Paris Hilton is going to jail.
The spoiled, skanky, untaletned hotel heiress was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation by repeatedly driving with a suspended license.
"[Hilton] disregarded everything â€¦ and didn't care and kept driving," said our hero, Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer.
Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan sent the judge a box of chocolates as a thank-you.
Hilton was present in the Los Angeles Metropolitan courtroom with her parents Kathy and Rick Hilton. The ex-girlfriend of Josh Henderson looked stunned when the sentence was handed down. Her mother gasped.
"I'm shocked and disappointed at the sentence by the judge," Paris' attorney, Howard Weitzman, said afterwards. "To sentence Paris Hilton to jail is uncalled for, inappropriate and ludicrous. She was singled out for who she is. She's been selectively targeted. Paris was honest in her testimony. We plan to appeal. Shame on the system."
Sauer ordered Hilton to report to jail no later than June 5. The Hollywood Gossip is planning a party for June 6. Kim Kardashian is invited.
In the course of the two-hour hearing, Hilton took the witness stand and claimed that her rep, Elliot Mintz, had repeatedly informed her that her license had been suspended for only 30 days and that she could still drive for work-related matters.
"I never would've been driving if my license was suspended," she obviously lied. "I follow the law. I'm followed by cameras every single day."
Sure. And cameras make people abide by the law obviously. Jason Wahler and Sean Stewart can tell you all about that.
Before sentence was delivered, Hilton stood to give a statement to the judge, saying, "I respect the law. â€¦ I want you to know I'm very sorry and will pay complete attention to everything from now on."
But prosecutors who sought the 45-day term for Hilton contended that on Feb. 27 she knowingly drove despite the suspension, and that she failed to enroll in an alcohol-education program by her deadline of Feb. 12. (By April 17 she still had not signed up, said prosecutors.)
After hearing the arguments from both sides, Judge Sauer singled out what he referred to as the "smoking gun" â€" a written warning Hilton received and signed on Jan. 15 after being pulled over by the California Highway Patrol, verifying that, indeed, her license was suspended.
And that was that. All we can tell Paris is to be careful and follow this Office Space quote:
The key is to kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then, everything will be alright.