The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.
Our current match-up features a pair of sisters... that's four celebs in all. You know these siblings well, and may harbor strong feelings towards them. Some of you may have even slept with one of them. Who are we to say? All we know is that when the gloves come off between the Olsen Twins and the spawn of Crazy Joe Simpson, you are gonna see some insane $h!t.
But enough with the hype. Here's Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vs. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson for all the marbles. Ding, Ding!
1. PARENTAL INFLUENCE
Mary-Kate / Ashley: The fraternal twins have been forced to appear in TV and films since infancy, and are probably f*%ked in the brain for life
Jessica / Ashlee: At least they had a somewhat normal childhood before fame turned their Dad into an insane person
2. CHEST SIZE
Mary-Kate / Ashley: Nothing to write home (or blogs) about
Jessica / Ashlee: Have you seen this Jessica Simpson picture? Ashlee isn't hurting in this department, either...
Mary-Kate / Ashley: While both have become style icons, Mary-Kate dresses more chic, while Ashley is more conventionally stylish. Both are known for wearing flip-flops, as well as accessories such as large sunglasses
Jessica / Ashlee: Whatever she wears looks hot (Jessica); Changes look too often to be recognized (Ashlee)
4. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Mary-Kate / Ashley: Starred on Full House (1987-1995), along with more than a dozen movies; Youngest people ever to receive stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
Jessica / Ashlee: Six studio albums and more than 16,000,000 units sold between them; Various acting roles
5. EATING DISORDERS
Mary-Kate / Ashley: May not have ingested food since 2002
Jessica / Ashlee: Ashlee has slimmed down, but not to that degree
6. EX-BOYFRIENDS, HUSBANDS, RANDOM HOOKUPS
Mary-Kate / Ashley: Stavros Niarchos
Jessica / Ashlee: Nick Lachey, Braxton Olita, John Mayer, Bam Margera
7. FINANCIAL SITUATION
Mary-Kate / Ashley: Reported to be worth $150 million each; Named the "Most Powerful Young Women in Hollywood" by the Hollywood Reporter
Jessica / Ashlee: Very wealthy, but only making real money in the past five years or so... plus, Nick Lachey could take a lot of Jessica's dough!
8. CONTROVERSIES & SCANDALS
Mary-Kate / Ashley: Eating disorders, drug abuse, acting like bitches to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
Jessica / Ashlee: Little talent, adultery, plastic surgery accusations, bogus sex tapes, lip-synching on TV
9. MEMORABLE QUOTES
Mary-Kate / Ashley: "I want to go to culinary school because I love cooking. One day I'd love to open up a restaurant or cafe." -- Mary-Kate Olsen
Jessica / Ashlee: "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken of the Sea.'" -- Jessica Simpson
10. OVERALL HOTNESS
Mary-Kate / Ashley: Stay away!
Jessica / Ashlee: Any day!
THE VERDICT: Sorry, Mary-Kate and Ashlee. Jessica and Ashlee have ruled this duel and straight up bitch-slapped you with a commanding 6.5-3.5 victory. Go do some drugs and throw up today's lunch to make yourselves feel better.