Stephen Colbert

Once again, the incomparable Stephen Colbert has taken the time out of his hit Comedy Central show, The Colbert Report, to tackle more important issues. It's been a hell of a week. Who (and what) makes the latest edition of the "On Notice" board? Let's see...

It's impossible to argue with his selections. Divorce settlements are bad news all around (talking to you, Britney). And what's with everybody's fiancee getting knocked up before walking down the aisle? It's not just for Keri Russell and Amanda Peet anymore. Everybody's doing it this way. Was there some memo we didn't get?

As for the rest of the list...

• It's the hair. What else could possibly keep Sanjaya Malakar on American Idol? Watching the guy is raw pain. Yet he stays. Every week. As our ears bleed. Literally.
• We get it. Heather Mills has a prosthetic leg, yet is on a reality show about dancing! Amazing! Enough. Shouldn't science get the credit for making this possible, not the gold-digging former call girl?
• Mortgage lenders are paying the price for issuing many thousands of home loans to borrowers with bad credit. If your credit is so poor that you can't qualify for low mortgage rates, should you really be buying a house at all? Think about it.
• François-Henri Pinault, if you don't treat Salma Hayek right, we will end you.
• What is it with Laguna Beach graduates and getting arrested? First Jason Wahler (x3), now Jessica Smith. This town should hire one of its less troubled alums, Lauren Conrad, to conduct an anti-DUI seminar.
• Everyone's trying the pink hair thing. Scarlett Johansson. Kelis. Rachel McAdams. Joss Stone. In a word, it looks really friggin' lame. Get a life! Pink (the singer, not the color) is rolling in her grave.

Ask Stephen Colbert the one thing that's missing from this world and he's likely to tell you: an ice cream flavor named after himself.

Well, America's favorite son can finally relax.

This may be a hoax - perhaps started by good friend, Jon Stewart - but Ben & Jerry's appears to have come out with a Colbert-inspired flavor, "Americone Dream." Catchy, isn't it?

We can imagine Colbert saluting true Americans, such as Lauren Nelson, before devouring such a delicious dessert as he recites the Pledge of Allegiance at home.

The talk show host is ceretainly worthy of his own flavor, but allow us to suggest a pair of other ideas:

1. "Ice Cream in a Box," in honor of Justin Timberlake
2. "Drunken, Beautiful Chip," in honor of Tara Conner

Tell us, readers: What other celebrities deserve their own type of ice cream?

May God bless America! And Lauren Nelson!

The newly-crowned Miss America, of whom no nude pictures or tales of drunken debauchery have been posted on the Internet, has finally given the land of the free and home of the brave an upstanding beauty queen it can be proud of.

And after the events of the past few months - a period dominated by Miss USA Tara Conner (booze, cocaine, sexual indiscretions with men), Miss Teen USA Katie Blair (booze, sexual indiscretions with Conner!) and former Miss Nevada Katie Rees (you gotta check out these pics!) - that's no small feat.

No wonder, then, that comedian and patriotic social commentator Stephen Colbert is willing to stand up and give Nelson a salute. She's made us proud to be Americans once again...

... now, does anyone know where we can get more Katie Rees pictures? Just saying.

As one of Entertainment Weekly's Entertainers of the Year, Stephen Colbert has a lot to say.

Mostly about himself.

Let's listen in to an interview he recently gave the magazine. It's one that shows how this patriot would make Donald Trump proud if he were ever named Mr. USA.

EW: Congrats on being named one of EW's Entertainers of the Year.
SC: I'm honored. Not surprised. I don't want anyone to think that this comes as a shock to me.

EW: What did you hope to accomplish in 2006?
SC: I set out to change the world â€" not a lot, just by tiny degrees â€" and grab the wheel of this nation and turn the great ship of our national destiny.

EW: There's so much going on in the world right now â€"
SC: For the first time ever, there's a lot going on in the world. I'm so lucky that this year was the year something happened in the world. Years before, this show wouldn't have worked. The world was just phoning it in.

EW: It's obviously fun to see you in full-on Colbert mode, but it's also entertaining to see you struggle not to break character, as if the absurdity of what you're doing is suddenly washing over you.
SC: I try to wear it very lightly. The show was an extension and an amplification of the stuff I had done for Jon [Stewart on The Daily Show], and the character's attitude over there, while self-important, was variable in terms of the way I expressed it, because I had to be paint on Jon's brush.

But as we started to make this more consistent, my refrain was, ''I can't be an a--hole.'' And Jon kept saying, ''You're not an a--hole, you're an idiot. And second of all, if you just enjoy yourself, the audience will know. Don't wear it so heavily.'' And that has been a really wonderful note from him. While I want to be consistent in the character, I'm having such a good time doing it...

[Sometimes] I break. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it, because if the audience has occasionally sensed that I'm also perceiving the absurdity of what I'm doing, I don't come off as such a jerk.

To read the rest of the interview, click here.

To see sex-crazed, almost nude Katie Rees pictures, click here.

Sorry, folks, you've missed your chance to hang a picture of Stephen Colbert - posing in front of another picture of Stephen Colbert - in your living room.

Chad Walldorf's chain of barbecue restaurants has beaten you to it. The business paid $50,605 for the portrait, which The Colbert Report sold on e-Bay. The money went to charity.

The painting had hung above the fireplace on the set of the Comedy Central show, depicting a debonair Colbert standing in front of a similar portrait of himself. Colbert announced the winner on Tuesday's show - but he still isn't running for president with Jon Stewart.

Walldorf and his business partners, who oversee 17 Sticky Fingers restaurants throughout the South, intend to mount the portrait in their restaurant in Charleston, S.C., Colbert's hometown.

