by Free Britney at

Aside from berating one another on their MySpace pages, there are few things that celebrities of the 21st Century enjoy more than text messaging.

Kevin Federline repeatedly hit on Lindsay Lohan via text, and it was also Isaac Cohen's method of choice in dumping Britney Spears. Classy.

What we wouldn't give to get ahold of some celebs' phones and see what nonsense they're sending each other. Here, we see a few celebrity text message all-stars...

At left, the grotesque, jail-bound Paris Hilton, who never leaves home without her Blackberry (or the Bible now apparently). The whore-able heiress goes through boyfriends (Stavros Niarchos et al) and gal pals so quickly, she needs the latest state-of-the-art technology to keep everything straight.

At right, we have the lovely Lauren Conrad, a self-proclaimed "e-mail addict" seen here killing time at LAX early this month. We're guessing she's got a couple of funny texts in there from Audrina Patridge, while the info of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag has soooo been deleted like, three months ago.

Who's your favorite celebrity texter? Let us know.

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by Mischalova at

For his Orangina-induced attack on his wife, Scott Stapp could be facing jail time in the near future.

If that's the case, the former Creed singer should take a lesson from Paris Hilton: Turn to God when a prison sentence is near. Oh, and wear sunglasses that are far too big for your face.

Like Marilyn Monroe

Seen here, the illegal driver and foe of Kim Kardashian is carrying all the essentials a spoiled heiress needs before heading off to the clink: the Bible, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment and a BlackBerry.

We can only assume she'll be using the latter to email good friend and complete loser Perez Hilton, as the pair review one another's legal problems together.

As for the former items, The Hollywood Gossip staff has some advice for Hilton: Instead of wondering What Would Jesus Do, perhaps you should consider What Should I Do to Avoid Any Unwanted Girl on Girl Action in Jail?

For starters, you probably shouldn't follow the lead of Mischa Barton and blatantly expose your boobs. We'll leave the rest of this strategy up to you, Paris.

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by Mischalova at

Two best friends and/or bitter enemies. Two contrasting models of behavior in recent days.

Let's start with Paris Hilton. The soon-to-be con had her prison sentence reduced to 23 days. She will also be separated from the general inmate population. The reason? Good behavior, of course.

A Nicole Richie Image

An example of this behavior? No, not whatever she does with Stavros Niarchos behind closed door. But simply showing up for her latest court date is apparently enough to have Hilton's jail sentence sliced in half.

Paris will stay in a unit that contains 12 two-person cells reserved for police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile inmates. Maybe she can be a pen pal with Joe Francis.

Like everyone else in the 2,200-inmate facility, Hilton will get at least an hour outside her cell each day to shower, watch television (maybe the Kim Kardashian reality show will be airing by then), participate in outdoor recreation or talk on the telephone.

Meanwhile, Hilton will actually be on television when the fifth season of The Simple Life premieres this summer. But word on the set is that Paris' cohort on the program has been acting out.

During the shoot, TMZ reports that Nicole Richie constantly showed up late, and upped her unreasonable behavior to another level during the final shoot of the season, when the all-important "show open" was being taped.

Nicole turned up "several hours late" with boyfriend Joel Madden, and then gave producers another impossible deadline. After a serious blow-out argument, we're told producers had to call her agents just to get her to stay on-set.

Where was the actress singer thin famous person? Not at a restaurant, that much is certain. Maybe she was trying to get Brittany Murphy to divorce Simon Monjack.

Lord knows everyone else is.

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by Free Britney at

Hmm. Josh Henderson had to see this coming.

A handsome actor he may be, but that doesn't put him in the same league as the legendary Greek God of Poontang, does it?

That's right, he's baaaaack
.

Just 1 Night in Paris

Paris Hilton is making the most of her final days of freedom by rekindling the flame with on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again beau, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos.

Apparently unfazed by recent tongue-lashings dished out by Shanna Moakler and Candy Spelling (!), the future jailbird arrived at L.A. hotspot Teddy's around midnight on Saturday with a group of friends.

