, previously known to gossip hounds as "Unidentified Orlando Cocktail Waitress," was identified as one of Tiger Woods' mistresses this afternoon.

That makes 10 according to THG's updated, official Tiger mistress list.

Jules was outed by ex-beau Brian Kimbrough, who claims she was seeing Tiger Woods on the side in 2004 while he was casually dating the blonde cutie.

Brian says Tiger called himself "Mr. Brightside" in reference to a Killers' song about a jealous lover, and the golfer would call up Julie Postle "incessantly."

"One time, her phone rang, and it said a weird name on it - 'Mr. Brightside,'" Kimbrough recalled. "And I was like, 'What the hell is this?' She smiled."

"She just said it was Tiger but didn't answer it. But she played me the voice mail. It said, 'Hey, it's Tiger, just seeing how you're doing. Give me a call.'"

Why'd Kimbrough stay with Postle, if she was fooling around with Woods?

"She was hot," he said.

There's little bright side now for Julie Postle's former fling.

Kimbrough says Woods even invited Postle to Vegas and said, 'If you break up with your boyfriend, I can give you some money to get you on your feet.'"

Don't tell that to Jamie Jungers.

Things later got more serious between Kimbrough and Postle, and she said she and Tiger weren't speaking anymore. But we know how that goes.

The mother of Postle's former roommate, Morgan Coles, backs up the story.

"Tiger was obsessed, really hunted her," Nola Coles recalls. "He used to go into Roxy demanding Julie. 'Where's Julie? I want to see Julie.'

"She was 20 then, and I said, 'You've got to get a condo out of this,'" the mother said, "and she just said, 'Oh, no, I can't do that to Tiger.'"

Naturally, Julie Postle's trysts and phone calls with Tiger Woods, which began in 2004, continued even after he was married to Elin Nordegren.

Also naturally, "Tiger told [Postle] that his marriage was just for publicity. She said it was for his image, entirely for the media and wasn't real."

Hope you've got a good divorce lawyer, Tiger.

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"He wanted to spank me and pull my hair as we had sex. He liked me to talk dirty, but the hair-pulling really turned him on." - Mindy Lawton on Tiger Woods

It's hard to believe this is what Tiger Woods news has come to. Just two weeks ago, he had the cleanest image of anyone. Now he has five rumored mistresses.

Derek Lowe Mug Shot

Sure, you can doubt the credibility of Mindy Lawton, the fifth woman tied to Tiger Woods, and who boasts about it in the UK's News of the World this morning.

But do you? At least three of his first four mistresses have been semi-confirmed, and his reputation is so shot by this point, he gets no benefit of the doubt.

According to waitress Lawton, Tiger had an affair with her while his model wife Elin Nordegren was pregnant.

Oh, and the world's #1 golfer liked playing in the rough!

"Sometimes I looked like a rag doll after we'd made love," she reflected on Tiger Woods' prolific performance in the sack. "He really did like it quite rough."

Sadly, Mindy Lawton soon learned Tiger only wanted one thing from her.

"I realize now all he wanted me for was sex. The only time he would call was when he wanted it," she said. "Tiger just used me as a sex toy. I thought I meant something to him, but all he cared about was lust. He is a selfish, heartless man."

"All Tiger cared about was getting me into bed. He had an urge and I satisfied it. There was very little if any emotion from his side although I fell for him."

In her tell-all interview, Mindy described how Tiger Woods:

  • Demanded instant, urgent sex when they met up.
  • Nailed her all over his mansion and even in a parking lot.
  • Sent explicit text messages prior to their sex sessions.
  • Urged her to wear sexy red lingerie (his favorite)!
  • Took Elin Nordegren to the restaurant where Mindy works.

Tiger and Elin are renegotiating a prenup and going through marriage counseling after a series of affairs came to light after his mysterious car crash last week.

Rachel Uchitel was the first woman to be linked to Tiger Woods, followed by the likes of Jaimee Grubbs, Kalika Moquin and just yesterday, Jamie Jungers.

Cori Rist is also rumored to have had an affair with him.

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Lots of people were probably surprised when they heard Tiger Woods was cheating (relentlessly, it appears) on his wife and his children's mother, Elin.

Hugh Hefner is not one of those people.

Like the golfer, the octogenarian knows a thing or 10 about juggling three girls at the same time - and he doesn't see what the big deal is with Woods.

"I think the only surprise in it, quite frankly, is that anybody would be surprised," the Playboy mogul told E! News. "If you're a good-looking guy and young and healthy, the notion that there would be something else going on, well ..."

"Ultimately, marriage is just a convenience. It's very nice for raising kids," Hugh adds, "but the notion that monogamy lasts forever is a pipe dream!"

At least Tiger hasn't lost any respect from Hugh.

You knew this was coming. Asked if he'd like the Tiger Woods mistresses to bare all for a spread in Playboy, Hefner thought about it, but seemed unmoved:

"We're not really looking for scandal, but I don't know ... We'll see."

Jaimee Grubbs, the most vocal of Tiger's side pieces, once tried to get in the magazine, so we know she'd be down, but Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin?

Think of the great headline potential, though: Triple Bogey: (Golf) Balls Deep in the Rough with Tiger's Girls Next Door ... or something. Is this thing on?

Tiger Woods Biography

Tiger and Charlie Woods Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the history of the world. The talented athlete has also married a blonde bombshell and inspired... More »
Born
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Tiger Woods
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