by Mischalova at . Comments

Who hasn't wanted to do naughty things to Christina Aguilera or Jennifer Lopez? Come on, ladies, put your hands up, too.

This is everyone's chance to make such fantasies into a reality. Sort of. Not really. For the sickos, maybe.

  • At Rockefeller Center
  • Terrible Outfit
  • 47-Year Old Body

Nevertheless, all it takes is a deep exhale or two and J.Lo can instantly appear in your living room! Or, to be precise, J.Ho, the name of her inflatable doll. Others hot babes you can make into your own sex slaves include Demi Moore, Cindy Crawford and Paris Hilton.

These blow up dolls can be purchased online at numerous erotic web boutiques for about $20. The rewards, however, can last forever. Or, for Jay-Z, more like a few seconds.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Yesterday, had the good fortune - or awful, awful fortune - of sitting down with Paris Hilton and discussing a few of the posts fans haters have left for her on that website.

Harvey Levin had the dishonor of such an assignment. Before we get into the heartfelt phony responses from Hilton, let's look over some of the feelings users have expressed about this hideous human being, those that Paris refers to as "mean and sadistic" and The Gossip refers to as "hilarious and spot-on":

Sad Paris
  • "Paris is just an overused human condom."
  • "Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it's there, you can't stand it, but you can't get rid of it."
  • "Would you please drop over dead or commit suicide you damn slut?"

Hilton had a simple, completely false reply: "I'm far less promiscuous than any of my friends."

We know what you're thinking, guys:where can we meet these friends?

As for the infamous sex tape with ex-lover Rick Solomon, Hilton said "I'm judged because of something that an ex-boyfriend did to me. I'm not a slut at all."

Got that?!? Those royalties she received in exchange for not pursuing a lawsuit - and the fact that it made her well-known in the first place - are nothing compared to the false image of this innocent soul as a home-wrecking whore.

Overall, Hilton says that many of the TMZ comments are "very hurtful" to her and that some make her cry. She says "They think I don't have any feelings."

We think readers of The Gossip can do better with their insults. Let's hear it, people!

by Mischalova at . Comments

If she keeps this up, the competition for Most Annoying will be a runaway victory for a certain hotel heiress.

So will Most Pot-Like (as in, one calling kettles black). Fresh off laughing in the face of one rival, Paris Hilton is lashing out at another.

The emaciated waste of space recently trashed the assortment of underweight stars of Hollywood, most likely as yet another attack on former best friend, Nicole Ritchie.
"A lot of women are too thin. But I like food too much," Hilton said, with a straight face somehow. "I think the ones who are getting really skinny look gross."

Out on Probation

Paris, however, really needs to drop a few pounds. You can barely see her third rib on the right side.

There was more utter nonsense from this spoiled neighborhood bicycle, however. She also blasted rich kids who sponge off their parents.

"A lot of my friends still don't have a job and they live at home, and have to ask their parents for everything," Hilton told the London Guardian. "I haven't accepted money from my parents since I was 18. Since then, I've worked on my own. It feels good that I don't ever have to depend on a man or my family for anything."

Well, maybe driving lessons.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Some reunions are civil and mature - thank you, Nick and Jessica.

Others, meanwhile, are hilarious and spiteful - who else but you, Paris and Lindsay?

  • Wedgie Fix
  • Paris in Malibu

Despite a recent interview in which Hilton claimed there was no feud between these awful people, the encounter between the painful duo last weekend in Malibu would suggest otherwise. For some reason, each were invited to a party there.

Paris responded to the presence of her bitter rival with non-stop laughter. According to Page Six, the new music video star "made it a point to whisper and laugh very loudly the entire time" at the Polaroid Beach House. Lohan, conversely, escaped the situation by slipping away to a back bedroom with boy toy, Harry Morton.

The Gossip has little doubt about what went on there.

Later, however, Hilton walked by and one of Morton's friends faked a kick to her read end, according to a witness. He only missed, we presume, because he couldn't tell the difference between it and her face.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Here's a natural chain of well-known beauties: Marilyn Monroe. Princess Di. Paris Hilton.

Referring to herself as the "iconic blonde" of this decade, none other than Paris herself made the above comparison in a recent interview with the Sunday Times of London. Would you expect anything less from the pampered pet lover?

Paris and Doug Pose

Yes? No problem! Hilton also claims she's similar to another (FAR better looking) blonde because she plays a role "like Jessica Simpson plays dumb." Moreover, Paris thinks "there's nobody in the world like me."

That could also be said of the Unabomber.

The new singer gave this interview to Giles Hattersley, a writer for the Times - and, oddly enough, Hilton's former roomate. Our least favorite human being in the world went in to say "there are a lot of heiresses out there, and I don't see any of them doing what I've done."

That's true. Who else can pretend to sing while sleeping with every other professional athlete on the planet?

How about those fights, Paris? Do you really court controversy and bitch slaps everywhere you go?

"I'm non-confrontational. Certain girls just use me to get media attention ... because a feud with Paris Hilton always gets press."

