by Mischalova at . Comments

We'd never defend Paris Hilton. She's a drunk driving, immoral, spoiled wench of an ugly human being.

However, if the following story is at all valid, Paris does know how to pull a prank or two.

Nic Richie

Word is circulating that Nicole Richie has been receiving certain, surprise treats in the form of pizza deliveries for weeks now. A prankster has been ordering the pies and having them delivered late at night to Lionel's frail step-daughter.

"The stunt has Paris written all over it," says one insider. "She can't stand Nicole and loves that her former best friend is being ridiculed by people for her appearance. Sending pizzas is the kind of thing (Paris would) think was funny."

We're pretty sure sending pizzas is the sort of thing anyone would think was funny. Except Peter Sarsgaard, perhaps. He takes stuff like this really seriously.

by Mischalova at . Comments

When you name yourself after a promiscuous waste of space celebrity, what happens when that individual breaks the law and endangers fellow motorists?

You ignore morality and defend her, of course.

Reinhardt, Hilton Pic

So is the case of gossip-monger, attention-starved Perez Hilton.

The man (pictured with the felon, left) and his website came to the aid of Paris Hilton by backing up the drunkard's story that she only had a single margarita before being pulled over for drunk driving this week.

What Paris and close pal, Perez, fail to point out, however, is this: who cares?!? She registered a .08 blood-alcohol level, above the legal limit in California. That figure exists because it's proven that people reaching it are intoxicated and display poor reflexes/judgment while driving.

Reiterating that Hilton had a single drink proves only one thing: she's a harlot AND a light weight.

Don't get us wrong, Perez, we're all for the Firecrotch shirt and anti-Lindsay Lohan sentiment, but show an ounce of journalistic integrity please. Call out your idol when she messes up.

We'll be the first to do so if Britney Spears ever stops looking ugly.

by Mischalova at . Comments

It's too easy, but has to be said: Paris Hilton enjoys being in handcuffs, but not under these circumstances.

After being arrested for drunk driving, Hilton almost immediately called On Air with Ryan Seacrest to explain the complete and utter misunderstanding.

Hilton Pic

See, Paris may have been going little fast in her Mercedes McLaren SLR. And her blood-alcohol level may have been illegal. But the girl was hungry for the first time in her life, okay?!?

She told Ryan she had an long day on Wednesday filming the video for her new single "Nothing in This World." From there, she went to dinner with sister Nicky - but didn't eat anything, apparently. Then it was off to charity event hosted by Dave Navarro and just one tiny margarita.

When Hilton left to drive the few blocks home, she was "starving" and yearned for an In-N-Out Burger.

So give the blonde a break, alright? She hadn't eaten in over 17 years ... and can't resist hurrying up for anything that involves going in and out. It's the one thing her and Lindsay Lohan can agree on.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Thank you, Paris Hilton. From the bottom of our gossip-hungry hearts, thank you so very much.

Just as it seemed like our favorite targets were changing their ways - come on, Suri Cruise, what are you doing actually existing? - jumped drunkenly wobbled back into the spotlight last night when she was arrested in Hollywood and charged with driving under the influence.

Paris, Doug Pic


TMZ reported that LAPD officers noticed Paris driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR erratically at 12:31 AM. They pulled her over, believing she exhibited signs of intoxication. During a field sobriety test, Hilton blew a .08.

After Officer .08 zipped back up, Paris' blood-alcohol level was also measured at that amount, the minimum level for DUI in California.

Paris was arrested and booked at the LAPD Hollywood division. Police sources say Hilton didn't pull a Mel Gibson; she was cooperative. Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter, was also in the vehicle.

Nicky Hilton, Entourage star Kevin Connolly (her boyfriend) and Paris' publicist Elliot Mintz arrived at the Hollywood police station just before 2 AM PST. A short time later, Paris was released on her own recognizance and allowed to leave.

Cops took a booking photo, which and LAPD spokesperson says will not be released. An LAPD source would not confirm it Paris glammed it up for the camera, but revealed "It doesn't look like Nick Nolte."

Mintz and Hilton already have an excuse prepared: the tiny blonde was exhausted from filming a movie all day. And, therefore, her blood-alcohol level was high. Obviously.

by Free Britney at . Comments

What does Paris Hilton's bed look like? Only a few thousand men have ever been lucky enough to find out... but any remaining mystery is about to be put to rest. In case you haven't had the honor (or the lights were off when you were doing her) you can see -- and own the thing!

That's right, it's being auctioned off, and is currently up for sale online. Opening bid: $1,500. Unfortunately (wait, check that... very fortunately), the singer and party-animal heiress isn't part of the deal.

World According to Paris Still

Paris' scuffed up, king-size bed is being hawked, complete with a quite-used and probably very disease-ridden mattress, in an online auction.

That nasty object and dozens of other items from Hilton's house are up for sale, such as her old pillows, couches, and lamps. Personally, we have no clue why you'd bid on something you've already seen -- and defaced -- from just about every angle. But hey, that's just us.

The auctioneer, StarStyle.com, assures the Gossip that 10 percent of each sale goes to charity. If only Paris herself were up for sale. Then again, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, no?

by Free Britney at . Comments

Has Lance Armstrong has taken a break from incessantly working out with his new best friend, Matthew McConaughey, to spend time with... Paris Hilton?

