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Spencer Pratt is a known loser. Still, he wants to be part of Charlie Sheen's WINNING! team so bad that he'll be the actor's new publicist for free.

After Sheen's long-time PR man, Stan Rosenfield, quit this past, Spencer has come out of the woodwork, offering to help Sheen mend his image.

We wouldn't hold our breath, Spencer. Then again, it's Charlie Sheen. Bets are off. We know he's a role model, but he's an unpredictable one!

Scraggly Ass Beard

Spencer to Charlie: Let me use your scandal for attention help you!

Pratt, who's married to Heidi Montag, says, "I want to be Charlie Sheen's new publicist. I am offering to be his media point man. I have great contacts with media outlets and will work for free just to be part of his winning team."

Taking media advice from Spencer Pratt is a like getting romantic tips from Mel Gibson, but we're sure Charlie appreciates anyone reaching out to him.

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Spencer Pratt is apparently livid with Bravo's Andy Cohen for his verbal tirade against Heidi Montag, who he wasn't exactly kind to over the weekend.

Cohen referred to Heidi as "trash" and said he'd rather stab himself than see her on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills after she expressed interest.

"That trash is delusional and I would sooner stab ... knives into my eyes than see her on this network," he said, calling her the "Jackhole of the week."

Pissed Off Pratt

JACKHOLE! Spencer has issues with Andy. [Photo: Pacific Coast News]

Never one to miss an opening, Spencer was stunned by the hurtful comments about his wife, telling Radar Online, "Andy is clearly the Jackhole."

"You think you're special because you have your little talk show that's hurting in ratings doesn't give you special authority to bash a young girl."

"Maybe you have issues with women," added The Hills alum. "It's clear you you don't respect your talented housewives, always mocking them."

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Spencer Pratt is done with reality TV and headline-seeking gimmicks.

LOL. We'll believe that when we see it, but that's what he's claiming.

Instead, "I want to be an FBI agent, or work in homeland security or intelligence," the former Hills star said. "I've given up TV, and would love to be an FBI agent."

Spencer Pratt with a Gun

FBI MATERIAL? Of course, there's the small matter of Spencer not having his B.A. He says he's just a few credits short of a degree in Political Science from USC.

"Those ads that pop up when you sign on the computer that say, 'Do you want to work for the FBI, all you need is a college degree.' I was like, I don't have that."

"I came so close to getting my degree, that I can't believe I didn't finish. It's going to be really weird to be at school again. I know it will be hard to blend in."

"Just going to the college store with [Heidi Montag] to get my books for summer school was a challenge," he says, expecting us to take this seriously.

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The Spencer Pratt rap song that leaked last week might result in something besides widespread ridicule for the former Hills star after all. KFC wants to use it!

KFC President Roger Eaton wants to partner with Pratt and turn "Ain't No Thing," his so-bad-it's-amazing track, into a music video ad for the company.

Yes, we're actually serious.

"We heard the song came out before it was fully cooked, and you were just winging it as a first cut," Eaton says, tapping into a vast well of poultry puns.

"We're willing to help you tune up the track and even turn it into a tasty music video, featuring the Colonel himself. That is, if you're not chicken."

"On behalf of the entire Kentucky Fried Chicken family, we want to make an offer you can't resist." Pratt's response? "My dreams have come true!"

Here's the musical brilliance in question if you haven't heard it:

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Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt insist on torturing us with music. It's pretty funny if nothing else, even if the gruesome twosome didn't intend it to be.

A year after the debut of her gawdawful album Superficial, Montag has just released "Heartbeat," a new, mediocre-at-best synthesized dance track.

"Touch me," she sings, or attempts to in vain. "Let me know. Touch me. I don’t need. You enjoy myself. Enjoy myself to the music. Heartbeat."

"I put my heart into this," she tells People. "I want to become a galaxy star."

Whatever that is, we wouldn't recommend holding your breath, girlfriend.

As you may have heard (with the ear scars to prove it), Spencer Pratt has some tunes of his own floating around cyberspace. Of the rap variety.

His latest effort, which you can listen to after the jump, isn't quite as bad as the others. Of course, the bar was set preposterously low, so ...

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Unfortunately for the music industry and society, Spencer Pratt's hip hop aspirations fizzled because of talent and financial limitations a little over a year ago.

Luckily for his 14 fans, the Great White Nope sings AND raps on a track leaked this morning. "I Get Doe" is an ode to foolz getting paid. And misspelling words.