Paris spent the evening chatting and laughing with her girlfriends and appeared to be in a great mood, all things considered.

Unless Spencer Pratt can pull off a miracle, she's due to start her jail sentence no later than June 5).

When Stavros Niarchos arrived with a big posse of Euro friends at 12:45 a.m., he made a bee-line for Paris' table, where the heiress greeted him with a big hug and kiss.

So much for his MySpace statement that he's single.

The two spent most of the night together, laughing and cuddling and Paris leaned over and kissed him multiple times. She massaged his neck and ran her fingers through his hair.

He plays it cool, but regardless of whether he's been hookin' up with Hilary Duff, he does seem to have feelings for Paris, proving money can't make one smart.

Stav had his arm around her and was whispering in her ear, not really paying any attention to other girls, despite the fact that there were a number of ladies ogling him.

The couple took off together around 2:00 a.m. Oooh.

Hopefully, Paris Hilton gave him something to remember her by while she's on the inside. Wait for her, Stavros. Don't go tang it with Mary-Kate Olsen and/or Lindsay Lohan. Again.

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by Mischalova at

The Hollywood Gossip to Candy Spelling: Don't you have anything better to do than write letters to random celebrities?

You know, like ignore your daughter Tori Spelling?

Like Marilyn Monroe

A couple months ago, Candy penned a note to Larry Birkhead. The misguided mother somehow felt as though it was her job to offer advice about how to raise Dannielynn.

Well, Spelling is up to her weird, presumptuous ways again. The recipient this time? Paris Hilton.

While we don't disagree with the fact that Paris sucks in every way imaginable, we wish Candy would leave herself out of subjects that should only be tackled by experienced celebrity gossip blogs. Nevertheless, here's the letter Spelling sent Hilton:

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility.

In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like "regular" people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine. However, as the real possibility of jail approaches -- whether it's 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is -- it's time to get real.

It's time to find "a Paris" somewhere between "heiress" and a character on "The Simple Life." I know she's there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Amazing insight, Candy. But here are the two areas you should really be focusing your words of wisdom on:

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by Mischalova at

We don't know how Kim Kardashian feels about the time in the slammer for her former best friend.

But we can now tell you where Shanna Moakler stands regarding the prison sentence handed out to Paris Hilton: on the side of karma.

Seeking New BFF

The former Dancing with the Stars contestant and Miss USA wrote the following on her often-used MySpace page: i guess you all might be wondering what i think about all the karma going around...i guess all i have to say is....stupid is as stupid does.

Snap, yo. Snap.

Shanna and Paris have not gotten along for months, of course. It started when Hilton was seen making out with Moakler's ex (and now current) husband, Travis Barker. It escalated when Shanna accused Paris of having herpes.

With Hilton actually headed for jail (aka the second home of Jason Wahler), there's no doubt that Moakler will have the last laugh for awhile. But she better be careful with all that "stupid" name calling she's throwing around.

Word around the celebrity gossip circles is that Paris is actually rubber and Moakler is glue. Don't say we didn't warn you, Shanna.

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by Free Britney at

If you know anything about Spencer Pratt, you know he has never been one to shy away from a PR-generating, attention-grabbing scheme.

It's not surprising, then, that the dirtbag villain from The Hills has joined the lame Free Paris bandwagon with a "Free Paris" MySpace page.

Two Dumbasses

The pseudo-celeb told told Us Weekly that when he's not frolicking on the beach in staged photos with plastic girlfriend Heidi Montag, he's been leading the fight to free Paris Hilton.

Just about anything makes for a better cause than that. Even convincing Heidi to get a boob job.

But Spencer Pratt is all about publicity.

"I've always thought the punishment should fit the crime," says the repulsive Spencer.

"[Paris Hilton] has changed her image dramatically over the last couple years. Now she's such a good role model and a smart businesswoman. So it's a shame that a miscommunication between her and her people is landing her in jail. She should get probation with community service, but no way should she be put in jail with real criminals."

