by Mischalova at . Comments

Here's a fantasy thought: If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ... does Paris Hilton ever have to leave?

in City can keep the pathetic excuse for a human being singer - especially after it bestowed an honor upon her yesterday. For some reason (i.e. alcohol), the Las Vegas mayor deemed August 29, 2006 as Paris Hilton Day. He then gave the spoiled brat keys to the city, as pigs flew overheard and Hell got a whole lot colder.

Paris Hilton Birthday Party Pic

Hilton proclaimed her love for Vegas saying it's her "favorite place in the world to come to party." And we know there are A LOT of locations from which she can choose.

Meanwhile, at least one group has the right idea about this man merry-go-round. "The OK Go Away Paris Hilton Apparatus" is a comedy/pop/death-metal group with a mission to permanently banish Paris from the spotlight.

The Gossip would like to give them a key to the Internet.

They're hoping to get enough attention that the lodging heiress herself acknowledges that her five years and 15 minutes of fame are up.

That should happen as soon as Laguna Beach dedicates an episode to helping the homeless.

Over 1,400 people apparently feel similarly to this band, at least - they've already listened to the song on purevolume.com.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Forget STDs for a moment, Paris Hilton has bigger, less itchy problems.

Paris Pose

Despite a series of hype and promotion that seemed to go on all summer, the album "Paris" had a dismal first week, with just 75,000 copies sold in the United States. It's projected to sell a measly 30,000 in its second week.

We don't understand why. Hilton herself loved it, after all.

Aside from her sheer lack of talent, insiders blame the terrible sales on Paris' refusal to go on tour in support of the CD. As the album is hovering near the basement of Billboard's Hot 100 - and we toast the result in glee - Hilton's record label has rushed out a second single called "Turn It Up." It's being turned down on the charts, as well.

"The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live," said a music expert.

Naturally, Elliot Mintz - Hilton's PR rep and the man with the hardest job in entertainment - responded: "To me, [the album] sounds huge. For a newcomer, this is incredibly impressive."

Sounding huge is a good thing? Perhaps Paris should just stick to karaoke, American Idol style. And disappear from the face of the earth.

by Mischalova at . Comments

You know, if Paris Hilton could turn back time, she probably wouldn't have had sex with Cher's son.

Of course, the blonde that puts the "HO" in hotel heiress claims she didn't actually get it on with Elijah Blue Allman, but we'll believe that when Ellen Pompeo eats something.

Like Marilyn Monroe

Allman, however, isn't merely claiming he shagged Hilton (after all, would that make him at all unique?); he went on The Howard Stern Show and said he feared that Paris gave him an STD.

The lead singer and guitarist for the band Deadsy claimed he became so worried after the horizonal jaunt between the sheets that he went downstairs and scrubbed his private parts with a household cleaner, probably Tilex.

Probably. That's typically what Harry Morton uses, post-coital, every time he hangs out with Lindsay Lohan.

Hilton is "not happy" about Allman's comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a "sweet girl." Just one that may or may not have poisoned his genitals.

Allman also said he had sex years ago with Hilton's reality show co-star and former best friend, Nicole Richie. We have doubts about that statement, however. How would he even see this waif-like celebrity to know for sure it was her?!?

by Mischalova at . Comments

And we thought it was difficult enough to pick a side in the ongoing feud between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

  • Paris Hilton Head Shot
  • Fedex Man

Now, however, a true battle of the brainless is brewing. The same week that Paris releases her debut CD, Kevin Federline performs live for the first time on television. Is it any coincidence that searches for synonyms of "suck" and "abominable" were at an all-time high over the last couple days?

So, who stands the worst chance at making in the music industry? Which wanna-be singer will make Hansen look like lyrical geniuses? Mmmm, bop, it's hard to say. Let's go to the reviews!

On Federline: "I just think we ignore him. He's a joke, basically… I just don't think he gets it. He doesn't get that he's Britney's man and it's hard to take him seriously," said Elliot Wilson, editor in chief of XXL magazine.

On Paris: "Hilton's colorless, wafer-thin singing reminds us there are still limits to what technology can do for the human voice," said USA Today.

On Federline: "All you can do, is really just keep on plugging," said Jermaine Hall, executive editor of King magazine. "He's definitely going to have a teenage female fan base. So, you know, make songs that cater to them. Keep it clubby, keep it hoppy, keep it happy."

On Paris: "Right from her opening, Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque mewls of ''Yeah, that's hot" to the painful spoken-word interlude on ''Jealousy'' (sample lyric: Everything I did, I did because I cared), it's clear that just as the emperor had no clothes, the heiress has no voice, and there's not any amount of vocal layering or expensive production that can disguise it," Entertainment Weekly online said.

Wow. Can we have two losers? Obviously. (Although that number could climb to three with the inevitable album from Kristin Cavallari.)

Either way, the real winners here are the folks at thesaurus.com. Music critics will be in need of words for "dreadful" for as long as these two jokes continue to churn out their supposed music.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Let's review what we've learned about Paris Hilton this week:

She cries over her music. She's overrated. She can't dance.