The tune was recorded in mid-2009, and like the rap song we brought you Tuesday, "Ain't No Thang," it's beyond bad and must be heard to be believed.

"This is the second song I did after I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, and we called it I Get Doe, which is slang for money," Spencer Pratt told Radar.

Pratt goes head-to-head with both his critics and the show that launched his "career," lambasting both with hard-hitting, racy lyrics like this opening bit:

"Spencer Pratt... b!tch. I bet you think because you saw me on the TV that you know my whole life story. Let me tell you something you might not know."

"F**k what you talkin' about, b*tch I get doe."

Amen.

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You know if Spencer Pratt doesn't want something released that will get him publicity, it must be beyond bad. His rap song, "Ain't No Thang," certainly qualifies.

Details are fuzzy, but the rumor is that Spencer recorded it at an L.A. studio last year, but was so embarrassed he never wanted it to see the light of day.

Luckily for us, he did not get his wish as it leaked this morning.

"Ain't No Thang" is an ode to chicken wings (we guess) and other nonsense that must be heard to be believed. Have a tissue handy, you may cry laughing ...

It's official. Spencer is officially worse at rapping than Heidi Montag is at improving her appearance. Both just keep setting the bar lower and lower.

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The celebrity sex tape. It's become as common as a Lindsay Lohan trip to rehab.

As has been the case ever since Paris Hilton experimented with a camera and a dream, 2010 was yet another year filled with aspiring amateur porn stars, all of whom used the power of their genitalia to make headlines and increase bank accounts.

Below, we present the first-ever THG Sex Tape Awards, handed out to the real, the rumored and the downright disgusting...

Most Despicable: The year kicked off with a rumor that John Edwards actually filmed a sexual encounter with Rielle Hunter. We scoffed at first, but it was then proven true. Horribly, depressingly, incomprehensibly true.

Rielle Hunter, No Pants

Most Likely to Involve Roses, Drama: Bachelor castoff Rozlyn Papa was kicked off the show for fondling a producer. No surprise that she likes it in front of a camera.

Least Clothed Use of Performance Enhancement Drugs: Mindy McCready, Baseball Mistress.

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Happy Thanksgiving to all from The Hollywood Gossip!

What would this holiday be without family, food, football and reflection upon the things we appreciate most ... in the case of THG, that means some of the bird-brained celebs we've had the privilege of covering in the past year.

Without further ado, THG's Top 10 Turkeys of '10 ...

We may rename this the Spencer Pratt Thanksgiving Turkey Award.

10. Barack Obama. The good will and immense popularity enjoyed by the President at the start of his White House term eroded fast, leaving in its wake a deeply polarized electorate and a Congress destined for partisan gridlock.

9. Jake Pavelka. Lame stints on The Bachelorette, The Bachelor and DWTS were enough to overcook this turkey, but his televised breakup special with fake fiancee Vienna Girardi was the year's reality TV douchepocalypse.

8. The Kardashians. Sure, they're harmless, but there's so darn many of these girls. Mix in a hearty helping of Scott Disick and we're just burned out.

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Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt recently renewed their vows, and didn't even think to invite her estranged mother, Darlene Egelhoff. The reason for that is simple, they say - she's a "hypocrite" just trying to piggyback off Speidi's fame.

How you can piggyback off of a couple who's also teetering on bankuptcy is unclear, but Speidi insists Darlene's words don't match her actions.

The Mountain Man

Heidi, three people she no longer speaks to, and Spencer.

"She's so into The Hills and she thinks she's like this Hills girl now," Heidi Montag said. "She's calling up all the tabloids. If she cares, she would stop."

Amid reports that Heidi's mom is asking $5,000 for appearances, Darlene Egelhoff appeared on ET, weeping and imploring her daughter to call her.

Crocodile tears, according to Spencer Pratt.

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Spencer Pratt Biography

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Kiss The loathsome Spencer Pratt is a random dumbass who has gained celebrity gossip notoriety from being on The Hills as Heidi Montag's loser... More »
Born
Birthplace
Los Angeles, California
Full Name
Spencer William Pratt

Spencer Pratt Quotes

Heidi Montag: Honey, I'm home.
Spencer Pratt: Oh, my favorite part of the day!

I would never watch that! I would rather throw up... but I know for a fact, and I would take a lie detector test.

regarding a Lauren Conrad sex tape
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