Spencer Pratt claims that once 100,000 supporters sign his online petition he will take up the harlot's plight with Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.

Good luck with that.

Speaking of people reinventing their image, Spencer Pratt is looking to go from a reputation as the slimy guy in the gold chains who masterminded Heidi ending her BFF-ship with Lauren Conrad to being only nutcase crazy enough to lend support to a slutty, spoiled DUI offender.

Terrific. Again, isn't there a better cause out there? Like freeing Sean Preston?

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by Free Britney at

Hayden Panettiere is barely old enough to drive.

Heck, for another 100-plus days, she can't even fornicate with boyfriend Stephen Colletti without subjecting the Laguna Beach alum to a prison term.

Immature But Hot

But that doesn't mean the 17-year old TV cutie isn't wise beyond her years. In an impromptu interview with TMZ, she dished out some advice for avoiding a jail sentence like Paris Hilton was just served with.

Out and about in New York City, Hayden Panettiere was momentarily flustered when she was asked what she thought about the slutty socialite's jail sentence.

But instead of commenting on the situation, our beloved cheerleader launched into full public service announcement mode, telling the cameraman:

"Don't drink and drive … or drive without a license!"

Sage advice, indeed. Meanwhile, in L.A., Sons of Hollywood star David Weintraub and one of his gal pals had the best tip for Paris:

"Get a driver!"

Seriously, why didn't Paris think of that? Think she can afford it? David's bud, Sean Stewart, a law-defying alcoholic in his own right, couldn't be reached for comment. 

Other Team Paris players at Mr. Chow last night included Paris' aunt, Kyle, as well as Full House hottie Lori Laughlin and former baller of the Los Angeles Lakers (and Vanessa Williams) Rick Fox, who stated simply:

"No one should go to jail, man."

A noble statement, Rick. One Tom Sizemore certainly agrees with. Anyway, it was clear that just about everyone interviewed by TMZ in L.A. last night relished the chance to rail against the judge tossing Paris in the can.

We'd give him an earful, too - she (like Jason Wahler) should be going away for a hell of a lot longer, and not to some minimum security resort like she's headed for, but to a federal, pound-me-in-the-a$$ prison.

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by Free Britney at

Looks like the struggling Britney Spears has an unlikely fan - Shar Jackson.

For those of you living under rocks or new to the world of celebrity gossip, that's Kevin Federline's first baby mama.

Britney: 2-on-1

Our friends at TMZ spotted the former UPN "actress" and spurned ex of K-Fed shopping at Sugar on La Brea yesterday, where she told our cameras that Britney Spears' current "comeback" tour of 11-minute shows is "long overdue."

Of course, Shar Jackson made a mini-career out of covering Britney's songs, so it may just be she needs some new material.

While trying on a new cleavage-enhancing dress (ooooga), Jackson also gave her uninformed take on Paris Hilton's summer prison plans, saying how she doesn't "know all the details ... but I think she's a nice girl."

Apparently she hasn't seen the nude Paris Hilton statue. She might change her tune if she laid eyes on that horrific piece of crap art.

But it's always good to see Shar Jackson out and about. We're hoping this is followed by a Jason Alexander sighting in the near future.

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by Mischalova at

Those wishing to stare at Paris Hilton's pussy have three options:

  1. Look at photos of her and her cat.
  2. Purchase her sex tape.
  3. Ogle the new sculpture of Paris Hilton nude by an artist that really needs to find a new hobby.

Indeed, Daniel Edwards has to get a life. The guy has sculpted Britney Spears giving birth, along with an image of Suri Cruise poop.

Ex-A Lister

We don't even wanna guess what's coming up next. Maybe a Rumer Willis mill of some sort.

Meanwhile, call us crazy, but faced with the prospect of looking at a bronzed, fake naked body of Paris Hilton, or photos of a nude Kristine Lefebvre in Playboy, we'd choose the latter every single time.

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