"We don't know much about art, but figured any time you can get two portraits for the price of one, then it must be a great deal ... It's like a buy-one-get-one-free on the American Dream," Walldorf told The Associated Press.

Sort of. But an even better deal, Mr. Walldorf, is that you could've had Lindsay Lohan for free if you just drove by her street corner and rolled down your window.

Proceeds from the painting will benefit Westport, Conn.-based Save the Children.

We saw it as a way to invest in a great cause while ... doing something that we thought would be fun for our employees and customers," Walldorf said.

While this may not be the same as Brad Pitt building homes for Habitat for Humanity, it's still a very nice gesture.

We can't tell you for sure who will be on the presidential ballot in 2008. But the list of those who've had to annouce they are NOT running reads like the Hollywood Walk of Fame:

- Oprah is out. And her lawyer got pretty steamed anyone dared to mention she could be in.

- George Clooney isn't up for running. But he is still single, ladies.

- Brooke Hogan also won't be a candidate. Obviously. She's not old enough yet, according to the Constitution.

Now, you can add Jon Stewart (left) and Stephen Colbert to the parade of non-presidents.

Stewart, responding to the influx of T-shirts promoting such a ticket said it's "a real sign of how sad people are" with the state of affairs in the country.

"Nothing says 'I am ashamed of you my government' more than Stewart/Colbert '08," Stewart told an audience Sunday at the New Yorker Festival.

Stewart, who recently hosted Pakistan's president, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, on The Daily Show, said he's been trying to get top Bush administration officials to appear. "We have requests in there to everyone including Barney," Stewart said. "Only Barney replies."

Barney is the president's Scottish terrier.

Stewart scoffed at suggestions that some people actually get their news from The Daily Show, too.

"There's no way you could get the news from us," he said. "I've seen the show. It couldn't happen."

Sort of.

See, the Alabama country places an emphasis on the first syllable, a sort of schwa-sounding "e" and a "t" that's pronounced aloud.

But there's no sense in trying to tell that to Stephen Colbert.

The egocentric Comedy Central talk show host is convinced the area was named after him, despite the different pronunciations. Consequently, he plans to open "The Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop" in Tuscumbia.

But not really. Kind of like how Anna Nicole Smith is married.

Either way, it's gonna to be part of an October storyline on the The Colbert Report. Representatives of the show will tape for a couple of days early next week in the county, producer Jeff Cooperman said.

Ultimately, the joke will be that Colbert (Stephen, that is) isn't as popular as he thought because the museum closes for lack of interest the next day.

"The premise is Stephen Colbert wants to open his museum, and what better place than a county that is named for him," Cooperman said. "This town seems like the perfect place to send his building manager â€" a guy named Tad (played by one of the show's staff, Paul Dinello) â€" to open the museum."

He adds, tongue-in-cheek, "One thing Stephen is going to try to figure out is why you guys pronounce Stephen's last name wrong."

Don't feel bad, town. We can never properly spell the name "Matthew McConaughey" on the first try.

Sadly, Stephen Colbert hasn't put anyone "on notice" in awhile, but maybe that's due to the barrage of phone calls he's been receiving.

On Tuesday night's edition of The Colbert Report, the host continued a recurring gag involving a "Repentance Hotline" that he had allegedly set up for Jewish people to call him on.

The act was in accordance with the Jewish New Year tradition of repentance during Rosh Hashanah, an event Mel Gibson must have been lined up for.

The number Colbert urged viewers to call was 1-888-OOPS-JEW.

As a faux conservative anchor, Jon Stewart's good friend wasn't lying. You actually can dial these digits and hear the following message:

Shalom, and welcome to Stephen Colbert's atonement hotline. At the tone, please be a mench, and unburden your soul by stating how you've wronged me, Stephen Colbert ...

Inspired, The Gossip has set up a few of our own hotlines to helpour favorite celebrities. There's 1-800-I-Need-Food, in honor of Kate Bosworth.

And 1-888-Dirty-Sanchez for those in need of tips from Dustin Diamond.

Finally, don't forget about 1-800-Baby-Daddy if you think you're the father of Anna Nicole Smith's newborn.

We've seen this before. Stephen Colbert takes time away from his hit Comedy Central show, The Colbert Report, and tackles the real issues on everyone's mind.

A couple weeks ago, the political comedian put various awful people celebrities, such as Lindsay Lohan, "On Notice." Who has caught his judgmental eye this time around? Take a gander:

It's hard to argue with most of these selections. Brody Jenner really does need to be careful, now that Kristin Cavallari claims she's over him. That's when they strike, dude!

As for a few othes on the list:

• Be way, Chicago. Aside from the impending September swoon of the White Sox, Ashlee Simpson and her fake everything are coming to town.
• For everyone else, there's no calming way to put this: life insurance scams could be coming to a policy near you! Watch your back, as well as your heart beat.
• Halloween, meanwhile, may soon be overshadowed. The holiday needs to make back-up plans now that Kevin Federline has announced October 31 as the due date for his talentless spawn second baby with Britney.
• Lastly, run and hide,, alligators across the world. Beyonce is coming - and she'll tape your mouth shut!

Working at The Daily Show is obviously a pain-staking task. You've gotta somehow find humor in the words and action of President Bush.

And what do correspondents receive for such hard work? A pat on the back? Mockery from established programs such as Fox News? Critically-acclaimed success in follow-up projects?

For Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell, it's been at least the latter.

While neither ex-pupil of Jon Stewart won any Emmy Awards Sunday night (Carell lost out to Tony Shaloub for best comedic actor; but his sitcom, The Office, did win for funniest series), the duo still posed for an extreme close-up at a post-show party: