The Sports Gal

Bill Simmons is at it again. Well, actually, it's the Sports Guy's wife we're interested in this time. But if it weren't for Bill, we'd have no Sports Gal rants to report on.

Below, Bill's better, funnier half takes aim at ABC's The Bachelor, along with one of Hollywood's most talked-about foxes, Kristin Cavallari...

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I can't watch The Bachelor anymore because they keep selecting guys who shouldn't need a reality show to find a wife.

I liked the first two seasons when they were just nice-looking guys who had normal jobs and seemed normal.

Now the bachelors come on to become famous; they don't care about finding a soul mate. They want to break up with whoever they picked in the Final Rose episode and hook up with Kristin Cavallari at a Sunset Strip club the next week.

It's so easy to see through them. Like, this year's Bachelor is a rich Italian prince (Lorenzo Borghese) who can't speak Italian and went to Rollins College. It's like Joe Millionaire, only without the twist at the end. Why would I root for a fake prince to fall in love?

Instead of picking princes and quarterbacks, I think ABC should go in the other direction. My friend Melissa thinks we have hot homeless guys out here in L.A.; she calls them "the hot homeless."

We can't figure out why there are so many good-looking ones. Maybe they're failed actors, I don't know. But since it's practically hopeless for single women over 30 in L.A., Melissa thinks they'd have a better chance by taking in a hot homeless guy, cleaning him up, getting him a job and trying to turn his life around.

I agree. I'd like to see ABC pick a hot homeless guy as the next Bachelor. They could clean him up and introduce him to 25 girls at once. His whole life could change, right? Although he'd probably fall for three of them at the same time, settle on the slut with the biggest rack, give her a promise ring, then dump her the next week to hook up with Cavallari.

Forget it, this could never work.

In recent weeks we've brought you the ramblings of Bill Simmons, a.k.a. The Sports Guy on ESPN.com. But it turns out there's more to Bill's love of pop culture than we previously believed. His wife, affectionately termed the Sports Gal, weighs in on everyone's favorite brainwashed celeb couple, TomKat, in his latest column! Here's what she had to say:

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Last Saturday afternoon I took our daughter to La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills. There was a kid's soccer game going on and I noticed a big circle of paparazzi crunching around two people. So we moved towards them and it was Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes!

The first thing I noticed was that they were the same height -- he must have been wearing lifts and either she was wearing flats or he had her ankles removed. No way they're the same height. His hips were five inches higher than her hips. But I ended up feeling really bad for them. The photographers were literally two feet from their face and moving as they moved. They just wanted to watch his kid's soccer game.

Then I was thinking about Katie and what her life is like -- she just lost the baby weight and probably still feels fat all the time, but every time she leaves her house, she has to look good enough to be photographed from two feet away. This would drive me nuts and now I understand why most female celebrities end up being nuts. No wonder Kate Bosworth hasn't eaten since 2003. I also felt bad for the other kids in the game.

They're just trying to play soccer and then 40,000 photographers show up. That's not fair. All the celeb kids should be forced to play in celeb youth leagues so normal kids can play soccer in peace. Celeb kids are just going to be screwed-up adults some day, it's not like they have a chance. Normal kids do.

Anyway, I felt bad for Tom and Katie for two days until Bill showed me how they were sitting in the front row of the Redskins game and obviously hoping to get shown on TV over and over again. Now I'm wondering if they alerted the paparazzi ahead of time about the soccer game. They probably did. I hate Hollywood. We need to get out of here.

This is what we like to see.

First, Bill Simmons - an ESPN online columnist known as "The Sports Guy" - predicted a rather entertaining future for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

Now his wife, the "Sports Gal," naturally, has a few choice words for another favorite target of The Gossip: Lindsay Lohan. Chek out the tremendous rant:

There's a new commercial where Lindsay Lohan claims that she uses Proactiv a few times a week for healthy skin. This made me laugh because she lives at the Chateau Marmont and probably gets a facial and massage every other day. Also, this girl can't even show up on a movie set on time, now I'm supposed to believe she remembers to take her Proactiv every day?

I don't think anyone who's famous or wealthy should be able to go on TV and endorse skin products unless they divulge the other "keys" to their beauty routine, like acne extractions every week, microderm abrasion two times a month, two facials a week and La Mer moisturizing products at $200 a pop.

These celebrities spend at least $2,000 a month keeping their skin "healthy." In Lindsay's case, she's a chain-smoking, club-hopping tramp who spends her spare time getting tanning sessions, shopping and forgetting to eat.

She's going to look like a leather purse in 25 years no matter how much Proactiv she takes. She should have to mention that, too. I hate that commercial.