Paris Hilton makes a good point about Paris Hilton. We're sure Lindsay Lohan, for instance, is really a close pal. No way the pair ever exchanged heated words at in a New York nightclub over Lohan's interaction with Hilton's ex, Stavros Niarchos?

"That was crap. She's never even hung out with Stavros. He thinks she's pathetic."

Nope, defininitely no feud there. Hattersley actually recalls that Paris was once just "a warm witty girl who always made a point of emptying the dishwasher."

Now? The only thing she empties is her stomach after meals.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Thank goodness. One music video for Paris Hilton's first-ever single isn't nearly enough.

Evidently, not everyone is satisfied with the first cut of Hilton's music video for "Stars Are Blind." Some, of course, are not satifised with the existence of Paris in the first place.

Paris Wants to DJ

But the hotel world's favorite heiress is set to release a second version of her video. The black and white depiction (pictured) takes place almost entirely on a beach. Now there's a simple life!

Instead of writhing in the sand for the full song - as she did before - Paris tries to show some range this time around. We'll wait for your laughter to calm down. Ready? Not yet? Ok ... Hilton plays a model for a sexy photographer, swinging on a rope and getting strapped down to a wheel.

The video is set to debut tomorrow on MTV's "TRL."

by Mischalova at . Comments

Here's a question to ponder: if a show stars a spec of an actress so tiny, it takes NASA telescopes to see her, does it actually exist? Viewers will have a chance to play "Find Nicole!" next year, as the horrific news of another The Simple Life season is spreading.

Apparently, ratings trump common decency and bad blood, as E! announced it will bring Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie back for a fifth season of this mean-spirited show.

Nic Rich Pic

It's unclear under what settling the spoiled pair will make people feel stupid for having family, jobs and an education - but the success of The Simple Life: 'Til Death Do Us Part is enough to warrant another year of waif-like antics across the country.

This season's version tripled E!'s primetime ratings when it debuted on June 6. In other words, people: you only have yourselves to blame.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Paris Hilton says she'd make a great mother because she's very good with animals. As if to prove her point - and cause Captain Kangaroo to turn in his grave - the nitwit purchased a parrot and kitten from Bird Kingdom & Pet Shop in Santa Monica this week.

Hilton, of course, made her chihuahua famous during seasons of The Simple Life; although many viewers had difficulty telling the tiny dog apart from Nicole Richie.

Paris and Pup

Us Weekly has provided the following image for fans to decide the real issue at stake here: what the heck did these animals do to deserve such a fate?

by Mischalova at . Comments

How does Paris Hilton celebrate America's birthday? But strutting her white girl dancing stuff!

At Pure nightclub in Las Vegas, the hopeful mother boogied down to Britney Spears' "Toxic." The song's title, ironically, also described the effect Paris has on most human beings. Sources, moreover, say she enjoyed the stylings of The Pussycat Dolls and Christina Aguilera.

Paris at Playboy Party

Hilton must have done Britney proud by performing her patented "clutch my breast move/seizure."

That somehow implies that Hilton has visible breasts, however.

So hopefully it was an actual seizure.

by Mischalova at . Comments

This century's sign of the apocalypse? Paris Hilton wants to be a mother.

The 25-year old nymphy nitwit said she wants to reproduce quite soon, hopefully causing all future bedmates to recoil in horror.

Happy Bday, Paris

"I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mother," Hilton told The London Mirror. "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel that I would have a lot to give to my children ... And I don't want to be an old mom - hopefully it'll happen soon, within the next five years."

Get your jaw off the floor, though, people, Paris wasn't finished! Despite her reputation for being a skinny tramp, Hilton insists she's cautious when it comes to men.

"One-night stands are not for me," she said. "I think it's gross when you just give it up. Guys want you more if you don't just hand it to them on a platter. If they want you, then they will wait. You have to make them work for it."

Brian Urlacher may have something to say about that. And Matt Leinart. And Jose Theodore. And those two guys named Paris she dated.

Meanwhile, Paris lashed out at former best friend, Nicole Ritchie.

"I only want friends who are there for me just like I'm there for them. Otherwise it's too painful," she said about her Simple Life co-star. "I brought Nicole on to [the show] and all of a sudden she became this different person. She dropped her old friends and she's someone else."

If only Hilton would follow that lead. Then maybe she wouldn't suck so much.

Paris Hilton Biography

Ho Train On Us Weekly Cover Paris Hilton is a party host, bad actress, singer, model and painfully annoying skank based in Southern California. This former A-list... More »
New York, New York
Full Name
Paris Whitney Hilton

Paris Hilton Quotes

We want to stay together forever. I wouldn't do a Vegas [wedding]. I don't know where or when but I do want it to be romantic.

Paris Hilton [on Benji Madden]

He's my best friend. He's just different from any guy that I've ever been with. I just trust him completely, and I know that he'd be there for me, no matter what.

Paris Hilton [on Benji Madden]
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