It sounds completely made up, and we really hope it is, but sources say the two showed up to the Key Club in L.A. Tuesday night to catch the band Vacation.

  • Lance Armstrong Premiere Photo
  • P-Hilt

"They came together, they hung out and left together," a spy dished.

What happened to the man love, Lance? Or the whole thing about you being a cool guy, not someone who parties slums it with a walking spent condom? No respect. Good luck seeking elected office now. As long as you're on this kick, though, you might as well hit Ashlee Simpson.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Here's a fantasy thought: If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ... does Paris Hilton ever have to leave?

in City can keep the pathetic excuse for a human being singer - especially after it bestowed an honor upon her yesterday. For some reason (i.e. alcohol), the Las Vegas mayor deemed August 29, 2006 as Paris Hilton Day. He then gave the spoiled brat keys to the city, as pigs flew overheard and Hell got a whole lot colder.

Paris Hilton Birthday Party Pic

Hilton proclaimed her love for Vegas saying it's her "favorite place in the world to come to party." And we know there are A LOT of locations from which she can choose.

Meanwhile, at least one group has the right idea about this man merry-go-round. "The OK Go Away Paris Hilton Apparatus" is a comedy/pop/death-metal group with a mission to permanently banish Paris from the spotlight.

The Gossip would like to give them a key to the Internet.

They're hoping to get enough attention that the lodging heiress herself acknowledges that her five years and 15 minutes of fame are up.

That should happen as soon as Laguna Beach dedicates an episode to helping the homeless.

Over 1,400 people apparently feel similarly to this band, at least - they've already listened to the song on purevolume.com.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Forget STDs for a moment, Paris Hilton has bigger, less itchy problems.

Paris Pose

Despite a series of hype and promotion that seemed to go on all summer, the album "Paris" had a dismal first week, with just 75,000 copies sold in the United States. It's projected to sell a measly 30,000 in its second week.

We don't understand why. Hilton herself loved it, after all.

Aside from her sheer lack of talent, insiders blame the terrible sales on Paris' refusal to go on tour in support of the CD. As the album is hovering near the basement of Billboard's Hot 100 - and we toast the result in glee - Hilton's record label has rushed out a second single called "Turn It Up." It's being turned down on the charts, as well.

"The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live," said a music expert.

Naturally, Elliot Mintz - Hilton's PR rep and the man with the hardest job in entertainment - responded: "To me, [the album] sounds huge. For a newcomer, this is incredibly impressive."

Sounding huge is a good thing? Perhaps Paris should just stick to karaoke, American Idol style. And disappear from the face of the earth.

by Mischalova at . Comments

You know, if Paris Hilton could turn back time, she probably wouldn't have had sex with Cher's son.

Of course, the blonde that puts the "HO" in hotel heiress claims she didn't actually get it on with Elijah Blue Allman, but we'll believe that when Ellen Pompeo eats something.

Like Marilyn Monroe

Allman, however, isn't merely claiming he shagged Hilton (after all, would that make him at all unique?); he went on The Howard Stern Show and said he feared that Paris gave him an STD.

The lead singer and guitarist for the band Deadsy claimed he became so worried after the horizonal jaunt between the sheets that he went downstairs and scrubbed his private parts with a household cleaner, probably Tilex.

Probably. That's typically what Harry Morton uses, post-coital, every time he hangs out with Lindsay Lohan.

Hilton is "not happy" about Allman's comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a "sweet girl." Just one that may or may not have poisoned his genitals.

Allman also said he had sex years ago with Hilton's reality show co-star and former best friend, Nicole Richie. We have doubts about that statement, however. How would he even see this waif-like celebrity to know for sure it was her?!?

by Mischalova at . Comments

And we thought it was difficult enough to pick a side in the ongoing feud between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

  • Paris Hilton Head Shot
  • Fedex Man

Now, however, a true battle of the brainless is brewing. The same week that Paris releases her debut CD, Kevin Federline performs live for the first time on television. Is it any coincidence that searches for synonyms of "suck" and "abominable" were at an all-time high over the last couple days?

So, who stands the worst chance at making in the music industry? Which wanna-be singer will make Hansen look like lyrical geniuses? Mmmm, bop, it's hard to say. Let's go to the reviews!

On Federline: "I just think we ignore him. He's a joke, basically… I just don't think he gets it. He doesn't get that he's Britney's man and it's hard to take him seriously," said Elliot Wilson, editor in chief of XXL magazine.

On Paris: "Hilton's colorless, wafer-thin singing reminds us there are still limits to what technology can do for the human voice," said USA Today.

On Federline: "All you can do, is really just keep on plugging," said Jermaine Hall, executive editor of King magazine. "He's definitely going to have a teenage female fan base. So, you know, make songs that cater to them. Keep it clubby, keep it hoppy, keep it happy."

On Paris: "Right from her opening, Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque mewls of ''Yeah, that's hot" to the painful spoken-word interlude on ''Jealousy'' (sample lyric: Everything I did, I did because I cared), it's clear that just as the emperor had no clothes, the heiress has no voice, and there's not any amount of vocal layering or expensive production that can disguise it," Entertainment Weekly online said.

Wow. Can we have two losers? Obviously. (Although that number could climb to three with the inevitable album from Kristin Cavallari.)

Either way, the real winners here are the folks at thesaurus.com. Music critics will be in need of words for "dreadful" for as long as these two jokes continue to churn out their supposed music.