Thanks to a recent interview with Blender magazine, fans also now have a glimpse into what's going down in Paris' world. Here's a hint: it ain't Paris.

Pleasant Paris

"My mom told me that you get those holes in your face, craters â€" she knew this person who had craters. I'm like, ‘What is that from?' She's like, 'from giving blow jobs.'

"I'm like, ‘You get craters?' And I totally believed her. She's like, ‘It's from sucking.' I'm like, ‘Ewwww!' I told my boyfriend â€" he's like, ‘Why don't you ever do that?' I'm like, ‘Because my mom told me you get these craters.' And he's like, ‘Paris, you're 19. You're allowed to do this.'"

Sucks for you, Stavros. Or, unfortunately, it doesn't. We're sure this is the reason Hilton abstains from providing oral pleasure, though. It's not because she's selfish and spoiled or anything.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Overrated? Paris Hilton? That's crazy. Just ask Paris Hilton herself.

When asked about her debut album and about people hearing it for the first time, Hilton was honest as always.

Paris, Again

"People go crazy," she said in an interview in the September issue of Blender, on newsstands Tuesday. "They love it. Everyone's like, `Who is this?' I don't tell. Because I don't want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it.

"I think when people don't know it's me, they won't judge it. But if they know it's me, then they'll be like, `Ugh.' They won't even dance."

Not because the CD, "Paris," sucks. Of course not. Just because, well, they don't feel like dancing. The album is set for release Tuesday and Hilton's breathy, reggae-infused single, "Stars Are Blind," has climbed to the top of Billboard's dance music chart.

"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good," Paris said.

Listeners, according to one critic, may have a similar, tear-laden reaction. Meanwhile, Hilton posed for Blender's cover and inside pages wearing lingerie; in one photo, she wears a pink bra, black fishnet stockings and gold platform heels.

"I'm always playing a character," she tells the magazine. "I don't act like myself in public, because I don't really want to show everyone the real me. Because I have no privacy whatsoever, the only thing I have is who I really am."

Gosh. That really makes you think. About how we could sick Osama bin Laden on Hilton.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Paris Hilton, overrated?

That's almost as shocking as Kristen Cavallari and Brody Jenner breaking up.

Paris the Great

According to the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, however, Paris is the World's Most Overrated Person. A spokesperson for the tome said judges examined magazine polls on overrated and least favorite celebrities. For some reason, the oversexed blow-up doll kept coming out on top.

Meanwhile, the record for Easiest Joke of the Year now goes to The Gossip. To wit:

Paris knows a thing or two about coming out on top.

Thank you, we'll be here all week.

by Mischalova at . Comments

What's a slutty hotel heiress to do in order to celebrate her awful debut CD other than throw herself a party? So was the thinking of Paris Hilton, seen here cutting up the dance floor in South Beach.

Joining the tone deaf blonde are sister Nicky and the creator of the term, "Firecrotch," Brandon Davis. Those unfamiliar with this moniker just need to look at the hair color of Lindsay Lohan.

Paris And Nicky Hilton Dance

Yup, you get it now.

by Mischalova at . Comments

You know, continue to earn money for waving at people and sleep with every guy on two feet.

So recommends the music critic for the London Guardian, after listening to the debut album from Paris Hilton.

Paris Does Tokyo

"She sounds both distracted and bored stiff, as if making an album is keeping her from the more serious business of standing around a nightclub in a pair of really enormous sunglasses," said the top critic in all the land. "Listening to her sing Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," you are gripped by the fear that civilization as we know it is doomed and that brimstone is going to start raining from the sky any minute.

It doesn't, but a sense of terrible foreboding is further stoked by the sleeve notes, which make reference to ‘all my albums to come.'"

Yikes. One can only hope Paris catches an STD from new pal, Jenna Jameson; preferable, one that renders her vocal chords useless.

One song on the album, meanwhile, addresses one of the many woes facing a rich, lazy, skeleton of an heiress : how guys battle for her affections.

In "Fightin' Over Me," Hilton sings about the numerous gentlemen callers that wish to visit the main attractions in Paris, if you know what we're saying.

We're saying A LOT of guys have sex with Paris Hilton.

by Mischalova at . Comments

You know, for someone who's giving up sex for a year, Paris Hilton is hanging out with the individual that may know more about knocking boots thann anyone else on the planet.

Yes, folks, that is Jenna Jameson alongside the HO-tel heiress. Leave a comment now and let us know how many men you think each one bedded during this evening out ...

  • Seeking New BFF
  • Jenna Jameson Red Dress

Paris Hilton Biography

Ho Train On Us Weekly Cover Paris Hilton is a party host, bad actress, singer, model and painfully annoying skank based in Southern California. This former A-list... More »
Born
Birthplace
New York, New York
Full Name
Paris Whitney Hilton

Paris Hilton Quotes

We want to stay together forever. I wouldn't do a Vegas [wedding]. I don't know where or when but I do want it to be romantic.

Paris Hilton [on Benji Madden]

He's my best friend. He's just different from any guy that I've ever been with. I just trust him completely, and I know that he'd be there for me, no matter what.

Paris Hilton [on Benji Madden]
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