by Free Britney at

This week on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami featured something called a blood facial for Kim, but it wasn't as dirty as it probably sounds. 

Also, Scott ended up almost losing one of his balls … sort of.

Come along for THG's official +/- KKTM recap!

Kim on KKTM

Kim, or the producers who script her every move, have always loved "detective work." That's how she justifies her spying and meddling, anyway. Minus 50.

So you can imagine how excited she is when Larsa's friend Jake, an actual real P.I., comes to the city to work on a pro bono kidnapping case.

Kim Kardashian signs up to help, which is unrealistic in so many ways if they expect us to believe this is a real case, but that's reality TV for you. Minus 350.

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by Free Britney at

After a one-week, Oscar-induced hiatus (some things are still bigger than the Kardashians) Kourtney & Kim Take Miami returned with a bang Sunday.

KKTM continued tackling the big, mostly contrived issues in the sisters' lives, as well as Jonathan Cheban, who we last saw getting BELTED by Kourt.

How'd things play out this week? Find out in THG's recap!

Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Picture

Right off the bat, Kim's friend Karen asks - without prompting from the producers WHATSOEVER - if she thinks she'll marry Kanye West someday.

"I do," says Kim, smiling. Groan. Minus 175 for the cheesiness of that scene, and Plus only 25 for the sentiment, because we don't think she's serious.

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by Free Britney at

If you thought hornball Scott putting the moves on Khloe was enough faux drama for the week on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, you thought wrong!

KKTM ran it back for a special Monday episode this week, as well! Because who can get enough of them, honestly. Sure as heck not the THG staff.

Jonathan Cheban Gets Slapped

What contrived nonsense awaited E! viewers this time around? Specifically, why did Jonathan Cheban get slapped by an irate Kardashian sister?

Find out now in THG's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami recap!

During a photo shoot for UK Cosmopolitan, Kim and Khloe discuss filling out the magazine's questionnaire re: what Kim would do if she was a man.

"If I was a man, I would want to know what it's like to have sex with myself," Kim told her sister. "I would just want to know what it would feel like."

Even Kim herself wishes she were Ray J sometimes. Plus 850.

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by Free Britney at

If you thought putting the moves on your girlfriend's sister after she just gave birth was out of bounds, you don't know these people - or their scripted show.

Scott Disick and Ryan Seacrest Productions, everybody!

Yes, that was the big storyline of the week, for anyone who chooses to believe it. In reality, Scott Disick is as much of a character as you'll see on any sitcom.

Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Picture

What did he pretend to do Sunday and did it make for good TV?

Come along for THG's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami recap!

Naturally, Scott was upset that post-partum Kourtney isn't up for getting it in. Such is life, but Minus 20 for being even a little surprised at this point.

Enter Khloe Kardashian for scripted entertainment! Plus 20.

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by Free Britney at

After Kourtney's breast milk took center stage a week ago, the Kardashian family really got the competitive juices flowing instead on last night's episode.

Sometimes a little sibling rivalry can be fun, but when there are double-digit siblings named Kardashian and Jenner, things can get out of hand quickly.

Come along for THG's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami recap!

Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Picture

Kris, Kylie, Brandon, Leah and Bruce Jenner all show up to be on Kim and Kourtney's team in the annual Miami Dragon Boat Race for charity.

Because Leah was feeling ill, Kourtney assumed her step-brother's wife was pregnant. Not the case. Way to jump to conclusions Kourt. Minus 30.

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by Free Britney at

We were really pumped up to watch this week's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, if you get what we're talking about. We're talking about Kourt's breast milk.

Sneaking around was the theme last night, from Kim's efforts to gank the fruits of her sis' lactation (don't even ask) to Scott going all covert on us.

Eventually everyone was busted, but hey, that's what happens when the whole show is scripted you keep secrets! Come along for THG's +/- KKTM recap!

Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Poster

Kim has psoriasis. Boo hoo. Amazingly, she just happened to stumble upon the little known fact that breast milk can help a lot with the skin condition.

Where, oh where, will she attempt to find some?! Minus 40.

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by Hilton Hater at

Instagram photos. Bottles of Jameson. And $1,200 Christian Louboutins for a 17-year old.

Yup, it was just another Christmas at the Kardashians this year, as Brody Jenner has taken Instragram followers inside the family's annual bash.

And while Lamar Odom, Khloe Kardashian and company look happy to be posing in the first picture, we have to ask: What about the parents? Might Kris Jenner divorce chatter pick up momentum now that neither her nor Bruce have been included in any images?

Heck, even an accosted Santa Klaus made the cut:

  • Christmas at the Kardashians
  • Brody Jenner on Christmas

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by Hilton Hater at

He may be a part of the Kardashian Christmas card, but will Scott Disick ever be an official part of reality TV's First Family?

It's unlikely, according to Life & Style sources, who report that the father of Kourtney's two kids tried to get down on one knee recently... but the attempt was rebuffed by Kardashian!

Kourtney Disses Scott!

Kourtney "does not want to be engaged," the tabloid alleges, with a friend adding:

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by Hilton Hater at

Kourtney Kardashian may be many things: a talent-free reality star; an attention whore; a mother of two.

But the new In Touch Weekly claims to make it clear: this large-breasted brunette is "no dummy."

Kourtney Kardashian In Touch Cover

With rumors abounding that Kourtney will actually marry Scott Disick, the tabloid reports there's one minor little hold-up: a prenuptial agreement.

“If anyone screws up in this marriage, it will be Scott, not Kourtney,” alleges an insider. “She’s no dummy.  She’s protecting her and her children’s futures.”

There's reportedly $20 million at stake, with a vacation to Paris between the couple ending in "disaster" recently because Disick does not want to give in to his fiancee's demands.

Can you blame the guy? He just wants to kick back and drink some Heineken, people!

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by Hilton Hater at

We hope you're sitting down, readers. Seriously. Take a deep breath. You simply won't believe this.

According to a new report, a member of the Kardashian family may soon get married. But not for love. For money!

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick Tabloid Cover

Scott Disick was allegedly spotted at a Fort Lauderdale jewelry this week and insiders tell the tabloid he and Kourtney Kardashian have "met with a wedding planner."

How sweet, right? Not exactly.

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